Saturday, 15 September 2012

Day 51: Shocking Sounds

From time to time the Parrots in our room like to play quite ‘rough’ with their toys, where they go and charge them full-on and within that make lots of screaming and screeching noises.

Their cages are about two meters away from my desk where I do most of my computer related tasks. I noticed that I would start working on my computer being quite relaxed, and that as the Parrots would start playing and screaming my body would tense up and after a while I would actually find myself being stressed out, and every little sound or thing that doesn’t go ‘smoothly’ creates like these bursts of irritation/annoyance – and at the same time I’d experience an anxiety build-up inside myself. I’d then either start getting angry at the computer / parrots for being loud/not cooperating – but this would only further establish my distress.

So basically what would happen is that I’d be busy working on my PC – the Parrots would start screaming – I’d react and do nothing about it while being ‘immersed’ with whatever it is I am doing / trying to ignore them – and with each consecutive scream, my body literally gets like a ‘buzz’ where I go BZZZT! And then another layer of reaction is added as anxiety/stress  – and so it goes on / accumulates until my entire body is buzzing and I feel completely distressed/edgy/anxious and burst out. Obviously when I shout at the parrots to stop screaming – they just stop for a moment, look at me with these eyes saying ‘… and your point is…?’ – and then get right back to playing/screaming lol.Which is really great because they're just showing how ridiculous my behaviour is and don't see any reason to support my tantrum.

I’ve been practicing not getting all reactive when the parrots start shouting because really – they’re not doing anything wrong, they’re parrots, they like to play with sounds – screaming being one of them – can’t blame a parrot for being a parrot. But it’s not yet completely effective – meaning I know what’s happening but within that my experience isn’t changing (but at least I am not acting upon the experience within getting angry/shouting because there’s really no point to it). It’s quite interesting because I have seen this point for a while now but dismissed it as ‘not that big of a deal’ and ‘not important’. But today when they were having another one of their play-rounds, the experience welled up again and this time I went: Fuck it, I have to look at this no matter how “small” or seemingly “unimportant” I find this point to be – the fact that something happens in my environment and me reacting to it is really all the reason I need to investigate the nature of this event and address it – it’s got to go and that's what I'm gonna do with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application.

With the blogs to follow I am going to untangle what exactly the sounds of the Parrots are triggering and assist/support myself to disconnect these connections so that I can be here and simply work and enjoy the presence of the Parrots in all their grandeur – and within that I am grateful to the parrots pushing my buttons within such a simple point, which once again emphasizes the extent that we’ve fucked ourselves over, where we can’t even just be here without creating /interpreting what goes on in our world and how far we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become removed from reality.

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