Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Day 81: I'm a Lost Cause, Let me Save You

As I was reading Maite’s blog post on the gosling and taking care of the little baby, I realised how I had been acting with baby birds on the farm in a way of protecting them and taking care of them in a way that I had never been cared for and in a way that I had never cared for myself.

Whenever we would find a baby bird that requires attention, I would place all my focus on it. The first time we had a baby bird, it died after one night because we didn’t know how to take care of it properly. Since then I’ve educated myself and with the second baby bird we found, we successfully raised (although it later died in a drowning accident). Raising the little baby bird took a lot of time and dedication, the parents during the day just fly on and off the nest the whole day long bringing them food . We would then simulate this by giving the baby lots of small feeds in a day, which was basically like every 15 to 20 min. It was a lot of work because the consistency of the food needs to je just right, as well as the temperature – which with each feed almost needs adjusting.

So it was cool to see how this baby bird needed constant attention and care until it was grown up and could pretty much take care of itself – but it took that process, of every day being there for the baby – and where through the process of accumulation of 1 +1 +1 +1 + … you eventually get to a full grown bird which can take care of itself. With this second bird, TweeTweet, we had a lot of fun. She (or he lol) was so innocent and playful – it was just awesome to watch her be herself.

Ever since then and with each baby bird we found, I dedicated myself completely to their care. I was in complete awe of their innocent expression and playful, clumsy way of going about their life.

Looking back at it now, as I mentioned in the beginning of my post – I can see how the birds represent that point of innocence for me, which I believe I have lost. When I am with them and taking care of them, I want to protect them at all cost and be there for them so they can develop into the awesome bird they are meant to be. But within that, I am placing all my focus and attention on them, and in a way trying/attempting to ‘live through them’ where I believe that I am already a lost cause and there’s nothing more to be done for me, but where I can still save this birds and assist them in becoming wholesome. So within that, I am trying to ‘right my wrongs’, where I believe that I’m am unable to express myself like these birds do, and that if I can get them to be able to continue living and do their thing – that I can at least have that.

So this is quite a point to look at, as this whole thing reflects back my relationship with myself, where I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to commit myself to me – in dedicating my every moment of my life to assist and support myself to become the best possible version I can be of myself – so now it is time that I take this point of care I have for the birdies, back to myself and gift myself to time, patient, attention and care to assist myself to grow as a being.

Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow…
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