Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Day 130: Holding Myself Back

I noticed an interesting little behavioral pattern of mine the other day. I was sitting with another discussing things, where I saw a point that I wanted to share – but where instead of simply immediately speaking and sharing here, in the moment – I first held back and kind of ‘buzzed’ inside myself as I went back and forth between ‘should I or shouldn’t I’. I then ended up speaking (though it was more like a mumble and had to repeat myself), and right after I was done I would instinctively move the scarf up that I was wearing, so that it was covering my mouth.

This action was quite clear in its ‘symbolism’ (don’t know if it’s really ‘symbolism’, since it’s pretty straight forward), where I was literally ‘gagging myself’ with my scarf – where I doubted saying something, said it, and then gagged myself in way saying ‘ok shut up now’.

So I took note of this point to work on later, as this was quite interesting.

Then later, I was working on my pc trying to figure out how to best do something. As I was looking at it I had an idea, and right away I moved my scarf up over my mouth. I noticed what I did since I had just seen it previously in the conversation I had, but this time there was no-one else in the room to talk to, and yet I was ‘gagging myself’ – which I found to be a bit awkward. Looking at it now, in terms of how I experienced myself in the conversation and how I experienced myself working on my pc – the scarf covering thing starts making sense.

While in the conversation when I would see a point I wanted to share, it’s like this ‘bubbly’ feeling inside my chest, like a little fountain squirting water that would occur – and instead of flowing with it I would stop and doubt and then ‘mumble share it’ and quickly cover my mouth as if I had already regretted speaking. While working on the pc and seeing how I could do something from a particular angle, that same ‘bubbly’/’fountainy’ experience would come up – where I immediately became insecure about what I wanted to do / being not sure about it and cover my mouth with the scarf. So it was interesting to see that even though within the pc scenario there was no speaking involved, the same pattern occurred indicating that it’s just a general point in relation to self-expression and not just speaking (which I thought it was after the conversation I had).


So within the next few blogs I want to work on this point of how I immediately hold back and kind of make myself ‘crawl back’ inside myself in relation to expression and just who I am in general as this is a point that seems to always be present in whatever I do, and most of the time. And to then also further identify other ways within which this point comes through because I’ve noticed that it doesn’t so much come through in thoughts so it’s harder to catch, where it just kind of ‘happens’ and I ‘slip’ into it, where it’s predominantly a point that comes through within how I hold myself physically and what movements I make (such as the scarf) and has like a ‘low profile’ energy experience being coupled to it. It’s basically like a quiet program running in the background the whole time, just slightly buzzing so I can only pick up on it if I really slow myself down and breathe.
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