Thursday, 6 December 2012

Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was a child and expressed something towards an adult / parent / authority figure and have gotten an aggravated reply to which I reacted within experiencing fear and anxiety – have made the decision within myself that it is better not to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘it is better not to speak’ was the only ‘logical’ thing to do/ assume when being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authority figure – where I believed that this conclusion was the only possible way to respond to such an occurrence and that I as such had not actively participated within that decision – where ‘not speaking’ was the only possible outcome as something that just ‘happened’ to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me becoming timid and shy as a result of an event where I expressed something and got an aggravated reply -- did not just ‘happen’ – as the change happened within myself and not outside myself, and thus I played a role within becoming a timid person – where in the moment where the adult / parent / authoritative figure replied to me within an aggravated energy – I went into fear and made the deliberate decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ – not because ‘it was my only option’ – but because in that moment I made a deliberate decision to adopt the motto of ‘it’s better not to speak’ within preferring the option of avoiding conflict/friction such as in aggravation over unconditional self-expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen, realised, understood and admitted to myself that ‘it is better not to speak’ was not the only possible outcome to the scenario of being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authoritative figure – where I could have made the decision to not allow someone’s expression within an aggravated energy to affect me and to simply continue expressing myself, regardless of someone’s reaction to what I expressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of receiving an aggravated reply upon something I expressed and experiencing fear and anxiety within not understanding the other person’s response and the energetic charge it was carrying – have put myself in a position of victimization where I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards the other person, inferior towards aggravation and inferior to fear and anxiety – where I decided that these energetic charges were ‘more than’ me and that I could not handle standing in the face of them and within that made the decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ to avoid future scenarios where I would be faced with aggravation or other forms of conflict/friction and fear & anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me being a timid and shy person was not something which just ‘happened’ to me – but a deliberate decision I made in favour of avoiding fear, anxiety and conflict/friction over valuing self-expression – and within the moment of deciding ‘that it is better not to speak’ and ‘surrendering’ to energy as fear, anxiety, aggravation have made this point a reality for myself – where from then on I experienced myself as a ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ person without effectively understanding how I manifested this for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the moment where I made the decision that ‘it is better not to speak/express’ – have from then on integrated this point to a level of automation – where whenever I was faced with a situation of conflict or even just possible conflict – have experienced myself as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ – without seemingly understanding how this experience comes about as if it just ‘happens’ to me and I have ‘no control’ over it and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ in the face of (possible) conflict/friction as an automated response pattern was in fact a pattern I brought into being as myself within having made the decision ‘that it is better not to speak’ and within that effectively made that decision my reality
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