Sunday, 19 August 2012

Day 35: Reversing Trust

My tick bite fever has subsided now, and now my physical body is just feeling ‘weak’ from the aftermath. I’m however still sitting with some points which opened up during my period of dis-ease.

One of these points is the point of self-trust. Bernard painfully pointed out while pushing a point on my shoulder that I am not trusting myself and seeing myself as weak. This point also got reflected in a sore point where my right occipital bone is, where the point of the ‘religion of self’ resides. And then my forearm running up to my wrist and thumb was painful/stiff as this point of fear and lack of self-trust was making me ‘inflexible’.

So basically while I was sick I understood the point that one has to face disease and sickness from a starting point of self-direction and self-movement, where you direct the disease as yourself out of your body. But while I was sick, the belief persisted that I am being a victim of the disease, and that I am a victim of the tick and the bite – and that all I can do is be an ‘observer’ within this event and just sit back tight in my body and ‘wait it out’ so to speak. I mean, I understood what had to be done – but I just didn’t see myself capable of ‘being here as my body and directing the disease as myself’ because of the intense trust/ faith/ belief I have placed on reality as “I know it”, which is a reality of separation – and so this trust / faith / belief in separation got reflected in my attitude within ‘being sick’ where I allowed myself to separate myself from my body, the disease and even the tick to the vastest extent. Within placing trust in separation, I placed myself as the victim and was in fear most of the time, because I wasn’t taking self-responsibility within the realisation that I am the creator of all of this: I am the creator of the tick, I am the creator of the virus, I am the creator of the experience of sickness. And because I took this point of responsibility/creation for granted, I believed I was ‘powerless’ and couldn’t do anything – but that was only because that was the position I placed myself in within trusting reality “as I know it” – which is a very limited reality.

I’ve been shown countless times during my process, the simplicity of what needs to be done and the simplicity of HOW it is done. It’s so simple it blows your mind away, because your mind just can’t fathom that it’s that simple, and comes up with all different kinds of excuses and justifications why it just can’t be that simple so that we won’t ever change.

For instance, one evening a few years back the power had tripped for the entire evening / night, and then we held a session where everyone was in the lounge sitting by the fire, and all sorts of beings would come through the portal to share their story. One of them was Piet Retief and he explained how even after he was dead he was still chasing Zulus for hundreds of years in the dimensions – where he had re-created the battlefield and just re-lived that one singular event over and over and over. Or Satan came through explaining how he used to be just a system and how scared he was when it was announced that all systems were going to be deleted in the dimensions and how delighted he was when he found out that he was still here after the deletion took place – lol.

That evening I had a realisation and Bernard went “You! What did you just realise?!” – and I said “Really anything is possible / Nothing’s impossible” – and then Bernard was like “Yep, that’s right”. And it’s true, listening to all the interviews and all the various ways we’ve fucked ourselves into eternity just demonstrates how we can really do and create ANYTHING WE WANT. Yet, when I am faced with a point like directing disease as myself I’m like “uuuugh noooo, can’t do it – me weeeeaaaak – disease is too stroooooong – this ‘anything’s possible’ doesn’t apply to me”. I mean WTF!

So today the simplicity of things was shown to me again. Some hours after Bernard initially pushed my points, he came to check up on me and my shoulder, and the pain was still there. So then he says “What do you know, you know you can trust. Because right now, you are trusting the world, you are trusting the system. So what do you do? You take that trust and place it as trust in a New World – and that’s all there is too it, it’s really simple. You take your trust and place it somewhere else. Where you now trust separation you move your trust to a World of Equality that’s Best for All, it’s simplicity isn’t it” and all that he says while waving his hand around and having this nonchalant look on his face like what he just said is the most common sensical, obvious thing in the world that even a kindergartener can grasp lol.

So now it is up to me to take this point of realization into practical application, and to actually trust myself that I am able to change, and that I am able to move beyond this limited version I’ve accepted myself to be as all that I can ever be.

Living on the farm, your view on ‘what is possible’ really gets challenged, and over and over again you are reminded that we can be so much more. Yet whenever I would hear stories / insights on how particular beings faced/transcended/changed through points, I would always just go “oh woaw, that’s so amazing!... but that’s not something I see myself doing” or “oh woaw, that’s so great… But I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that” – so it’s like, I am seeing in front of my face that we can be anything and anyone we want to be, but I’ll just sit back and go “Nah, not me – I can’t do that” and just go on living life as a little fear robot.

So now I am taking this tick bite fever event as an opportunity to look at the beliefs and fears which played out and move myself into self-trust and into my physical – and prove / show to myself that I can change – just as everyone else can.

To be continued…
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