Monday, 13 August 2012

Day 31: Fear of Speaking - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something which I perceive is 'against the grain' of what another is saying or doing -- within the fear that they will 'come back at me' and that I will not know how to respond -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the moment of not being able to respond -- that I will be seen as small, weak and an 'embarrassment' as I am unable to 'back up' my statement and within that be seen as 'invalid' -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being reduced to 'nothing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to respond to a person's reply -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I find myself unable to formulate or come up with a response that this means that what I had to say is invalid and that this somehow means that my entire beingness/existence is invalidated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be seen as an embarrassment within the moment that I find myself unable to formulate a reply -- and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the one deciding to be an embarrassment for myself because I am the one who decided and put in place the conditions which make something/someone an 'embarrassment' in my eyes -- and so I've made myself an embarrassment to myself by my own accord

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it has never been ‘about the other’ and ‘how the other might see me’ as I have only ever projected my own beliefs/ideas/fears/perceptions/opinions upon myself within any given circumstance and so it is all about me and how I have to deconstruct my own thought / belief patterns and purify my vocabulary to be able to free myself from my own prison as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiate your claim’ as ‘being weak’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chain between ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiating one’s claim’, the point of ‘weakness’ and ‘embarrassment’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust and rely on the past as memories to direct me and tell me what to do and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to believe that the past is bound to be repeated and that I am unable to change myself and my patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-create the same memories over and over again through relying on the past as memories for my direction instead of me being here as breath directing myself within every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between ‘not being able to respond to someone’ and ‘weakness/embarrassment’ within and through memory where as a small child someone got really angry at me for something I did/said where I went into a complete mode of petrification and did not know how to respond to what was being said and where I peed my pants because of the amount of fear I was experiencing and not knowing how to deal with the situation

Will walk the specific memory which opened up within my next blog
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