Friday, 25 January 2013

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions

Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
Day 167: The Big Fall 
Day 168: Always Just out of Reach
I was looking some more at the point of when I stopped as described in Day 167: The Big Fall -- where I caved in and surrender myself to stuffing myself and after that day 'never looked back' so to speak.

What's interesting within this point is how I always told myself and portrayed this event to myself and others as 'the day I decided to stop'. And this is not actually a correct description of what happened.

What essentially happened was that I gave up, I couldn't do it any longer - I failed. But instead of looking at it that way, I made it seem like I gave up on it, because that made me look like a 'stronger' person. It's like dumping someone before they dump you so you're not seen as the weak one. So that's kind of what happened there.

I mean if I could have - I would have continued. And like I mentioned before, I tried from time to time but the moments were short-lived as I would soon give up again and then tell myself 'Nah, that's not interesting / worth it anymore', where I was the one turning my back on ED while I actually experienced it the other way around. But it was easier to tell myself that it was 'my decision' and to take on an attitude of 'I'm over you' so I didn't have to face the sense of failure and giving up on myself that I experienced.

So me 'turning my back' on participating within an Eating Disorder had been a point of spitefulness instead of letting go and actually changing. And so within that, the Eating Disorder still 'won' because I am still carrying that sense of failure and being without direction within my life, where it's still luring over my shoulder from the shadows, reminding me of what I wasn't able to do.

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