Showing posts with label mental disease. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental disease. Show all posts

Monday, 18 February 2013

Day 183: Anorexia – Lifestyle or Disease?

When I was browsing through the internet on Eating Disorder related websites, the topic of ‘Lifestyle or Disease’ would always pop up over and over again.

On the one side you have the people who believe they are suffering from a disease and require to be cured – and that this disease is involuntary.

On the other side you have people who believe that they are following a lifestyle which should be respected by others and that you have a choice to participate within Eating Disorders or not.

The first group is considered to be ‘authentic’ within having a mental disorder, while the second group is considered by the first group to be ‘wannabes’.

The thing is that they’re both right and they’re both wrong.

Is anorexia or any other Eating Disorder really a ‘disease’? And is it really ‘involuntary’ like ‘catching the flu’ and having ‘eating disorder genes’? It’s a nice side to take because if you’re ‘sick’ and you’re ‘suffering’ and you didn’t have ‘any choice’ within it – then you are left in a position of zero responsibility because ‘you had nothing to do with it’. I find that to be unacceptable with regards to Eating Disorders or even other mental disorders like ‘Depression’ which are portrayed to be ‘diseases’. These mental disorders don’t just manifest overnight. Things like anorexia, bulimia and depression are manifestations which develop through time. You have to actively think about your body in a particular way, you have to actively take comments personal, you have to actively compare yourself to others, you have to actively, obsessively go through fashion magazines while being hypnotised by the ‘thinness’ you perceive, you have to actively put yourself in front of a mirror and remind yourself why you are not good enough, you have to actively not eat and hide your eating patterns, you have to actively put your finger down your throat and puke. There’s no ‘disease’ making you do those things: it’s all you!

Now, people don’t want to hear this because they immediately take it personal and believe that there is something wrong with them and that it makes them ‘look bad’ – because obviously they and everyone knows that this type of behaviour is quite disturbing. So if the behaviour is ‘out of your control’ you can wash your hands clean and just kind of shrug your shoulders at it. The problem with saying that you have a ‘disease’ and that it’s ‘involuntary’ is that you are placing the Eating Disorder separate from yourself, where it’s some sort of ‘Alien invader’ where you have no say. How are you supposed to cure/recover from that? You can’t, because you only have the ability to bring about change within yourself, you only have the power to change you. So if you see your eating disorder behaviour as ‘not you’, then all you can do is stare at it and be completely powerless – you’re placing yourself in victimization mode. On the other hand, if you realise and acknowledge that you are the one acting out this Eating Disorder and bringing it ‘to life’ – where you are the one driving it = you have the power to change it, because you know it’s you. You might not like it because it means that all these disturbing behaviours are indeed coming from you and your decisions and choices to participate within non-supportive thought patterns and actions – but at least you are then placing yourself in a position of self-responsibility and can actually make a difference within your Life.

This does not mean that I agree that ‘anorexia is a lifestyle’ – because obviously, there is a missing link between ‘Starving Yourself’ on the one side, and ‘Life’ on the other side. It’s more of a ‘abusing myself style’ than anything else and should in no way whatsoever be ‘respected’ or ‘recognized’ as a ‘formal lifestyle’ as ‘one of the many ways one can choose to live their life’. Eating disorders are harmful and damaging and you’re basically squeezing the Life out of yourself for the sake of your appearance matching some picture presentation. There’s nothing ‘Life’ about that, you might as well be a plastic doll or an image in a magazine. Though what people from this side do get, is the point that you are the creator and maintainer of your Eating Disorder and so it will be easier for them to stop – but of course only if they want to. Obviously if you see starving yourself as a lifestyle then there’s some serious mental disorder existent within you and as such you might not want to give this up at all as a result of that.

So No, Anorexia is not a Disease and No Anorexia is not a Lifestyle.

It is what it is = it’s mental disorder. And not in the sense of a ‘disease ’ or ‘condition’ of which you are the victim. It’s a mental disorder because you’re actively disordering yourself, and a long with it your body as well (and your body is really the real victim here). Anorexia or any other eating disorder can only exist as long as you fuel/participate within it. You have to in every moment decide whether you are going to act upon the thought that ‘you’re so fat and shouldn’t eat’.

Sure, there may have been events and circumstances which would make someone participate within an Eating Disorder more likely – but in the end it’s still up to self whether you make that decision to harm yourself this way or not.

The whole Pro-Anna (or ‘wannabes’) movement is merely an extreme form of what Eating Disorders actually stand for. They’re direct and straightforward about what they’re doing and how they’re doing it – and are only able to do this due to the vast level of acceptance and value that has been placed on one’s appearance over one’s physical well-being. I mean, is it a coincidence that with the advent of mass-media where we are bombarded with images from billboards, magazines, tv, internet over the last decade – that there has been an 80% rise in Anorexia cases? And where children are being diagnosed with eating disorders from an earlier and earlier age? I mean, there’s FIVE YEAR OLDS that have eating disorders! This is not normal, this is the direct result of our society’s values falling further and further away from valuing life and actual well-being over appearances and fake happiness. Our world is becoming more and more superficial and our bodies are the one’s suffering just like the Earth is suffering more and more under our unhealthy ideologies which do not promote actual well-being.

Check out the Desteni I Process Lite – a free course – to assist and support yourself in getting to know yourself and your mental disorders and assist yourself to a sound mind.

Check out the Equal Money Website as an alternative economic system that actually values Life and actual well-being over unsustainable economic growth.


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Friday, 25 January 2013

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions

Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
Day 167: The Big Fall
 
At some point during my ED period – I came to a point where I was quite satisfied with my weight and how I looked.

We had this one door in our house by the kitchen which had a big dark glass piece in it, and so was kind of half like a mirror. I remember standing in front of it the one day and going ‘Woah, this is it’.

And then I smiled.

And as I stared at my reflection I got sad – really sad.

It was a point of ‘now what’. I had worked myself all the way to this point and got what I wanted and now what. I thought I would be happy, which I had been for a moment – but all in all, my life still sucked – nothing had really changed. My body had changed, my picture presentation had changed but so what? It’s not really anything substantial in terms of having an actual change in your life, it’s one dimension, it’s just one tiny spec.

For all this time I had focussed on only this one point that I had not looked at any other dimension/part of my life and the world I lived in. And now that that one point was ‘satisfied’ so to speak, it fell away – and my whole world came crashing down on me.

Fuck. I was still not happy, I still did not have a life that I could go ‘yes, this is what I want, this is what I am satisfied with’. It felt like it had all been for nothing.

So then I did an interesting thing. I was quite emotional so then I went through a little binging patch and within that ‘set myself back’, distancing myself from my goal once more.

You see, the whole Eating Disorder only works as long as what you are trying to achieve is ‘out there’, as long as it’s always that one step, that one corner away – always just outside of your reach. Because the moment you are there and you got what you want, you realise it’s not really what you wanted and you’re still fucked. It’s whole design is based on unattainability. If you set a goal that is reachable, then you’re screwed because you’re going to get to a point that you’re done and now you have to go do something else with your life.

I mean, it’s such a clever game.

Now that I had set myself back, I had something to focus and obsess about once more, and this time I set the bar higher and further. It’s like you literally plunge and drown yourself into this one little dimension of your life, as if that is what it’s all about – so that you have the perfect excuse not to look at any other part of your life, let alone the world! Because as long as you’re still changing this one point as attaining the ultimate weight/image – well, you can’t really move on to the next point now can you?

So then you end up with this whole dynamic of pushing yourself, and driving yourself to get forward – and then the moment you get close you deliberately sabotage yourself so that you get setback and can continue playing this sick little game.

It’s such a trap, being locked up in your own little demon dimension inside your mind, repeating the same point over and over and over again.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2

Within the book where I made my drawings / sketches – I would also start keeping a form of diary.

Here, I would write everyday about how I felt, what I did and how I did in terms of keeping up with particular goals. I would set myself particular goals, whether it was in the form of calories, weight or exercise. Depending on how I did – my writing would either be ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ if I had kept up with my goal or did ‘better’ – and would be ‘negative’ and literally me insulting myself, if things hadn’t gone according to plan. When I was busy managing my thoughts (which I wrote about in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1) I would also ‘practise’ insulting myself where I would swear at myself if I fucked up – I had a really hard time with that one, and it felt completely stupid, awkward and fake to be calling myself a ‘stupid bitch’ for instance. I never would previously insult or swear at myself so this point I transferred to writing, where I would practice ‘bashing’ myself. It was awkward at first, but I got better at it. The writing was always more to induce some kind of emotional response inside myself – where I used writing and words to ‘work myself up’ to get to a particular emotional state like being very sad or very angry.

After a while I would also start keeping diagrams and graphs in terms of how my weight was progressing over time – where I would have one chart/graph in terms of how I would like things to go and another one showing how things actually were moving (which was of course a different story).

So I would write, write, write – which was like me ‘winding myself up’ like some mechanical doll – then I’d have achieved a particular ‘state of mind’ which I would use to manipulate myself to be in a ‘bad spot’ from which I would then ‘push’ myself out into the opposite direction in terms of re-committing and motivating myself to a point of ‘I’m gonna do this’ and ‘I’m going to get there’.

This is where I saw that emotions are not always reactions as things that just ‘happen’, but is something that one can actually create and generate and use to influence oneself in one way or another. And within this also, how writing can be used to wire yourself up in a particular way and re-enforce particular patterns (like judging / bashing myself).

So now I already had quite a package deal for myself to influence my behaviour and attitude through writing, thinking, drawing, reading and watching. It was really quite the undertaking and required my constant engagement in either ways to keep myself going. It was literally a full-time job where any moment of non-participation in any of these points would immediately show/reflect in how I was doing in terms of sticking to my plan – where there would be drop in motivation and commitment.

This was quite an insightful experience, because I had never worked with myself in this way in terms of my thoughts, emotions and writing – and discovered quite a bit in terms of how these things can be used as tools to ‘change’ yourself. What I did not realise at that point yet, were the implicit considerations. I did for instance not look at how my ‘normal’ and what felt to me ‘natural’ thoughts, emotions and feelings were also constantly influencing me and controlling my behaviour. I simply accepted them ‘as me’ and did not consider to use for instance writing to change those points as well.

So when I came to the point of finding Desteni and watching Jack and Veno and other beings do interviews through the Portal on Thoughts, Feeling & Emotions and Writing – I immediately jumped the boat because I had experienced first hand how these points can be manipulated and used to get a particular result. The only thing that required to change was my starting-point as I had used these points against myself where I had accepted my limited nature and then used ‘what I got’ as ‘limitation’ to try and make things work for me in terms of entertaining myself within my Life and achieving a sense of ‘getting somewhere’ within developing an Eating Disorder (and in essence, ‘specialising’ / ‘extensifiying’ my limitation lol) – instead of looking at who and what I had accepted and allowed myself to become as self-limitation (eg. I cannot be passionate, I cannot have a sense of purpose, I cannot commit myself) and using writing to assist and support myself through these limitations within changing my Thoughts, Feeling and Emotions – as it was these patterns that I was participating within that were keeping myself locked and hindered me from embracing and becoming actual change.
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