Thursday, 7 June 2012

Day 11: Anxiety and Me - Part 1

I've had this thing for years now where whenever I experience coldness around me -- I go into an experience of anxiety. And it gets triggered just like that. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I'm at, the moment it's cold this anxiety generator inside me just switches on and starts rumbling. And it's really annoying. I've done Self-Forgiveness on this point each time winter comes around, as then it's shoved in my face every day. So here I go again.

I believe the connection between "coldness" and "anxiety" was created at some point during either my last or second last year of high school. We had a very cold winter I just hated having to walk through the cold to the train station and then sitting their in the cold waiting for the train to come, with only the smoke of a cigarette giving me some comfort of warmth. I think it was my last year of high school as at that stage I had a lot of projects going on and we had a lot of verbal assignments -- and I really hated those lol. So then in the mornings just before school I'd sit in the cold shivering, but also shivering at the same time from anxiety. At that time things weren't running very smoothly at home as well, and then when I would be going back home from school, I would also experience anxiety as I didn't know what to expect when getting home. So it was just cold, cold, cold -- anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

The cigarette smoking also didn't help, from the perspective that I wasn't smoking and being here -- using the smoking as a form of self-support to ground myself -- but instead used it as a distraction and suppress what I was experiencing which only further integrated the point into my physical even further.

And basically since then, each time it's cold I go into anxiety.
What a fuck up.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the coming moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in anxiety of what may (and thus also may not) be coming next

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be in control of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear not being in control of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be in control of how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by wanting to be in control of the future in order to be in control of what and how I experience myself -- I am confirming my position as a slave to my environment, where I am doomed to react to whatever inputs received from my surroundings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in a position where I am a slave to my environment, in terms of events occuring and me being doomed to react to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate reaction within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by anticipating reaction in the future, I am in fact scripting reaction into my own future as a self-fulfilling prophecy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of reacting within fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through fearing my own fear, all I am doing in fact is fearing myself, as I am the source of fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I am the source of fear, I can direct the fear as it is implied that I am the creator of the fear which I fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my environment to provide me with a specific input to stop my fear -- again confirming my slave status -- instead of moving and directing myself to stop my own fear, to in essence: stop myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have the power to direct myself as how I experience myself within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no way that I can direct my inner-experience, and that I must thus resort to trying to control my environment in order to manage my inner experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to manage my experience indirectly, through manipulating my environment so that it would send me the right signals telling me it's okay to stop fearing now

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to DIRECTLY change my experience within myself


I commit myself to get to the bottom of this anxiety construct so that I do not longer place myself in a position where I experience myself as a pinball, being thrown around upside down and side to side, where lots of buttons get pushed and lights go on as a result of reactions and conditioning

I commit myself to forgive myself in order to release myself and let go of this anxiety construct as it is in no way necessary to hold on to such a point

I commit myself to stop worrying about the future within the realisation that the only room for direction exists HERE and that worrying about the future only results in me having an unpleasant experience

I commit myself to ground myself whenever I experience anxiety and to no longer just "go with it" as if it has become a normal experience of "Oh yes, it's cold -- here comes the anxiety, let's just hope it gets warm soon so I don't have to be bothered with this"

I commit myself to take responsibility for what I experience inside myself and to no longer expect my environment to sort me out -- only I can sort myself out

I commit myself to not suppress any experiences such as feelings and emotions but to address them as they come up in and to not allow them to accumulate over time, allowing the problem to only get worse and worse -- within the knowledge that this point has to be faced some day so I might as well make that day TODAY

I commit myself to release myself from the chains of fear and anxiety as self-imposed limitation and explore what is possible when one is no longer caged in fear

I commit myself to the 7 Years Process to Life to assist and support myself in deconstructing redundant and self-destructive programming and replace it with a script which serves in support for what is Best for All Life
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