Friday, 14 December 2012

Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of investigating my experience within having taken my father’s reaction personal in relation to me playing around on the pc and then breaking this – have gone into ‘shut down’ mode where I don’t consider anything but my experience as energy as fear and anxiety and where within this close-mindedness I made the decision that playing around on the pc and exploring things is best done in secret / in a way that will not be obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was forced to take the route of ‘playing in secret’ on the pc because of fear that my father would react ‘badly’ again where I would end up feeling miserable – where instead of tackling the point within myself and actually dealing with it I decided to see how I can ‘minimize’ the point through avoidance/circumvention where instead of changing myself and my behaviour I merely ‘mutated’ it by playing around when my father was not around and not telling him if something happened so that it could have been ‘anyone’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to deal with this situation where my father would get angry if I messed things up on the pc during my ‘playtime’ was through doing it in secret and sometimes promising myself that I would simply NEVER EVER touch the pc again to avoid such situations at ALL COST where I believed that I will just ‘give up’ this point of exploration if it meant not having to face conflict/friction – going into the opposite polarity which is again: not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was faced with my father being angry at me having messed things up on the pc after my ‘play time’ and experiencing inner turmoil in relation to my father’s anger – have immediately looked at how I can change my behaviour in terms of avoiding conflict where I believed that what must change is my external environment and where I completely disregarded the issue as my inner experience as turmoil within fear and anxiety – where I did not once asked myself : ‘wait, why am I experiencing myself this way? Do I have to experience myself this way? This experience is within me, can’t I just change it?’ but instead manipulated my movement to secrecy in order to avoid inner conflict in the face of outer conflict, which meant that the conflict was still within me, all it needed was the right trigger – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I remove the trigger to particular experiences inside myself as fear/anxiety in relation to anger outbursts – that my problem is ‘fixed’ – not seeing and realising that the trigger was never the problem but the experience which was already pre-existent within and as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to besides taking on my inner experience, to also not have looked at how I could approach playing around on the pc without creating damage due to ignorance on my part where I did not yet completely understand what consequences are created through particular actions on a pc – where I absolutely wanted to discover things through ‘trial and error’ without first doing my homework as in reading up about computers and how these things work as other people have already investigated pcs and what is the best way to do particular things to get a particular result – or asking someone to show me around, as this would have saved me lots of breaking and screwing up things at the expense of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to go and play around on the pc without getting some background first, where I believed it was unfair for my father to get angry at me when things would break/malfunction within the pc because I believed that I was not doing anything ‘wrong’ as I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond myself and my own experience and only wanted to have ‘fun’ without taking into consideration how my version of ‘fun’ could create damage to others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that such events were never about ‘me’ and ‘my self-expression’ where I believed such incidents to be indicators that I am ‘not good enough’ and that ‘I should hide’ – where these points were my own interpretation of the events which I decided on and brought into being/reality through my belief/participation within them – and where I failed to look beyond my limited existence and realise that it’s not all about me and that I did not yet take everything into consideration and was creating unnecessary consequence for myself and others, where instead of addressing my attitude, I attempted to address my environment leaving everything unchanged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since my father was reacting in anger and I was reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – that because of the nature of the energy he was expressing as ‘anger’ I believed that he must be wrong and that I was right because I was crying, which makes him the ‘bad guy’ and me the ‘poor girl’– where just because I believed anger to be ‘wrong’ I did not look at whether at some level or another he has a point, but immediately went into self-victimization and self-righteousness
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