Day 99: Stress Management - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 98: Stress Management

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively -- where within moments of my day I will allow myself to go into my mind as backchat, ideas, opinions, beliefs, judgments about my day, my schedule and my tasks -- whereby instead of being here within and as breath -- I allow myself to access alternate dimensions with energetic charges and impose them unto me and my day/tasks/schedule -- where when I find myself dealing with a particular task/point, I am not really dealing with the task/point at hand -- but instead allow myself to veer off into the dimensions of my mind where I have created an idea about what I am doing, which then creates friction as energy within me which I then accept and allow myself to be influenced by in terms of accumulating stress and/or changing my behaviour in accordance to the ideas/beliefs/judgments I accessed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe effectively within my day -- where I allow moments/gaps within my day where I go and look at my schedule from the starting point of 'choice' where I believe that I could be doing other things which I like more -- and then contrast my experience of what I am doing / what I am going to be doing with the experience of what I would rather be doing and within that put downward pressure on myself within believing that I am in an unfavourable position and have to 'struggle my way through' -- without seeing and realising that I am creating the experience of struggle/stress within contrasting/comparing experiences of the different things I could be doing -- where these experiences aren't even real in terms of being directly implied by the task -- but experiences I have made up in my mind where I decided that 'with this task goes this experience' and within that creating unfavourable conditions for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my schedule and classify each point within a segment of 'what I want to do' and 'what I don't want to do' -- where I still move myself to go through my schedule regardless of my judgment/energetic experience linked towards what I do -- but wherein not having addressed my judgment/backchat about the point I am dealing with -- I go into a point of 'opportunity cost', where I experience a sense of 'sacrifice' within doing what I have to do and foregoing what I would rather be doing -- not seeing and realising that I am within that participating within the delusion of choice -- not seeing and realising that there is no choice involved and that I will be doing what requires to be done regardless of my preference as likes and dislikes -- and so I might as well get over with it and not distract myself with such 'dreams'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I find myself experience a point of 'struggle' or 'stress' in relation to my schedule/tasks at hand -- to immediately go into the point of "it must be my schedule which is the problem" -- without for a moment assessing who I am in relation to my schedule and see what I can change there, for me to able to work with my schedule effectively within my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow experiences to accumulate, where within day upon day accessing particular views/opinions about my schedule, I am adding one more layer of stress within myself -- where when the point comes of 'wanting to explode' -- it is already too late, indicating that I have missed many breaths and not effectively evaluated and corrected my self-application within my day within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into dimensions of what I 'rather would be doing' and waste my time there -- instead of moving through the schedule I have layed out for myself within seeing/realising that this is what requires to be done and is the only way I am able to address all the points which require addressing within my day -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have looked at those tasks in my day which require attention every single day without exception -- where I should have identified any point of backchat/judgment about these points a long time ago and have addressed them within seeing/realising that this is what I will be doing every single day, over and over until it is done -- and that there is thus no point to judge it or make something 'bad' about it -- as I then only place myself in a precarious position of having to deal with this negative energy everyday which is commonsensically going to accumulate if I do not address it from the get go

Related articles

• Day 98: Stress Management
• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Character Dimensions - BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 58: Reasoning as Self-Sabotage

Day 98: Stress Management

Today I experienced quite a bit of stress. I recently entered my exam period and I've had to change/adapt my schedule to be more strict to make sure that I still get to everything.

Two exams have passed now and I had to put some things aside so I could focus on the last two exams, which were quite close to one another -- and now that they were over I wanted to catch up on things.

Yesterday after my exam I experienced myself 'crashing down' -- where it felt like I had been holding myself together for the last period of time in order to just get everything done and get these exams over with -- and now that they were done I just kind of 'collapsed' and crashed.

Then today I woke up with a headache, and saw that lots of things needed to be done in the house and that I had tasks to catch up with. Upon waking up with the headache and seeing all the things that I had to be done I went into a mode of 'Oh no, I'm never going to be able to finish everything today'. Also with the new birdie that we're taking care of, she's not yet eating by herself and so she's dependent on us feeding her. Gian works outside a lot and then I take care of the bird while I am inside the house / in our room. The bird is hungry almost all the time and will scream/cry for food almost every 15 minutes -- and will also scream just for the sake of screaming as this is something these type of birds like to do.

So then today I was having my headache, and I was sitting infront of my pc catching up on things and I couldn't concentrate very well because of the headache, the parrots were playing quite loudly and the birdie was screaming/crying the whole time and then the drivers from my screen started to act out, causing the document that I was busy working on to shift from side to side the whole time, which made it difficult to read and was throwing me off focus -- all in all, the pressure was building up inside me as I was having to tend to a variety of points and I felt like I was going to explode.

So then I stopped, because I saw I'd been here before, especially in terms of reacting to loud noises and screaming and just told myself to breathe. Then while we were busy doing horses I made sure to pay attention to my breathing and just being here with the movements of my body and not allow myself to go into my mind where I'd go and think/worry about all the points which were still lined up for the day.

I then went into a form of anxiety but sorted that out pretty soon and then just felt my whole body vibrating, feeling lots of accumulated energy being released -- and then my headache went away just like that (but would later also come back if I wasn't breathing lol).

So then later in the evening I was looking at this experience and I thought it had to do with not being able to cope/deal with my schedule -- but I saw that there was something 'off' about this interpretation so I decided to lay out some Osho cards to get some additional perspective.

It was quite interesting as I layed the cards specifically in terms of the point of stress I experienced today, and it's always cool to see how completely specific a card lay-out can be -- as the card in the seventh position of the 'celtic cross' (which is the general format I use to lay cards) had the 'Stress' card in position -- and the 7th position specifically represents the point of 'who you are' or 'how you experience yourself' within the issue you are facing -- so yup, quite specific.

I imagined that the reading would give some additional perspective on how to deal with my schedule -- but then as I was looking at the formation and the cards I could see I got the point wrong all along. The point had never been my schedule, my schedule was quite cool -- there's a lot of points in a day that require addressing but there is also sufficient time to address them and so far I've gotten to most of the things I have to and want to do which I am quite satisfied with. The only thing that basically bothers me is my experience of myself within my schedule -- which is the point of 'stressful' where I interpret my schedule to be hectic while it isn't all that bad.

The 9th card in the formation is supposed to represent the one's denials/desires in relation to the issue -- and the 10th card the key/outcome. For the 9th card I had the 'possibilities' card and for the 10th one I had 'the dream'.

As I saw the cards and the general layout of the formation and the cards within it, it was clear in one moment what was actually going on: it was not so much my actual schedule that was the problem, but it was the point of 'choice' (=possibilities card) with which I was fucking myself over with. Where I see what needs to be done and what I have to do -- but instead of moving myself to simply take on point by point, starting with one, taking it to completion and moving on to the next -- I would look at all the points that were layed for the rest of the day and kind of go "Pfft, look at all these things I still need to do, I'm not really feeling up to it" and start working on them within a disgruntled state of mind, kind of nagging myself a long as I go through all the points/tasks.

So what I wasn't considering within this point as the experience of stress within the context of my schedule -- was that such an experience/attitude could only exist if I was participating in 'choice' as 'all the other things I would rather be doing than what's lined up in my schedule' where I had accepted and allowed myself to assign a negative value/charge to the things I still had to do and a positive charge/value to the things I wanted to do (the point of want being 'the dream' card -- where I dream/look at what I'd rather be doing).

So within that, a friction was generated between these points as the negative of what was lined up and the positive as what I would be 'missing out' on.

It's quite interesting, there's actually an economic term for this: "opportunity cost" where the cost of something is not just the monetary factor of something but the also the personal/subjective value one has assigned to 'the next best thing one could have been doing with their money'. Where if translated to my situation, I was while working and doing my tasks, constantly experiencing the point of 'opportunity cost' as a form of 'sacrifice' where I was 'giving up' on things in order to be able to move through what required to be done. Where what I am doing and what I want to be doing results into friction because of its polarized nature which manifested into an experience of stress, which I wrongfully blamed on the design/structure/layout of my schedule and 'not having enough time' -- instead of looking at 'who I am' within my schedule -- and sorting that out.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow...

Related articles

• Day 75: What do I feel like doing? - Part 3
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds
• Day 74: What do I feel like doing? - Part 2
• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Day 47: Studying and Fear

Also check out Maya's blogs on TIME

Day 15: Self as Creator - Fear and Me - Part 5

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to stop fear within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from fear within not trusting myself to stop fear as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I create fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as the creator of fear within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal to my creation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fear is self-induced

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this implies that I can direct fear as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my creation as fear within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame outside/external sources and circumstances for me creating fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have taken the point back to myself and take responsibility for what I accept and allow within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and stop fear through thoughts

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that trying to stop the mind through the mind doesn't work

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand by and trust in breath -- here, in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that breath is the only stable point within life and it is the only common sense point to stick to within living life

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the physical and breath

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is the physical which is going to support me within stopping myself as the mind as fear and not the mind lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one day, the fear within and as me is not just going vanish just like that -- as it took a process of habitual conditioning and accumulation over time to integrate the fear within and as me and connect it to all the various trigger points which I accepted and allowed to exist within myself -- and thus it is going to take time through accumulation within daily application and consistency to disintegrate the fear within and as me and replace it with practical common sense consideration within what is Best for All Life

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I imposed this affliction unto myself within a process of creation and that it is thus going to take an equal process of creation to re-create myself in a way that is Best for All

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is up to me to face my fears, day by day, breath by breath until it's done

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there are no quick fixes -- as this would be cheating and not taking full self-responsibility for one's creation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I will be facing fear over and over again -- each time being faced with a test and that it is up to me to work through it each and every single time -- to prove to myself in fact that I can stand -- which should not be a problem, since if I can work through it once, I can work through it and face it no matter how many times it comes up -- within self-trust


When and as I see myself experiencing fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that breath and my physical body are here to assist me in grounding the energy I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as -- and thus I utilize breath to ground myself and allow the energy to flow out of my body into the Earth

When and as I see myself being discouraged and having thoughts like "What? Fear again?!" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that a creation process within time accumulation and consistency took place to create and embed this fear within and as me -- and it is thus going to take an equal process of creation to disintegrate the fear within and as me -- and within that I commit myself to be patient with myself and stand by breath -- moment by moment -- until it is done

When and as I see myself panicking in the face of fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am in fact the creator which means that I am the directive principle allowing fear to roam free within me -- and that this same directive principle as myself can thus cease fear as well

I commit myself to do what it takes to undo the mess we've created within this world within the consideration that it took time to create this mess and that it is thus also going to take time to clean it up

I commit myself to move myself to do whatever it takes to get over this mess once and for all -- no matter how long it takes

I commit myself to stand by breath and my physical body and to assist and support my physical body the same way as it assists and supports me

Day 5: Give me Something to Break!

Today I had a chat scheduled with one of my buddies. While I was busy chatting with my buddy my internet would "drop" and I would get kicked out of the chat program. It would then take 10-15 min to get "high" again and then I could chat for a minute or five until the internet went low again.  At first I was "okay" with it, I was a bit irritated but I told myself to wait it out. Then when it kept on dropping again and again and it would take longer and longer to get back up -- I got really pissed off. I had a bowl of oats in front of me and I started stabbing the bowl with my spoon, with the intention of breaking it. I had all this built up energy and I just wanted to get it out. I stopped stabbing the bowl after a few stabs because I saw that it would be pretty useless to break the bowl. I'd then have crappy internet and a broken bowl whereas before I would only have crappy internet lol.

Then I took a deep breath, looked at the situation and saw there wasn't much I could do so I sent my buddy an email to reschedule.

When I was looking at this event a bit earlier, a memory popped up from when my guinea pig died (again lol). When he died we were trying to look for an address of a vet on the internet. Back then we had an internet modem and the internet would tap into the phone line and it was pretty crappy . The modem made these crappy sounds and had little flashing lights. All I knew was that when all the lights were on, that it meant that the internet was on and that it was at (back then) a high speed. So I sat there with my guinea pig in my arms, wrapped in a towel sitting on a little chair next to my mom who was going to run the search. I just sat there staring at the modem and the flashing lights and looking at my guinea pig dying in my arms . In my head I was begging the internet/modem to work so we could find a fucking vet and save his life. I think I even ended up praying to God and Jesus -- anything that would make the freaking internet work. It took forever and I remember telling the modem in my head that it was going to be its fault if the guinea pig dies and I will never forgive the modem if this happens. We eventually got the address, but we didn't have the car available so we had to go by foot and it was going to be about a half hour walk. Seven minutes into the walk I opened the box where my guinea pig was in and I saw that he was already dead. I was really angry and kept on blaming that freaking modem in my head.

Afterwards, every time I would see the modem I would give it  my "evil" look to make sure that it knew that it was its fault lol. And I tried to avoid seeing it because it would bring the memory back up again.

So this is one of the points that I can see that led to this event.

The other point that I can see and which I think is more "prominently" responsible for what happened is the point of accumulation effect. Where I during my day will get slightly upset at something / someone but not say anything as to not create conflict and then instead of expressing the point I will hold on to it inside myself and "express" it as backchat within. All these little points then accumulate to an event where something's not working out -- like the internet -- and then I will use this event as an opportunity to "let go" and "release" myself from all this built up energy. Poor bowl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally reactive when my internet is not stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the internet for how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the internet for me wanting to break something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am responsible for getting angry and wanting to break something -- the internet was just doing what it does and had nothing to do with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is justified to get angry at the internet when it is not stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start swearing inside my head and out loud at the internet -- which only makes the experience of myself worse and does nothing whatsoever to actually change the situation for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to break stuff when I am angry

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the impulse of "I want to break stuff"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I want to hurt and break an innocent bystander such as my bowl of outs that there must be something seriously wrong with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise the common sense simplicity that breaking something is not going to fix the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the "situation" is the problem and that it is the "situation" that needs "fixing"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is me who is the problem and how I allow myself to experience myself within a particular situation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the common sensical truth within the observation of myself wanting to break something because apparently the "situation" isn't behaving the way that "it should" according to me -- that obviously nothing's wrong with the situation but everything's wrong with me!

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that wanting to break stuff isn't a helpful response to a perceived unfavourable situation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop for a moment within my impulse of rage and wanting to break shit and asking myself: Why am I doing this?

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I experience a 'burst' of energy -- that this means that this energy must come from somewhere -- and that I should find out how it got to be all piled up inside myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I get angry and want to break stuff that I am not necessarily actually being angry at the situation that I am currently in -- but that I am using this situation as an opportunity to release much suppressed and compressed energies which have been accumulating over time through not speaking and allowing back chat to take over.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to speak when I disagree with something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to say something when I see that something's out of place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pointing something out to another out of fear of conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of speaking and communicating -- hold back and suppress the point inside myself -- where it will sit and fester in the back of my mind until I eventually find myself in a situation where I "burst" to let all of this undirected energy out -- which is not a solution as I am only temporarily "releasing" myself to prepare myself to carry around the next load of points until I burst again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict because I fear that the person I am speaking to will disagree and argue and I fear that I will not be able to give a proper response and within that will appear as "not having a point" and that I will end up just giving up and not argue to get my point through because I believe that it is useless and that the other person won't budge from their point of view

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pointing something out to someone because of fear of conflict whereby I anticipate that the other person will not allow me time to formulate a proper response and whereby I anticipate an experience of embarrassment and humiliation inside myself  -- and where I within the anticipation of all those experiences simply tell myself to "not go there" as I don't want to experience myself that way (not that I will be experiencing myself that way, it's only how I think I will experience myself and how I think that the other person will behave -- in reality I really have no idea of what's going to happen) -- and where as a result I will simply supress and bury the point inside myself and let it sit there. And then later I allow myself to go over the point over and over again and start getting angry at the other person for whatever it was that I saw while the only person I'm supposed to be angry at is myself for not expressing myself and utilizing the opportunity I had to change the point. I have no right to be angry at the other as I allowed that person to behave the way he or she did through not speaking up.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to then allow all these "little" points to accumulate inside myself over time -- not giving them direction through self-forgiveness and self-correction -- whereby the points just grow bigger and bigger until I cannot contain it any longer and I burst out in a completely unrelated event where I see it as "safe" to burst out -- such as bursting out towards the internet, my keyboard, pc as I know that they can't start an argument and debate with me -- I can simply scream, shout and hit stuff without these inanimate objects being able to respond to my tantrum.

When and as I see myself getting angry and wanting to break shit -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that what I am doing is destructive and does not assist and support me in anyway whatsoever. Instead I investigate why I want to break stuff: where in my reality have I allowed myself to accumulate points of discontent without communicating about them and allowing them to fester inside myself? Once I have identified the points I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in order to script the way before me to assist and support me in breaking this pattern and assisting myself with correcting myself within those points where I compromise.

When and as I see myself blaming "the situation" for how I experience myself -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am in fact abdicating my responsibility by projecting the cause of my experience unto my environment -- instead of seeing and realising that the cause was already existent within and as me and that the environment was simply functioning as a trigger to activate the point.

When and as I see a point that I would like to express towards someone and I start feeling anxiety, resistance and like a slight restriction of the chest coming up -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am accessing an ingrained behavioural pattern whereby I immediately see the situation as an argument/competition whereby I assume myself to already be the loser and within that not wanting to go through the losing experience thus I withhold myself from participating or starting a conversation in order to avoid such an experience of inferiority, loss and defeat. Within that -- I see and realise that I have actually already placed myself in a position of defeat by giving up before I have even tried and this this behavioural pattern does not assist and support me in my process of self-expansion.

I commit myself to investigate myself in every moment of emotional outbursts in order to identify where this outburst came from and how it ended up being accumulated to this point -- so that I may step outside my accepted and allowed energy limitations and direct myself instead of being energy-driven

I commit myself to the establishment of a world and a world system that is best for all where breaking things because you're angry is not considered "normal" and "good therapy" as a way to cope with your life -- but where a support structure is in place where one is assisted and supported to find the roots of one's anger problems so that they may change their life for the better and not have to be a slave to these experience of anger

I'll go into the guinea pig memory next blog post.