Day 189: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/shame/regret within the context of ‘I am a bad person’, thinking that ‘I shouldn’t have done that’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I created this experience for myself within having adopted particular rules/guidelines within my Morality Character where I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some foods as ‘bad’ and will consequently according to what I eat either experience a positive energy charge connected to the ‘good food’ or a negative energy charge connected to the ‘bad food’ and so I commit myself to breathe, stop, let go and investigate what rules/script I adopted which resulted in my experience and delete/remove them

When and as I see myself experience guilt/shame/regret in relation to eating particular foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of my experience within my participation and development of my Morality Character and thus I commit myself to take responsibility for my creation and remove myself from Morality and align myself to Principle as what’s Best for my Body

When and as I see myself picking out food based on information linked to weight loss and gain – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am eating / feeding myself in order to satisfy my mind which is not the purpose of food and where as a consequence I make bad food decisions which I later regret – even though they were supposed to be ‘good decisions’ according to my food religion but my body then shows me otherwise and so I commit myself to let go and listen to my body and pick food / eat in order to sustain my body which is the purpose of food in the first place

When and as I see myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category and start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely trying to make up for ‘feeling bad’ and try to find ways to justify my decision so that I can ‘feel better’ – without looking at why I ate the food and why it is necessary to go and ‘make up’ for it and so I commit myself to stop and retrace my steps all the way back and investigate the trigger that set me off down this path of disordered reasoning

When and as I see myself accessing all my rules, codes and guidelines in relation to food and trying to figure out the ‘right thing to do’ while at the same time finding excuses/reasons why I ‘shouldn’t do the right thing’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am constantly trying to do the ‘right thing’ while at the same time trying to avoid it – there is something wrong with my direction as I am conflicted about what it is I want and thus I commit myself to investigate my starting point and come to a commitment/principle that I can actually stand by within what’s Best for my Body

Related articles

• Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession - Part 1
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food

Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion

 

When and as I see myself reacting to foods in my view when opening the fridge/cupboard within accessing ‘how much calories’ each food contains – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have trained myself over time to develop this habit to become automated as part of my food religion and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of all the information and simply look / see what it is my body would like to eat within the moment and base my food decisions on that

When and as I see myself reacting to foods in my view when opening the fridge/cupboard within accessing ‘how much calories’ each food contains and accordingly start judging some foods as ‘good’ and other foods as ‘bad’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become obsessed with calories and food without having properly investigated whether calories is a valid variable to base one’s food decisions on -- and as I have now seen, realised and understood that the body does not look/work with foods in terms of calories but the various substances it consists of which the body processes differently and so I commit myself to let go of the calorie conviction and disregard the information that comes up within breath and work with what me as my human physical body indicates would be best to eat

When and as I see myself judging particular foods as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that food in itself is innocent – it is what it is and it’s just here. It is neither good or bad but is merely a food which consists of particular substances which have particular effects when ingested and when ingested in combination with other foods – thus I commit myself to base my decision on ‘what to eat’ within looking/seeing what my body requires within that particular moment and to identify what food within that moment would be best suitable and which foods are not best suitable and within that I also see and realise that the same food will not always be the best option in every single moment but will depend on the state of the body at that point in time depending on the context of the moment and thus I additionally commit myself to be flexible and re-assess each moment individually and to not base my decisions on past memories as they may not be relevant to the moment and interfere with what is Best for my Body

When and as I see myself pick a particular food based on its caloric content – I stop and I breathe – I check my starting point and ask myself whether this is indeed the best food to within the moment eat and check how my body responds and so I commit myself to use my body as a feedback system to check whether or not to eat something and disregard caloric value


When and as I see myself scanning the various foods in the fridge/cupboard and start accessing all the data I have accumulated while participating within Anorexia in relation to the various foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I am accessing is obsolete and no longer relevant as it is not a reliable method to use as a base to make one’s eating/food decision on and so I commit myself breathe, let go, ground myself within and as my human physical body and check my body to see what it is that would be most supportive to eat within the moment

When and as I see myself comparing foods based on their caloric content – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that looking only at calories is an isolated and limited means to base one’s eating/food decisions on and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of the information and to check with my body what is required to be eaten

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/regret/shame and a sense of failure when eating a food that I am ‘supposed to not eat’ according to my Eating Disorder Food Religion – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these emotions and feelings are an untrustworthy feedback system to base my food decisions on as they are feedbacks from the mind and not from the body and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and let go of the emotions and to check with my body and take note of how my body responds to particular foods within a particular context for future reference from a starting point of what is Best for my Body rather than looking at what’s best to fulfil my Food Religion ideas of the Mind

When and as I see myself wanting to eat a particular food to which I have linked a high caloric content and eat it from a sense of ‘spitefulness’ and ‘eat it anyway’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am acting from reaction which is not a solution as I have not yet re-aligned my starting point but am merely ‘rebelling’ and ‘opposing’ still within the framework of calories which indicates to me that even though I am acting ‘backwards’ I am still participating / holding on to the same starting point as calories as ‘anti-calories’ – as I am merely going ‘against’ the calories without actually checking whether within disregarding the calories the same food option still stands -- and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body as to not make decisions based on emotions/judgments/reactions as ‘rebellion’ towards ‘calories’ but to check with my body what it requires within the moment that would be most supportive to eat and make my decision according to that

Related articles

• Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 186: Baggage from the Past - when is an ED really over?
• Day 279: Anorexia and Desteni
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 306: Encryption of the System of Self
• Day 154: Cutting the Strings

Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?

I’ll be going through my day and everything is normal and then I would for instance open the fridge and want to eat a particular food and then a thought quickly flashed by that goes “No, don’t do that – don’t you know how many calories is in that??” Like randomly, out of nowhere, completely out of context. And then I actually go “hmmm – good point there” and then “what no! what am I doing?!” and then have to snap myself out of it.

Or I’m busy doing some exercises just because its fun and supportive and then there will be a small moment where I go “I wonder how many calories you burn doing this” – like a sneaky little thought that crawls up from the back of your head and then I actually start shifting my perspective/approach on the exercise I’m doing and go “hmm yes interesting how many calories am I actually burning hmmm I wonder if its more or less than that exercise – oh maybe eating that piece of chocolate earlier is being cancelled out right now…” and then if I don’t stop myself it just goes round and round and round and I start looking at everything in terms of losing wait and calories and fat and how to cancel things out and making plans for the future of what I am and not going to eat because if I eat this then I cannot eat that but then maybe later if I do that then it’s okay and and and… – it just spirals out really quickly. Just from following that one thought – where I go ‘ok thought, I give you permission to exist’ and then after I give it the ‘okay’ it starts bringing in all its friends and they bring their friends and before I know it there’s a full blown party in my head and it’s like I’m having an ED episode all over again.

So every day I see there are still little temptations, little points that if I allow myself to go there, the whole ED thing comes falling right back from the sky and then boom – I’m in it. Because it only takes that one thought, that one point where you kind of start looking at something in distorted way, kind of tilting your head into a different angle – and then that’s enough to screw yourself over. That one point of acceptance and allowance of ‘one little thought’ literally floods the gate for shit to come pouring in. If you allow that ONE point, you allow ALL of it.

So it’s quite interesting to see how I go through my day because it’s really a matter of ‘all or nothing’ where I either don’t participate in this type of stuff or where when I do I can just see how it just kind of start seeping in from all the corners of my day, like it literally starts to frame my day from this one perspective only until I go ‘Uh oh, what am I doing – stop!’

Earlier I was going through some checklists to see how people are ‘diagnosed’ with Eating Disorders as usually these type of things contain a list of disorder behaviour and the more you click ‘yes’ the more likely you have this or that disorder and I wanted to see what was considered normal and what not. So now in one of these lists, most of the points consisted of points/thoughts that most people have like: not wanting to be fat, wanting to be thin, feeling guilty after eating a lot, exercising to lose weight, caring about how you look, etc, etc – and then you also have the extreme points like starving yourself and binging and puking and flooding yourself with meds and laxatives. Yet if you only tick the ones I mentioned first, you don’t have an eating disorder and if you tick the points I mentioned last: you do.

Which is weird because from my perspective, it’s all disordered. Starving, binging, puking, meds and excessive exercise are just the outflow / extreme end of those other seemingly ‘innocent’ points that everyone has where you’re ‘conscious of how you look and what you eat’. I mean, I’ve been there – I had the ‘innocent thoughts’ and I followed them and you end up in a pretty screwed up situation. As long as we allow any form of distortion towards food and our bodies there will always be serious eating disorders like anorexia en bulimia – because those ‘innocent thoughts’ are merely the key to a door with a very long hallway with destination Eating Disorder. You may not go all the way down the hall but you’re still in the same building. It’s not just people who are seriously underweight and physically deteriorating that require ‘treatment’ for their disorder – because they’re just on the far end of the construct – and it’s a construct everyone participates in.

Related articles

• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Writing - Part 3
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret

Day 177: Ana - I Failed You

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 167: The Big Fall  and Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and consider myself to be a failure for not having been able to push through within continuing to participate within my Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpred my "Big Fall" as the confirmation point that I am a failure and will never get anywhere in Life because I can't stick to anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed all my self-worth and self-value within this one point of pursuing and maintaining an Eating Disorder where I placed all my hopes into this one point and thus when I didn't persevere in this one point as ED I deemed myself as a complete failure and waste of space and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone and stuffed myself to confirm / affirm that I am a failure and I will never get anywhere so I might as well stuff myself to shit as "if I'm not going to get anywhere in Life I might as well enjoy stuffing myself and getting an energy high from food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have locked myself into a mode of self-defeat from that day onwards -- where whatever I do and whatever I participate in, it is never good enough and I will never be good enough because I have already proven to myself that I can't commit to something to a point of completion

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my Eating Disorder did not end that day but merely took a 180 turn where I went into the opposite polarity of 'not caring what I eat' and 'stuffing myself' where I then only cared about the energetic experience / charge I would get from eating tasty food which is again eating from a Mind perspective and not actually taking into consideration what foods would actually assist and support my body and thus still existing within a pattern of self-destruction and self-neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after my 'Big Fall' have gone into a polarity experience whereby I now stuffed myself with all the foods I had denied myself for so long and gaining lots of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my relationship towards food and eating was now one of 'Not caring' as if I was totally "cool" and "fine" with eating whatever I wanted and carried this attitude from a point of superiority in terms of "Look at me, I'm not superficial, I don't care about this whole "be skinny thing" just eat what you like and love yourself" -- not seeing and realising that I had taken on this attitude from a starting point of Spite wherein I wanted to push away / say 'fuck you' in the face of anorexia as if I was "over it" and where anorexia wasn't "good enough for me" wherein I took on a diminishing / demeaning stance towards anorexia/bulimia/ed to hide the fact that it was actually I who felt rejected, diminished, demeaned and not good enough in face of Anorexia as I had failed -- but instead put up a 'tough front' in order to not having to face these feelings and hiding from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a stance of 'I don't care' towards food and eating as an easy way out / quick fix for not having to deal with my inner turmoil

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the time and space to properly work through this point but instead allowed myself to drag this burden around for years without seeing and realising how much this memory/experience was still affecting me within my every day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I failed maintaining an Eating Disorder that this means that I am a failure

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having and maintaining an Eating Disorder is not sustainable and would have ended at some point or another as in the end the Physical perishes in order to maintain one's imagination and fantasies of being skinny

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not persevering with an Eating Disorder does not automatically imply that I am a failure, but is a decision that I made for myself within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not have to see / define / experience myself as a failure for not having persevered within pursuing/maintaining an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only thing I failed at was valuing myself as a Being rather than an image/picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only valued myself in so far that I could stick within maintaining an Eating Disorder instead of valuing myself as Life

Related articles

• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall 

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach 

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within not having been satisfied with myself and my life, have made the decision to pursue an eating disorder in order to make my life more interesting – where I totally and completely submerge myself into this one point of ‘change’ within being unwilling to look at the actual cause/reason as to why I am unhappy/dissatisfied with my life as what is already here and bring about the necessary corrections

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within being unhappy/dissatisfied with my life and how things were going -- to not have looked at all the various dimensions/aspects that my life consists of pinpoint what requires correction and have giving it direction to change – but where instead I created an additional point/later/dimension on top of what was already existent, and submerged myself within this point totally and completely to the point that all other dimensions/aspects of my life are ‘pushed away’ and only this one point as an Eating Disorder exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within not being happy/satisfied with my life and not really wanting to look at the origin/cause/reason of this unhappiness/dissatisfaction – have created a point of distraction/entertainment as an Eating Disorder which I submerged and indulged in to the fullest extent, where every moment of my day was tied to this one point which took dominance in my life as coping mechanism where I could be busy/entertained and feel like I was ‘doing something’ and ‘going somewhere’ while all the while I was really hiding from myself and the points that required direction within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within having found my life dull and boring to have created the point of Eating Disorder within my life as a way to ‘spice up’ and make my life more ‘exciting’ – believing that this was an innocent point and not considering that my constant and continuous participation within this one point would cause it to start leading a life of its own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of changing my life and the points I was dissatisfied with, have merely mutated my life within adding an additional dimension/aspect within it to entertain and distract myself whereby my life in essence remained the same but went unnoticed within being completely obsessed and involved in this one point as managing an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within making the decision of taking on an Eating Disorder, have only taken into account the mental/mind aspect of my life/reality, where all I cared about was having particular experiences without for a moment looking at and considering the physical implications of such an undertaking, where I utterly and completely disregarded my human physical body and only cared about having a positive energetic experience within losing weight

When and as I see myself seeking out and looking for a point that I can add to my life in order to bring in new energy charges within being unhappy/dissatisfied with my life or finding it dull/boring – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not interested in real change but want to go for a ‘quick fix’, where instead of investigating why I am unhappy and dissatisfied with my life and giving those points direction to come to a correction – have gone and looked/created an additional point that I can add/integrate to my already existing life in order to bring in something ‘new’ and suppress my current experience – I see and realise that this is not an actual solution but merely covering up / hiding the problem and making it harder for myself to actually bring about change that I can be satisfied with permanently and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and investigate the nature of me looking for a project/point to add to my life to ‘heighten’ the contrast of my living experience so to speak, and commit myself to identify/investigate the cause/origin that triggered this looking for / creation of an additional dimension within my life within investigating who I am and who I live as now, and to see where I can change things to a point of effectiveness so that I do not have to trap myself within a polarity game of energy where I constantly seek out the good to balance out bad without seeing and understanding how these negative and positive experiences came about in the first place

When and as I see myself go into a movement of ‘maybe I can focus on losing weight again’ – I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that I have gone down this road before which is merely a point of distraction to cover up an inherent feeling of dissatisfaction and disappointment with my life and so I commit myself to identify these points of dissatisfaction/disappointment and map them out so that I can work through them within Self Forgiveness and Self Correction