Monday, 8 October 2012

Day 72: I Can’t do This!

Just now I was busy preparing some pizza pieces to eat for dinner, and as I looked into the oven the one pizza piece’s corner, was hanging in between two of the bars of the oven rack on which the pieces were sitting – and when I saw it, I freaked out because I didn’t want my pizza to get messed up and also not to get the oven messed up by the pizza toppings dripping down to the bottom. I then screamed “LJ! LJ!” (because he was nearby), “Help me! Get a spatula!” lol So then LJ rushed in to come help save my pizza, and as he was busy manoeuvring the pizza piece to sit nicely on the rack without it flopping over one of the bars, it slid of the spatula, face down on the oven door which was open, and I was like “NOOOOOOOooo!!”. Then LJ had to go because the little gosling we took in was tweeting a lot and wanted some attention and I cleaned up the mess on the oven door.

So what happened within seeing the pizza piece not sitting right on the over rack, I freaked out because I feared it falling, and I have a tendency to be clumsy with these things as I anticipate things to go wrong and then they do because I am so occupied worrying about making a mistake that I don’t take the time to practically look at how to best move things around so that I can get what I want. So then instead of doing it myself, I will look for a guy around the house because they are quite good at these things, and then when LJ dropped the pizza I could be upset with him instead of myself, because I didn’t push myself beyond my own limitation but rather get someone else to do it, so that if they make a mistake, “I am not to blame” (which obviously I was).


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when dealing with a point where I have to move/manoeuvre things and I perceive myself to be “under pressure” to get it right because of circumstances such as hot plates or pans or heavy / sharp tools – anticipate me getting it wrong and messing things up – based on past experiences where I didn’t consider all the points within doing something and I messed up, or where I was busy trying something out and a guy intervened, saying I was doing it all wrong and then showing me how it’s done – where I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea that I am too clumsy to do this and that I should rather leave these points to guys as they seem to know what they are doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when dealing with a point where I have to be specific in terms of how I handle/manoeuvre things around, and where I wasn’t specific and ‘messed things up’ – have taken it personal and immediately believed that I am “just too clumsy” to do this and that I should not bother trying it again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when dealing with a point where I have to be specific in terms of how I handle/manoeuvre things around, and where I was trying / figuring it out and someone intervened – have taken the intervention personal within the belief/perception/opinion that they must think that I am unable to do this – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that this perception as projection was actually me making a decision for myself that I am unable to do this by myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when dealing with a point where I have to be specific in terms of how I handle/manoeuvre things around, go into fear and anticipation where I believe I will mess up or someone will intervene, based on memories of the past – rather just skip the step of me trying and immediately get someone else to do it for me that I believe is good at these things within the belief that “this is not me” and “I cannot do this” – without for a moment stopping and allowing myself to let go of the fear and unconditionally walk through the point within the understanding that the worst thing that can happen is that I mess up and can learn from my mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to be specific within handling/manoeuvring things which require specificity and focus – where I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe this to be a ‘guy’ thing and that I as a girl should just step back for a moment and let the guys do their thing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at how guys assess situations in terms of having to handle/manoeuvre things specifically – and teach myself to do the same

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that guys weren’t born with the inherent ability to handle/manoeuvre things specifically, but that his was a skill which was learnt overtime, where they learn this skill specifically because of the nature of the work they do – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand that it’s not a ‘gender’ or ‘gene’ thing – but about a learning process one goes through, where they probably also made a lot of mistake and found out how to do things specifically and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back on trying things out based on the justification of ‘fear of making a mistake’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepting and allowed myself to push through my own self-imposed limitations and allow myself to go through the necessary learning processes to become specific in terms of handling/manoeuvring things specifically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get someone else to do things for me because I fear making a mistake, and then get upset when they make a mistake and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect more from another than I expect from myself

When and as I see myself being faced with a situation where I see something requires specific handling/manoeuvring such as moving a pizza slice just right so that it sits just nicely on the rack without flopping on any of its sides -- and react to this within an energetic reaction of fear – where I immediately create an experience of ‘pressure’ because of the ‘delicacy’ of the situation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that just because something requires specificity in directing it does not mean that it is okay to freak out, it only means one is going to have to be specific – and so I commit myself to in those moments where I freak out within realising the specificity it is going to take to correct the situation, to breath, slow down and allow myself to assess the best way of how to deal/handle the situation and unconditionally allow myself to execute my plan

When and as I see myself being faced with a situation where I see something requires specific handling/manoeuvring such as moving a pizza slice just right so that it sits just nice on the rack without flopping/falling – and react to this within a point of self-defeat where I believe myself to just be “too clumsy” to handle this – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just me accepting a definition of self-limitation, and so I commit myself to challenge my self-definition as self-limitation and prove myself wrong

When and as I see myself being faced with a situation where I see something requires specific handling/manoeuvring, and someone intervenes as I am busy figuring out how best to do it and I take it personally – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the person intervening is merely stepping in for a moment to show how he/she has learnt how to handle the point specifically, where they within that moment noticed that I had not yet walked this point for myself and was somewhat struggling, and where they saw that they had already walked this point and decided within that moment to simply show/demonstrate how it is done so that I can shortcut my learning process and skip the ‘trials and errors’ as they had already walked these for themselves, and could now show me immediately how it is done – and so I commit myself to within those moments listen/watch attentively and not allow backchat to get the better of me and simply accept/embrace their support unconditionally

When and as I see myself reacting within fear/anticipation to a situation where I see something requires specific handling/manoeuvring, based on past memories where I messed things up and didn’t get it right from the first time – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that that was then and this is now, and I can either allow myself to go into fear and make the same mistake again or I can use the past to learn a lesson and move myself to specificity – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, slow down and allow myself to check how to best deal with the situation and if I cannot figure it out on my own, ask for assistance/support from another to see what their feedback is and accordingly execute a plan according to what I assessed would be the best course of action

When and as I see myself being faced with a situation where I see something requires specific handling/manoeuvring – and access the belief of “this is a guy thing, and I am a girl, I should probably remove myself and get a guy to do this” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this skill is not ‘gender inherent’ and that it is a learnt skill, and so I commit myself to walk the learning process of acquiring and integrating this skill within and as me

When and as I see myself requesting the assistance of another from the starting point of fear of making a mistake and not wanting to be accountable for that mistake – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that it is unacceptable to expect from another what I do not expect from myself and to then get upset at them if they do not match my expectation of them which is more than I expect from myself – and so I commit myself to push/move through my self-accepted limitations and allow myself to unconditionally test out a point without using the fear of making a mistake as a justification, as a mistake can only ever be an opportunity to learn something new/ to become more specific – unless I make the same mistake over and over as this would indicate a lack of self-commitment and self-responsibility 


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