Saturday, 8 December 2012

Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between ‘speaking’ and ‘conflict/friction’ – where I believe that the one always follows the other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed speaking in function of conflict/friction – where me speaking or not speaking will not depend on myself as what I want to express but is conditioned/linked-to the prospect of conflict/friction – where if there is a possibility for conflict/friction I will refrain from speaking and if I see no such prospect then I will speak and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that no self-expression exists within this as my responses are calculated, programmed and predictable according to the variables in place in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put my life in service of energy/reactions – where all I ever do is manage my reactions and try to manage my environment to attain preferable/favourable reactions/energies within myself – where in the end there is no ‘me’ to speak of – as all I ever do is react in a programmable, predictable way – where ‘who I am’ as who I believe myself to be as a ‘person’ and a ‘being’ that is alive is just a joke as all I exist as is software running with no substance whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on life and common sense in favour of avoiding conflict/friction so that I could avoid conflict/friction within myself – not seeing and realising that within this one singular point All is compromised completely – as when it comes down to making decisions about things that matter, I will always follow the path of energy and disregard Life – as this is what I decided and programmed/scripted within myself within not speaking if there is a prospect/possibility for conflict/friction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energy as conflict/friction and within that made a deal within myself that it is totally okay and justifiable to do things when they get me to avoid conflict/friction -- no matter what the consequences or repercussions are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value/prioritize energy over expression where I will accept and allow myself to compromise if it means that I may have possible avoided conflict/friction – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise what such agreements within myself manifest within myself as the relationship I have towards myself where I basically state within living out such patterns that I am okay with compromising and betraying myself as long as I can get away from conflict/friction and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within doing so that there is no point to Life because I have given away all my power and have accepted and allowed myself to have become a pinball being thrown around and will just function and act according to whatever inputs are given to me


Being on the farm this point has still been haunting me a lot if not daily. I truly believed that this would be a point that I would just have to ‘live with’ as something I would never be able to walk through/go beyond. But working with people here on the farm and working with animals (especially my horse) and in the end: working with myself – I’ve slowly but surely started to see that I don’t have to react within fear to conflict/friction. This is a really big point for me, but day by day, little by little, push by push I would start finding myself in situations of conflict/friction where it would be playing out right in front of me – and where I would just be here, stable and see how I could be able to direct this point. And then as it happened, I go “Oh my god – it’s just not there, it’s just gone – I can actually experience myself this way? Calm? Stable? This is amazing!!!!!”. And it is really a wonderful experience to be able to stand in situation where you’ve known yourself to have failed your WHOLE Life – and then, in just a small moment, you notice you’ve changed and that you do not have to be that limited version of yourself – that you never had to be that version of yourself. And it’s like ‘Ah’ – such a relief.

We get so brainwashed by our own beliefs of who we think we are and what we can handle, that we do not even try anymore to go beyond what we know/believe ourselves to be. And it’s such a pity, because we just waste our whole life away living out patterns and reactions that we created throughout children, just over and over and over and over and over again until your dead. That’s not freedom, that’s not free will – that’s entrapment.

If you are reading this and you find that you are not satisfied with who you are because of stupid fears and beliefs that hold you back from becoming the best possible version that you can be: definitely check out the Desteni I Process Lite and the Desteni Forum to step by step find out what it is that you’ve accepted and allowed yourself to become, and to slowly but surely push those limitations and boundaries until they shatter. Because who we are now and currently exist as, is only limitation – we do not have the slightest idea ‘who we are’ – so it’s time to get rid of these limitations and find out what’s underneath all that garbage.
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