Friday, 12 October 2012

Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things just for the sake of seeking others’ approval – where as a kid I went around to strangers saying stupid things within the anticipation of my siblings laughing, where I accepted and allowed myself to interpret this laughter as me making them laugh, me creating fun for them and within that created the belief that this means that they must like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things just for the sake of receiving validation from others – where as a kid I went around to strangers saying stupid things just because it made my siblings laugh, where each time I could hear my siblings laugh and interpreted this as ‘me making them laugh’, I experienced myself getting a ‘ +1 score’ as positive energy, where with each consecutive laughter I’d experience a ‘+1’ on my imaginary scorecard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things just for the sake of receiving some sort of feedback from others that I can interpret as ‘they like me’, where as a kid I went around saying stupid shit to strangers for the sake of getting an ‘energy boost’ where with each point of laughter I could get out of my siblings I felt myself getting an ‘energy boost’ which would get added as layers unto me, almost like in a computer game where you get points and with each point your character becomes bigger and bigger and more powerful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things just for the sake of receiving positive feedback from others – regardless of the message/words I spoke – where I accepted and allowed myself to completely disregard what I am saying and how this may affect others and myself – where my only focus/regard was placed upon my siblings/others and monitoring their every move/reaction to whatever I said, where if I did my act once in a particular way and they laughed, I was satisfied and would quickly carry on to do it another time, ready for my next positive energy boost, and where if they did not laugh or not laugh as much as I had expected them to, change my act or start experience a ‘wearing down’ where I would still do the act but be more doubtful within it – until I got my positive feedback again and then I would once more be on my merry way to do my act

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things just for the sake of getting a particular reaction from another that I perceive as ‘positive’ and ‘affirmative’ that what I am doing is liked – where as a kid I went around to strangers saying stupid shit just for the sake of getting/triggering a reaction within others to which I had attached a positive energy charge – where I would keep on doing the same thing over and over again just go be able to experience this positive energy over and over and over again like an energy addict/junkie

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things just for the sake of anticipating a reaction from others which I deem as ‘good’ and ‘positive’ – where as a kid I went around to strangers saying stupid shit just so I could see/hear other’s reactions and within that experience a +1 energy point – where within that moment I had no consideration for any kind principle or consideration as all I cared about was getting my ‘energy hit’ and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised the disturbing behaviour I was participating in, where just as a junkie one will throw out of the door all values one may have just to get “their hit” – where I was in essence an energy junkie already from when I was a very small child and within that I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question the nature of my inner reality as wanting/needing/seeking out positive energy experiences such as the ones in the memory, where I said stupid things just for the sake of making my siblings laugh – where this internal behaviour is indicative to a problem of addiction, but where this does not get questioned in the world but seen as ‘normal’ and within that actually promote within getting everyone to be ‘normal’ and emphasizing everywhere in the environment how important it is to be ‘liked’ – where as a result we have children from a very young age already being addicted to the energies of the mind which is the perfect playground/foundation for future addictions to be planted and cultivated such as drugs, alcohol, etc – as these are also energy addiction within a different form


When and as I see myself wanting to say things which I did not carefully evaluate as to their meaning and implications, for the sake of seeking others’ approval – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an external feedback system where I am constantly monitoring others’ reactions to my every action – where if I do something and they react within what I have defined a ‘positive way’, I gain an energy boost and feel good about myself / my character – and where if I do something and I do not get this positive reaction – I feel bad and feel ‘drained’/’low’ and adjust my way of doing things to get a positive reactions once more – where I have completely accepted and allowed myself to determine my inner experience as well as external behaviour to be determined/calculated in close relation to my environment as people and how they react to what I do / say – where I will compromise myself and do things that I regret just so I can get my hit / energy boost and feel all ‘powered up’ – throwing all values and principles out of the door – and so I commit myself to within that moment stop, Breathe, carefully evaluate my words, my starting point and correct myself within disengaging from this ‘energy chase’ and ground myself here, within breath, as my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting to laughter in relation to something I did / said within a positive energy experience – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am participating within a character feedback mechanism, where I am seeking out positive approval points in relation to what I said/did and the character who was at play within that moment – and so I commit myself to stop engaging within this energy ‘power-up’ – as I see / realise / understand that I am tying my expression to other’s reactions and within that place myself in a position of compromise as I am setting myself up to be tempted to act in a way which will entice more of such reactions which give me a nice positive energy experience – and so I stop participating, breathe, be here and ground myself as my human physical body

When and as I see myself chasing positive energy experiences within wanting to get people to laugh – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is actually part of a mental disorder/addiction which indicates/reveals to me that I have a point to look at within myself where I seek others to complete/validate me and so I commit myself to call off the chase and investigate this point of energy seeking within Self Honesty self-reflective writing and Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I commit myself to show that how society is currently set up and operates, is a breeding ground for little junkies/addicts to ‘nice energies’ which later end up growing into nasty addictions/habits such as drug and alcohol abuse which also seriously compromise others' well-being as is clearly demonstrated in the daily news and within that I commit myself to the reorganization of society to one that cares about all Life within educating people on the Science of Thought and how our Mind operates to we can all assist and support ourselves to get rid of our self-destructive behaviour and live/built upon a world that is Best for All as Heaven on Earth


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