Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Day 17: Betrayal – Anger and Me – Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt angry and betrayed when I heard people talk behind my back about something I did while I was playing on my own, where it was said that it was childish and that they can’t believe I’m still occupying myself with these type of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt hurt within myself when I heard them talk about my back and judge me for what I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for what I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone all red in my face, where I felt raging anger, embarrassment and tears well up in my eyes all at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that  -- within that moment of them talking about me as being “childish” – that they had taken something away from me and thus feel hurt inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed and perceived that they had taken a piece of my “dignity”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at myself for having done what I did because while I was doing what I was doing before, the thought had popped in my head that the other family members might think that this is stupid and childish – but I did it anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt angry and betrayed because I believed that family was here in the world to help me and I didn’t understand / couldn’t believe why they would talk about me like that behind my back – we were supposed to have each others’ backs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of hearing them talk about me behind my back – have gone into complete anger possession – where I swore to myself that I will never trust them again and that I should instead trust myself as my thoughts because I did think that they would judge me for it and now they did – which I interpreted as a confirmation that I should trust myself as thoughts instead of expressing myself unconditionally no matter what anyone else thinks of what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what my family members think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my family members to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my family members to like me because at that point in my life they were all that I had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a higher value on what my other family members think of me than what I think of me on the basis that they are older and that they know better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between “being older”, “knowing better” and “authority”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between “being younger”, “knowing less” and “inferiority”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my family members as an example of how things are done within the belief that they know better as they are older than me – and thus use their feedback to judge myself and change myself according to what I thought would make me fit  / be normal within the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had created the belief that it was “us” as the family “against the big bad world” – and now that I heard them talk about me behind my back I felt like I had lost this support as it felt like the “big bad world” was now also in the house as the family members and I felt hopeless and alone within myself as I perceived that I had lost all hope of having people by me that I can trust as I walk through my life and this world as a child

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise at that time that there cannot be any separation between “the family” and “the world” as the family is a result of the world and thus there can be no “family vs the world” as it’s all one and the same thing as what we have accepted and allowed to have become of our creation on Earth

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that in that moment it wasn’t my family that betrayed me – but me that betrayed myself – as the experience showed that I had not been unconditional in my expression but had tied my expression to the feedback of others as my family – and thus when their feedback was negative, I felt bad and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself within myself through not being unconditional in my expression but tying it to what other think / might think of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the particular experience I went through as anger, rage, betrayal, embarrassment and sadness – was never about them but about ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my family for how I experienced myself within that moment for stabbing me in the back – while it was actually me stabbing myself in the back through not unconditionally expressing myself within the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I experienced betrayal because of the way I treated myself and my expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the family system cannot be perfect in an imperfect world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it’s not because the world is fucked up and the family system is fucked up that I must now go and betray myself and act like everyone else and the world does and become equally fucked

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot be angry at the world if I don’t take the practical steps to change the world – as all I am doing then is blaming the world for how I experience myself without doing anything to correct it and thus in essence being angry at myself for not taking responsibility for myself, my experience and my / the world

When and as I see myself going into an experience of betrayal – I stop and I breathe – I see / realise / understand that I am in fact causing this experience of betrayal inside myself as I am the one betraying me – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within blame/projection but take responsibility for my actions as self-betrayal and I commit myself to investigate this point of self-betrayal and walk the necessary Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements and Actions

When and as I see myself going into an experience of anger – I stop and I breathe – I see /realise / understand that I am in fact participating in a form of blame where I am not taking responsibility for a particular point within myself and the world – I thus investigate this point and commit myself to take the necessary steps to correct the point

I commit myself to changing the world to a place where everyone can unconditionally express themselves and where both parents and children are educated in terms of the functioning of the Mind so that they can be provided with the tools in terms of how to work with oneself and sort oneself out
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