Saturday, 8 December 2012

Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot handle/stand in the face of energy – where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that energy is ‘more than’ and ‘bigger’ than me and that I do not have the power to direct such a ‘force’ and that the only thing I can do is to either ‘go with it’ or avoid it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘less than’ and ‘smaller’ than energy within myself and others – not seeing and realising that it is us human beings animating this energy and being the creators of energy as friction within ourselves and that consequently we should be perfectly able to direct such manifestations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created/scripted a pattern of automation within and for myself where I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an ‘if this then that’ reaction within the nature of ‘if faced with friction/conflict’ and/or ‘when anticipating friction/conflict’ – ‘then go into fear and anxiety’ and ‘avoid situation at all cost’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have scripted/patterned myself in a way where I react to one type of energetic manifestation with another form of energetic manifestation – where I will react to aggravation/anger and other forms of conflict/friction energies within the energetic reaction of fear and anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that energy is ‘bigger’ than me where in the moment where I faced with another person being aggravated with something I said – I perceived the aggravation emanating out of the person as ‘taking over’ – where it did not even matter what the being said and whether or not it made sense or not – but where I immediately placed the energy of aggravation as being forceful into a position of authority – where all that mattered in that moment was the energy within the scene that was playing out and where within not understanding where this energy as aggravation all of the sudden came from – shut down within myself and isolate myself from what was happening around me, and in shock/petrification/fear and anxiety decided that I do not want to go through such an experience/scenario ever again and that I ought to avoid these type of situations at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of seeing and experiencing the energy as aggravation coming from the other person as a reaction to something I said – have separated myself from that energy within placing it above me and in an authoritative position and within separation reacted within fear and anxiety – not seeing and realising how the other person’s energetic reaction as aggravation and my energetic reaction as fear and anxiety locked-in together and fed one another – where my experience of fear and anxiety was confirming the other’s aggravation and validating it, and where the person’s aggravation was confirming and validating my experience of fear and anxiety – where these two energies as reactions came together and within their blind acceptance and allowance permitted the other to exist and within that sustain one another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was faced with another being aggravated towards something I said – have opted for reaction to a reaction – where I accepted and allowed myself to react to another the same way the other reacted to me (regardless of the type of reaction) – and within doing so confirmed that such scenarios where people are limited and diminished to being reactive robots is ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ – and accepted this as what communication/interaction consists of between people and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment have ‘surrendered’ myself to the belief that we live in a reactive world as the only possible version/option of how we humans can interact with one another and that the only thing ‘left to do’ is to strategically avoid certain types of reactions as negative reactions such as conflict/friction and seek out positive reactions – as within controlling and managing one’s input through controlling one’s environment one is able to control/manage one’s inner reality as the reactions that get ignited within self and then believe this to be a solution – not seeing and realising that we are only circumventing the problem as the reactive nature we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to live by – where selective avoidance and seeking out is merely a coping mechanism to manage one’s inner reality without having to effectively deal and sort out / correct one’s inner reality and reality at large as the very mechanics/rules/laws we live by – where instead of living a life of enjoyment and expression we are living a life of fear, compromise, coping, survival and regret – in short: a life unlived
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