Thursday, 6 December 2012

Day 131: Timidity

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back

So, the first thing to do within looking at this pattern of ‘holding back’, is to look where it came from. So it’s inherently a fear-based point, where it’s almost like a form social anxiety or phobia

I can see this point extending through pretty much my entire life, where I’ve always been very timid around other people and would always be very reserved around others until I got to know them better. Obviously, I wasn’t born this way which indicates that this pattern must have originated within a family environment as being the predominant point of input within a child’s life (as remember this fear point within ages of 3-5 years of age) in the early stages of development.

Looking at this point, two memories come up.

One is of us watching the movie ‘Matilda’ at home, based on Roald Dahl’s book. At some stage, the father is busy sabotaging a car that he is going to sell, where Matilda tells him that it’s crooked and where the dad says “Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it.” When watching that scene and hearing those words – that point really hit me, especially in relation to my own father and other family members to a lesser extent. A statement as explicit in the movie was never really mentioned as far as I can remember, but when watching the scene it ‘hit me’ that this was the type of stuff that would go on at times where I would ask something or share stuff and would get a respond that I couldn’t really place and would be puzzled about it – where I knew something was ‘off’ but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was.

The second memory is more of a ‘general’ memory as a point that would occur quite regularly. At home when I was small we mostly had one computer which everyone would share. I was very curious about computers and wanted to know more about them, so I would play around on the pc. I would check out the programs, click around to see what happens and this is basically how I taught myself to work with computers. Obviously, this method is not without making mistakes – as I was completely ignorant on how pc’s worked and was exploring through ‘click and see what happens’, which is like going through ‘trial and error’ – the computer would often end up going through some problems, showing me where I made a mistake. I didn’t know how to solve these problems so I would leave the pc and my dad would later come home and either I would quietly tell him or he would find out by himself – upon which he would get REALLY angry, as he’s very much into computers like they are his babies and there’s also the whole point of money involved where he was scared that I would break the pc to a point where he couldn’t fix it himself and would have to buy new parts. Trying out stuff on the pc was something I really enjoyed doing and exploring and is one of the reasons why I am currently quite handy with pcs. So after a few of my father’s outbreaks, I would start doing my little explorations in secret and in fear – out of fear that he would find out, get angry and lash out on me. So this is one of the points where I decided that I should keep things like this that I enjoyed doing/exploring to myself as I had connected a negative outcome to doing this type of things.

To be continued…

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