Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Day 42: Why?

I've been looking at how I created a relationship of victimization within and towards my human physical body, where whenever something 'bad' would happen like a cut, a scrape, a fall, a bruise, an injury, disease, pain etc - I would be overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness and helplessness and asking myself 'Why? Why is this happening to me?'. I'd instantaneously become very emotional and cry (although as I got older I'd start to suppress the crying more and more because I didn't want to be seen as 'weak'). Now it doesn't come up as prominent anymore until someone will for instance ask me 'Are you alright?' and then this whole wave of emotions would 'wash over me' and with it the tears would start welling up in my eyes and I go 'WTF, What is this experience? Why is this here?'. The experience is hard to describe because I never really looked at it before, as I just saw it as one of my weird annoying 'quirks' which would pop up from time to time but I never bothered to question it because I thought it was simply a 'part of who I am'. The experience is something like a lostness, confusing like just not knowing why all these bad things happen to me and my body and why these experience exist (pain, discomfort). Then later, when I looked at it again a memory popped up from when I was in my first year of 'kindergarten' (where I went to school you had three years of kindergarten, starting from 2-3 years old until you're 6 or something and then you start your first year in primary school) and both kindergarten and the primary school grades were situated in the same school. So on the playground you had kids from ages 2 to 12 roaming around. I was one of the youngest.

One day I was walking around on my own just exploring, not really 'doing' anything or having any 'game' or 'purpose' that I was walking around with, and then at some point I stood still and looked at one of the concrete tiles (the playground consisted mostly of a concrete tiled flat space (and the tiles were like very rough, grainy) with a small part with sand and some trees and jungle gyms), and then out of nowhere I saw this boy from the 6th grade (so one of the eldest) stand behind me and he was looking somewhere very focussed into the distance, and it looked like he wanted to get wherever it was where he was looking and I saw his body moving into action to 'get there' but then he noticed from the corner of his eye that this little toddler - me - was in the way of his body already moving into the opposite direction of the playground and then he quickly shoved me out of the way and sprinted to wherever he was going. When I look at it now it's clear that he was obviously playing a game with his friends that he got really involved in that when he saw I was in the way he just wanted to get this 'obstruction' out of the way so he can keep in the loop of the game with his friends.

For me in that moment I had NO idea what was going on and I was just completely in shock. As I write it out, it all sounds like it was moving quite slow but me seeing him to the point where I hit the ground all happened in less than a second. I landed on the concrete tiles with my knees (I mean, what a stupid idea to have a playground made out of concrete tiles? Kids fall on it all the time) and this intense pain shocked through my body. I moved myself over a bit, still on the ground and saw that my pants had a dark red stain by my one knee and it felt wet. I cried and I cried. The teacher who takes care of us 'little ones' found me and took me inside. I was in pain, crying, confused and I was looking for some answers. Why did this happen? Why did the boy push me? Why am I in this pain? Why is my leg bleeding so bad? Why would someone want to inflict this on me? I don't understand!! As the teacher was walking me while holding my hand I was full of anticipation to get those questions answered. I was very small though and had little vocabulary so I didn't really say anything while walking/crying as I assumed the teacher would talk to me soon enough. When we got to our 'classroom' (can't really call it a classroom, it's a room full of toys and drawing/crafting stuff lol) we rolled up my pants to see what 'the damage' was and my whole knee was open, my leg covered in blood from knee to ankle. She then just pointed at the little toilet room, told me to take off my pants, showed I should sit down and gave me some toilet paper telling me to 'clean myself up'. She then left.
And so I sat there on the toilet in the little toilet room all alone, in my undies, in pain, bleeding with all the questions and no-one was telling me what was going on. As I started cleaning up the blood from my leg I experienced a sense of aloness, weakness, powerlessness, helplessness -- a victim-like state. As I dabbed the toilet paper on my bloody leg I started to 'toughen up' inside as I thought there was nothing I could do and there was no-one here to help me, I wasn't getting any wiser so what's the point? After a bit the teacher came back, and put some red stuff on my wound that was prickly, she gave me a different set of pants. She put my bloody pants in a plastic bag and told me I should take it home with me after school. We then walked back to the playground where she gave me a little push of 'off you go' and there I was, back on the playground like nothing ever happened. I walked back to the spot where I fell and there were blood stains on it. I remember them being there for quite a few days after the incident.

I wasn't told why the boy pushed me and the boy was never approached about it -- so I assumed that he hadn't done anything 'unacceptable' and that it was implied that it was my own fault that I ended up the way I did, that there was nothing wrong with the boy pusing me and my body getting hurt, but that it was 'me' that was wrong in general.

So now whenever I experience pain, a cut, a fall, whatever -- this whole experience gets uploaded into every cell of my body. Depending on the severity/intensity/element of surprise of the incident -- the experience will be more or less intense but it'll always be there. And although my whole tick bite fever incident was quite different from what played out in the memory, the pain and discomfor triggered the same experience.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow 

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