Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Day 89: Holding Back

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- go both into a point of excitement and gloom -- where I am excited about meeting the new birdie and getting to know him and at the same time go into a point of 'gloom' of 'what if the bird does not make it' and -- "I shouldn't get ahead of myself, for all I know it'll be dead tomorrow or in the next few days"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories as having had fun with birds in the past, where it was cool to be around them, play with them and simply observe them interact with reality -- where I within that moment go and access all the 'positively' charged memories -- and get excited about the prospect of being able to 're-live' those moments as re-living the positive energies associated with the memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when i learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories has having been sad in relation to birds upon finding out that they were hurt and thus probably going to die or upon finding out that they died -- where within that moment I go and access all of the 'negatively' charged memories -- and get sad about the prospect of possible 're-living' those moments as re-living the negstive energies associates with the memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to information in my environment/reality within automated reaction -- where I go and dig up all related/similar past events and upload them within and as me -- and use these memories as the various pictures and energies as emotions and feeling to 'define' the current moment -- and within this context, define my relationship with the found bird -- where I within that moment of receiving the information that there is a new birdie, and uploading/recycling the various memories of the past, I mold and shape my starting point of interaction with the birdie based on the past as past relationships with other birds -- where I limit my participation/interaction within the limited framework of the past as what I have already experienced/gone through -- and within that completely lose the moment / hereness of what is actually going on -- as I filter every moment through the past and put myself in a position where I am unable to assess/see any given moment/situation for what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created/established a relationship of hope/fear with the new birdie, even before I met it -- based on past experiences/memories -- where I hope to have an enjoyful relationship with the bird and at the same time fear losing the bird already

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mode of 'reservefulness' -- where I accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' within myself and interaction with the bird -- where I first want to see how things go and what is going to happen before I will allow myself to just be here and play/share with the birdie -- out of fear of being hurt when / if it dies

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by setting myself up to be 'reserved' I am in fact already placing myself within an experience of 'loss' -- where I am not allowing myself to actually be here and participate/interact with the birdie unconditionally -- and within that already 'take away' that which I fear losing as simply being comfortable and having fun with the bird -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within a distorted sense of wanting to be in control of the situation, go and deny myself having fun with the bird -- so that it is ME deciding to deny myself this, where it is not something 'happening' to me to which I react -- where I believe that because I am initiating the point of witholding as not allowing myself to unconditionally enjoy the bird -- that I am in control and will not get hurt if the birdie dies, as I never allowed myself to get close to the bird in the first place

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is in fact a waste to be 'reserved' and to 'hold back' -- as I am merely denying myself to bere here, comfortable -- whether or not something happens to the bird -- where within just being here, comfortable and sharing/expressing, I am making the best out of being here with the bird, regardless of 'how much time' spent with the bird in terms of lifespan -- and where if I hold myself back/ am reserved -- I am merely compromising myself and the bird for the sake of holding on to my fear

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