This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – Part 1
Besides managing my thoughts
deliberately to keep myself 'energized' and 'motivated' -- I also used
images to further indoctrinate myself with my new 'lifestyle'.
The thoughts helped to some extent to 'keep me going', but it wasn't
enough. So next, I started to play with images in various ways. I would
become very specific about what I would watch on TV, to make sure that I
only or mostly watched shows with lots of skinny people or fashion
programmes. This was to everyday, as much as I could, imprint and
instill my 'goal' to make sure that I do not stray off my path. I also
made sure to go through all the regular and fashion magazines we had, to
again imprint those pictures into my mind
to keep myself motivated. Whenever I would slack on this 'picture'
regime, I would slowly but surely start becoming less 'committed' and
sloppy within my routine of doing and not doing things.
So just like with the reading not being 'enough' anymore to keep me
going, where I expanded the point into managing my thoughts -- just
'looking' at the pictures had come to a point where it was not giving me
the same 'energy dose' to submerge myself into my obsessions. So again,
I took it a step further. Instead of 'passively' looking at the
images/pictures and taking them in, I decided to 'engage' myself more
actively -- I figured this would give me a 'higher return' of energy
through 'investing' more effort in it lol. And I turned out to be
right. I started a scrap book, where I started pasting in the pictures
from the magazines that I liked
the most, arranging them all very precisely and meticulously -- giving
it as much attention as I could. The cutting, pasting and arranging was
giving me some 'extra fuel' to run on, but I was looking for more. So I
looked for another way where I could engage myself more within the realm
of images: which was drawing.
I started keeping a sketch book aside my scrapbook, where I would draw /
copy images and would attempt to draw them to perfection. This was very
time-consuming and required a lot of concentration - so this was like
the perfect activity to draw energy
from, because it had to be PERFECT. I had to get the ratios, the lines,
the curves -- everything had to be perfect before I would stop. And
then I would go over those lines and curves that I liked again and again
(like say the hipbones). The slow and meticulous drawing and
correcting, really locked myself into my obsession-mode and worked quite
effectively in terms of brainwashing myself.
This was when I learnt the power of putting pencil to paper -- where next, I explored the point of writing.
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