Day 240: The Non-Believer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘work’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘burden’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a burden out of everything in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything and everyone as out to abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone pushing through resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have diminished myself to such an extent that even the most basic things like feeding myself have become a burden 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind 'I have time', behind 'I don't have to do this right now', behind 'choice' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time things will get easier' that 'time heals all wounds' - not seeing and realizing that it is in reverse, that wounds fester and grow deeper roots 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for things to 'come together' on their own accord

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have taken Bernard's words to heart, for real - but instead stored them as knowledge and information in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time it will be easier to live and apply his words' with the hidden notion that 'maybe I don't have to live and apply them, maybe there's a way out' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wasted my time and continue to waste my time 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to save me from myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have twisted the words 'believing in myself' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as hoping and waiting for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'believing in myself' as 'taking a backseat' within myself, that I don't have to be aware, that I don't have to be in breath 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as passive hope, waiting and hoping for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow exempt from reality and consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a state of shock, of ‘oh shit, I really have to do this, WE really have to do this’ - where there is a sense of ‘I can’t believe this is happening, this is real’ even though it has been shared and foretold many times, but I took it for granted, believed and perceived that somehow there’s going to be a ‘happy ending’ - yet all the indicators are not pointing at a happy ending , things are getting worse 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process as a method of ‘self improvement’ as a way to ‘improve myself’ and ‘improve my life’ - looking only at the context of ‘my life’ and ‘this one life’ and not from the perspective of eternity as eternal being that is going to be here after death, as a being that is part of all that is here, that there is no actual ‘death’ as ‘an end’ - there is no escaping what is here as what I have accepted and allowed as what is currently exists here on this earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as overcoming ‘some limitations’ and not within the commitment to overcome ALL limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence because I already decided at the beginning of my process that ‘I can’t really do this’ 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided that I ‘can’t really do this’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself that walking process is ‘impossible’ and within that never really committed 100%

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard is the exception 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard asked everyone to do the impossible 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as a lifestyle - and in essence have walked as a non-believer, as a Judas - showing a front of agreement but behind my back crossing my fingers that 'I don't actually believe this' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning of my process had seen the implications of Bernard's words, of being the directive principle in EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH, even when ASLEEP - and to have in that moment gone 'pfft, no way, that's stretching it too far' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never really have started my process but been only walking the process to walking my process - still 'making up my mind' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been walking in postponement, waiting 'for proof' even though I lived with the walking and talking proof as Bernard 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process like a dream - that it's not really real - while it is all in reverse - what I thought was real and important was the dream 

Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a 'rough life' and that doing something which would benefit others besides myself was considered to just be 'too much'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a 'rough life'-- not seeing and realising that this 'roughness' was only ever relevant in terms of my mind experience of my life -- and had in no way to do with any form of 'physical roughness'- as I had everything in my life (and more) which I required to support myself physically

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that mental roughness does not count as it is self-created and can at any time be terminated and is thus no valid reason/excuse/justification to not do something physical which actually supports physical living on this planet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had no right to say 'no' and 'let someone else do it' -- as I was in a position where I could do things to improve practical living, even if it was just in the home environment -- but where I accepted and allowed ideas about 'my life' which were not real to hold me back from doing something real and tangible which would actually have an actual effect in improving things in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had a rough life while everything was taken care of, where I had a home, food, and support from my parents to ensure that I would be able to stand in the world and were quite generous in the freedom they permitted to me in 'doing my own thing' and what directions I wanted to take in life and then did not want to contribute in the home environment to make things more nice to live in terms of cleanliness and alleviating work from others because I was too busy in my mind thinking of how things weren't going my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have huffed and puffed whenever my mom would ask me to help out with something, where I believed it was 'my right' to just lay in the couch and watch tv -- not seeing and realising that this luxury was only possible to exist within others actually having a rough life where these products came about from assembly lines with people having horrible jobs with little pay and did not have the privilege of saying 'no' and 'let someone else do it' as this would jeopardize their and their family's security -- just so a few can make a good buck in selling these products cheaply for others who believe they have a rough life and want a 'piece of happiness'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that for certain things to be possible like the ease of taking a clean cup from the cupboard -- certain conditions and steps require to be in place for that cup to be clean and be in its spot -- where someone had to clean the cup and put it there for me to be able to 'just take it' and use it and where I enjoyed this option but did not care/bother to make it happen the same for others and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want everything 'free' in life -- where I want to be able to just take the cup and use it with no consequence, 'free of charge' so to speak, where once there is effort/'charge' involved, I'm no longer interested because now I have to 'do stuff' and now 'just taking the cup out of the cupboard' is not so nice anymore because I have to actually be part of the cleaning and putting away process so then I rather not use the cup at all or come up with some excuse that will allow me to keep getting it 'for free'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my life and what I had/have and the people in my life for granted -- where I did not take into consideration that someone had to build the couch and the tv, that someone had to work to be able to pay for the couch and the tv, and where I had no respect for the end result or the people involved in the process of making the couch/tv accessible to me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if everyone just wants to do nothing but at the same time wants everything from life -- that these two stand points are simply not compatible, because having things in life like food, a home and luxury products requires of someone to make it, to put effort into it -- and thus if I want those things I must make myself equally available to others so they can have the same -- which I didn't because all I cared about was myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only ever lived within and as self interest

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that i had not yet experienced actual roughness in life but only ever experienced my idea of it -- where I rather indulged in an experience of 'oh no, its too much' while comfortably being zoned out on the couch while others on this planet have no such choice and have to bear harsh physical conditions just to make it another day and would be happy to give up everything to be able to live my life and have barely any responsibilities to take care of in life

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf