Saturday, 27 October 2012

Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 
Day 89: Holding Back 
Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2
Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won’t get Disappointed

When and as I see myself monitoring the behaviour of a new bird in comparison to birds of the past -- specifically looking to 'match' the behaviour in order to classify it under 'bird that made it' and 'bird that didn't made it' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dig into the past in order to find out what the future is going to look like, where I am constantly jumping back and forth in order to get some 'information' and within that completely missing what is here as the moment, as things unfold in breath -- which is the only moment where I can make a true assessment -- and so I commit myself to snap myself out of the going back and forth, breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and let go of the need to control and allow myself to enjoy the moment for what it is

When and as I see myself react to seeing Puf bop her head down with fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am immediately connecting this physical presentation feature to memories with similar features where birds bopped their head down and later died, where I then go into fear of the same thing happening to Puf -- so I commit myself to within that moment stop the fear, breathe, be here as my human physical body and unconditionally participate in the moment

When and as I see myself keeping a close eye on the behaviour of a new bird from the starting point of seeing whether I should relax or worry -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that neither being 'relaxed' as being 'nonchalant' or the polairty as being 'worried' is going to make a different to what is actually going on, and is in no way going to 'change the future' or alter the outcome just by changing my mood -- what matters is physical action as keeping an eye on things and intervene when necessary -- and not to be constantly and continuasly in a particular 'mood' -- whether positive or negative -- wherein I compromise my effectiveness in dealing with what is here within looking at things within judgment where I can interpret things 'optimistically' and miss things or interpret things 'pessimistically' and make things up -- and so I commit myself to snap myself out of wanting to find out 'how I should feel' -- instead I breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and commit myself to trust myself to pick up behavioural changes which require intervention when necessary -- and act

When and as I see myself to into a want/desire/believe that I need a sense of control -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am taking on this stance in order to manage my inner reality as thoughts,feelings and emotions -- where I believe that if I am able to predict the future/outcome of the bird I can already 'prepare' myself before it happens so that when it happens I can suppress the experience appear to not be affected and so I commit myself to stop wanting control as this wanting control indicates a fear of a particular experience/event and so I move myself to investigate my relationship with that which I fear and dissect my experience within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements, so that whatever happens: I am here

When and as I see myself embracing the motto of "Always expect the worst, then you can't get disspointed' when experiencing anxiety/uncertainty in relaiton to a particular outcome -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that suiting myself up with this motto is not an actual solution to my experience but merely a suppression mechanism where I want to put up a 'brave face' where I hope that if I take this point on that I will not be affected/emotional if the worst case scenario does happen and so I commit myself to stop myself within that moment of thinking "Better expect the worst" and look at what it is that I fear and my experience in relation to it within writing, instead of suppressing it

When and as I see myself wanting to adopt the attitude of "Always expect the worst, like that you can't get disappointed" in relation to an outcome where I fear I may be affected by it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed judgment to exist within and as me towards being sad/crying when something happens like the death of an animal -- where I believe that it is 'weak' to demonstrate such behaviour and fear being judged for it and so I commit myself to investigate my relationship with showing how I feel/experience myself within judgment of 'weakness' and I commit myself to within that moment stop and look at how I am judging myself and let go of the fear/judgment and allow myself to breathe, be here and simnply take things as they come
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