Day 154: Cutting the Strings

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
Day 136: Walking Back in Time
Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions
Day 138: Move or Be Moved
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 146: Death of a Horse
Day 147 & 148: Aftermath - Death of a Horse
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?
Day 151: My Way or the Highway
Day 152: Things are Not Always what they Seem
Day 153: Body – Marionette of the Mind
Day 154: Cutting the Strings

When and as I see myself participating within movements which just seemingly seem to ‘happen’ where these movements just come about without me actively directing and moving myself within awareness – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am not the directive principle something else is and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and identify what program is directing my physical movement and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself moving my hand over my mouth within conversations/activities – I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing my ‘holding back’ programming and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and participate unconditionally and to investigate what fear point triggered the program and to work through it within writing and self-correction

When and as I see myself pick up my scarf and move towards my mouth / place it over my mouth – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that unless my face is cold there is no logical explanation as to why I would be placing my scarf over my mouth and so I must be accessing the ‘holding back’ program within and as me and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, remove the scarf and participate unconditionally

When and as I see myself move my hand in front of my mouth, move my scarf in front of my mouth, start mumbling or experience a movement of ‘holding back’ within my chest – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise I am accessing a program in support of ‘holding back’ indicating to me that I am reacting to a fear point and so I commit myself to correct these movements as removing my hand/scarf away from my mouth and start speaking clearly to assist and support myself to get out of my programmed response pattern to particular triggers and I commit myself to identify, trace, and pin-point the exact trigger that set the reaction into motion and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing emotions and feelings such as fear and anxiety upon which I respond with particular movements which get set in motion without really knowing ‘how’ or ‘why’ I am responding this way – I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am playing out a programmed pattern designed to set off upon receiving particular triggers, where I have accepted and allowed such points/experiences/movements to a point of normalcy and so I commit myself to question every inner movement and outer movement as my human physical body within asking myself: where does this movement come from – am I the directive principle or not? And to accordingly assist and support myself to spot any patterns which I was not yet conscious of and to investigate them within self-reflective writing and write and apply myself to correction

I commit myself to identify/spot every moment where I go and access the ‘holding back’ program within myself and to correct myself each and every time until it is done

When and as I see myself experience resistance/difficulty in relation to stop the pattern of holding back within and as me and want to rather just ‘go with it’ as what I am used to / have allowed to become my ‘comfort zone’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can either continue compromising myself to the rest of my life or I can make an effort to change, which will take some time, discipline, diligence, consistency and patience – but where I will have actually changed and have a result that I can be happy/satisfied with and so I commit myself to change within honouring myself and the best I can be

Related articles

• Day 153: Body - Marionette of the Mind
• Day 136: Walking Back in Time
• Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
• Day 163: Birthing ourselves as life, as a partnership Part 21 - Suppression.
• Day 130: Holding Myself Back
• Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions

Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of investigating my experience within having taken my father’s reaction personal in relation to me playing around on the pc and then breaking this – have gone into ‘shut down’ mode where I don’t consider anything but my experience as energy as fear and anxiety and where within this close-mindedness I made the decision that playing around on the pc and exploring things is best done in secret / in a way that will not be obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was forced to take the route of ‘playing in secret’ on the pc because of fear that my father would react ‘badly’ again where I would end up feeling miserable – where instead of tackling the point within myself and actually dealing with it I decided to see how I can ‘minimize’ the point through avoidance/circumvention where instead of changing myself and my behaviour I merely ‘mutated’ it by playing around when my father was not around and not telling him if something happened so that it could have been ‘anyone’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to deal with this situation where my father would get angry if I messed things up on the pc during my ‘playtime’ was through doing it in secret and sometimes promising myself that I would simply NEVER EVER touch the pc again to avoid such situations at ALL COST where I believed that I will just ‘give up’ this point of exploration if it meant not having to face conflict/friction – going into the opposite polarity which is again: not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was faced with my father being angry at me having messed things up on the pc after my ‘play time’ and experiencing inner turmoil in relation to my father’s anger – have immediately looked at how I can change my behaviour in terms of avoiding conflict where I believed that what must change is my external environment and where I completely disregarded the issue as my inner experience as turmoil within fear and anxiety – where I did not once asked myself : ‘wait, why am I experiencing myself this way? Do I have to experience myself this way? This experience is within me, can’t I just change it?’ but instead manipulated my movement to secrecy in order to avoid inner conflict in the face of outer conflict, which meant that the conflict was still within me, all it needed was the right trigger – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I remove the trigger to particular experiences inside myself as fear/anxiety in relation to anger outbursts – that my problem is ‘fixed’ – not seeing and realising that the trigger was never the problem but the experience which was already pre-existent within and as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to besides taking on my inner experience, to also not have looked at how I could approach playing around on the pc without creating damage due to ignorance on my part where I did not yet completely understand what consequences are created through particular actions on a pc – where I absolutely wanted to discover things through ‘trial and error’ without first doing my homework as in reading up about computers and how these things work as other people have already investigated pcs and what is the best way to do particular things to get a particular result – or asking someone to show me around, as this would have saved me lots of breaking and screwing up things at the expense of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to go and play around on the pc without getting some background first, where I believed it was unfair for my father to get angry at me when things would break/malfunction within the pc because I believed that I was not doing anything ‘wrong’ as I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond myself and my own experience and only wanted to have ‘fun’ without taking into consideration how my version of ‘fun’ could create damage to others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that such events were never about ‘me’ and ‘my self-expression’ where I believed such incidents to be indicators that I am ‘not good enough’ and that ‘I should hide’ – where these points were my own interpretation of the events which I decided on and brought into being/reality through my belief/participation within them – and where I failed to look beyond my limited existence and realise that it’s not all about me and that I did not yet take everything into consideration and was creating unnecessary consequence for myself and others, where instead of addressing my attitude, I attempted to address my environment leaving everything unchanged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since my father was reacting in anger and I was reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – that because of the nature of the energy he was expressing as ‘anger’ I believed that he must be wrong and that I was right because I was crying, which makes him the ‘bad guy’ and me the ‘poor girl’– where just because I believed anger to be ‘wrong’ I did not look at whether at some level or another he has a point, but immediately went into self-victimization and self-righteousness

Related articles

• Day 204 - Self judgment and Aggression
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being