Day 89: Holding Back

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- go both into a point of excitement and gloom -- where I am excited about meeting the new birdie and getting to know him and at the same time go into a point of 'gloom' of 'what if the bird does not make it' and -- "I shouldn't get ahead of myself, for all I know it'll be dead tomorrow or in the next few days"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories as having had fun with birds in the past, where it was cool to be around them, play with them and simply observe them interact with reality -- where I within that moment go and access all the 'positively' charged memories -- and get excited about the prospect of being able to 're-live' those moments as re-living the positive energies associated with the memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when i learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories has having been sad in relation to birds upon finding out that they were hurt and thus probably going to die or upon finding out that they died -- where within that moment I go and access all of the 'negatively' charged memories -- and get sad about the prospect of possible 're-living' those moments as re-living the negstive energies associates with the memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to information in my environment/reality within automated reaction -- where I go and dig up all related/similar past events and upload them within and as me -- and use these memories as the various pictures and energies as emotions and feeling to 'define' the current moment -- and within this context, define my relationship with the found bird -- where I within that moment of receiving the information that there is a new birdie, and uploading/recycling the various memories of the past, I mold and shape my starting point of interaction with the birdie based on the past as past relationships with other birds -- where I limit my participation/interaction within the limited framework of the past as what I have already experienced/gone through -- and within that completely lose the moment / hereness of what is actually going on -- as I filter every moment through the past and put myself in a position where I am unable to assess/see any given moment/situation for what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created/established a relationship of hope/fear with the new birdie, even before I met it -- based on past experiences/memories -- where I hope to have an enjoyful relationship with the bird and at the same time fear losing the bird already

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mode of 'reservefulness' -- where I accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' within myself and interaction with the bird -- where I first want to see how things go and what is going to happen before I will allow myself to just be here and play/share with the birdie -- out of fear of being hurt when / if it dies

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by setting myself up to be 'reserved' I am in fact already placing myself within an experience of 'loss' -- where I am not allowing myself to actually be here and participate/interact with the birdie unconditionally -- and within that already 'take away' that which I fear losing as simply being comfortable and having fun with the bird -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within a distorted sense of wanting to be in control of the situation, go and deny myself having fun with the bird -- so that it is ME deciding to deny myself this, where it is not something 'happening' to me to which I react -- where I believe that because I am initiating the point of witholding as not allowing myself to unconditionally enjoy the bird -- that I am in control and will not get hurt if the birdie dies, as I never allowed myself to get close to the bird in the first place

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is in fact a waste to be 'reserved' and to 'hold back' -- as I am merely denying myself to bere here, comfortable -- whether or not something happens to the bird -- where within just being here, comfortable and sharing/expressing, I am making the best out of being here with the bird, regardless of 'how much time' spent with the bird in terms of lifespan -- and where if I hold myself back/ am reserved -- I am merely compromising myself and the bird for the sake of holding on to my fear

Related articles

• Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself
• Day 81: I'm a Lost Cause, Let me Save You
• Day 82: Self-Completion
• Day 71: Fear of Others as Myself - Part 2
• Day 69: Fear of Sharing - Part 2

Day 82: Self-Completion

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 81: I'm a Lost Cause, Let me Save You
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect that within another which I perceive have ‘lost’ within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in complete awe of baby birds and birds in general because of their innocent expression – from the starting point of separation and jealousy, where I do not see myself being able to integrate those points as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put all my time and dedication into another from a starting point of separation, where I want to cherish and protect certain qualities within them from the starting point of believing that I do not have these, and thus need to find them ‘outside’ of myself and maintain them ‘out there’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dedicate myself to another where I see that they have certain qualities that I believe I do not have or have lost – instead of seeing and realising that all that exists, exists here as a reflection of me – and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace the qualities I admire / am in awe of in another as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dedicate my time and attention to another within seeing certain qualities in them – without for a moment taking the point back to myself and see how I can dedicate time and attention to myself within embracing/developing these qualities within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated with (baby) birds from the starting point of protecting them as fear of loss – where I see those qualities as innocence and expression which I believe/perceive myself to have ‘lost’ and where I want to hold on to these points within holding on to another within which I see these qualities – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to participate with birds/other beings as myself from the starting point of assisting and supporting myself within an equal and one relationship to use this as an opportunity where another can show me sides I have not yet embraced as myself and thus assist and support myself to embrace/accept/integrate them as me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from ‘expression’ and ‘innocence’ – where I believe that I am ‘too fucked’, ‘too late’, ‘a lost cause’ and will never be able to achieve such innocent expression as just being here and participating within reality without having any preconceived ideas and fears about things – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace this point of innocence/expression as myself and commit/dedicate myself to move myself to remove the layers of deception within me to be able to live and participate within this world without the limitation of ideas/beliefs/opinions and fears


When and as I see myself wanting to protect that within another which I perceive I have ‘lost’ within myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this only further confirms my religion of self and integrates my self-limitation even deeper – and so I commit myself to within that very moment of wanting to move into ‘protecting’ another because of the qualities I see in them, I stop – I breathe and ground myself here as my human physical body – additionally I commit myself to take note of the point and walk it within specific Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements / Application

When and as I see myself looking/observing a being and being in awe/jealousy in relation to particular qualities I observe within them such as innocence and expression – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am approaching this other being within a starting point of separation and so I commit myself to breathe, be here as my human physical body and move myself to investigate the nature of the separation within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to cherish/protect another within seeing particular qualities within them – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a statement of separation where I am placing these points ‘outside’ of myself and create a relationship of dependency with the other being where I believe I require them to experience those particular qualities – and so instead I commit myself to establish/develop an equal and one relationship with the other being as myself and assist and support myself to embrace/accept/integrate those qualities I see within another, as myself

When and as I see myself going into an fanatical mode of wanting to dedicate my all to another being because of perceiving certain qualities within them such as innocence and expression – I stop and I breathe – I ask myself the question: Why am I not allowing myself to be equally passionate about myself – where I, in every moment of breath move and force myself to assist and support myself within my Journey to Life so that I can be the best possible version of myself and not need to depend on others to ‘complete’ me

When and as I see myself participating with other beings such a (baby) birds from a starting point of fear of loss – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience is indicating to me points to which I am ‘holding on to’ which I can only do if I believe that I am able to lose them, implying separation – and so I commit myself to investigate the nature of the fear of loss and commit myself to walk the point to completion within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘too fucked’, ‘too late’ and/or ‘a lost cause’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that it is going to take time and dedication to within walking myself back to Life – where every moment of my Life as a Robot requires reversing and specific investigation as to ensure that I do not accept and allow such nature to dictate me – and so I commit myself to gift myself time, patience, dedication, care, attention, forcefulness, passion, determination, directiveness to assist and support myself to walk this Process / Journey effectively and specifically, to become a human being that I can be satisfied with