For a while now I have been going through all the various
recordings Bernard has made throughout the years in order to sort through the
content and compile them into books by topic. The History of Desteni
– Volume 1 being the first such publication. While going through the
interviews and deciding how to sort them, I often come across interviews that
‘hit me home’ in terms of a particular point or dimension I am walking and
investigating for myself.
This time, it was a discussion on the word: Hope.
It was particularly timely as I had also listened to the
latest Life Reviews Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life Part
1 and Part
2. If you haven’t listened to them, I strongly suggest you do so as it
gives extra angle/perspective into the particular topic of this blog. (If you
don’t have them, leave a comment along with your e-mail address and I might
gift it to you ;-) )
Hope – for many a word with a very positive connotation. The
little light that shines at the darkest hour. In recent days, maybe even weeks,
I have been looking at my relationship with Hope and in how many ways and forms
I participate in hope – without necessarily being aware that it constitutes as
hope.
At first, I was using hope as a way to move myself.
That things may not be as bad as they look.
That anything could happen at any time that would turn
things around 180 degrees.
That maybe something exciting will happen during my day that
I may not know of – and it’s just waiting to happen, so I better get out of
bed!
It worked for a while, I got myself moving, dived into
projects, enthused that great things would be coming my way.
But then – my schedule would fall in the water (which is
kind of a chronic condition when you have a toddler) or things beyond my
control would freeze my efforts. Or I worked really hard on something and the
results were naught. The next day – I was experiencing what I dub a ‘Hope
Hangover’.
I didn’t quite understand my experience. I had been ‘so full
of energy’ (well, that should have already made some bells ring *oops*) the day
before and I had ‘such a positive outlook’ – why was I feeling so low and
exhausted today? On a purely physical level – there was nothing that could
explain my drained experience. I hadn’t been overexerting myself, Cesar managed
to not use me as a mattress for most of the night resulting in a pretty good
night’s sleep – everything was working out quite okay in my reality – so why
this crash?
I didn’t figure it out until later that night, when I slowed
down in bed before sleeping and went over the last few days in microscopic
detail. I hadn’t realised how much I had been participating in hope because I
hadn’t actually used the word ‘hope’ in any of my thoughts. I hadn’t even been
participating in verbal thoughts all that much. And then I realised how many
small positive movements occurred within me throughout the days. Where I may be
thinking of something, and simply because the particular object of my thoughts
has a positive energy charge attached to it – I’m actually going into an
experience of Hope.
Or maybe I am scrolling through Instagram, and a particular
picture triggers a slight positive reaction inside myself – so slight, so
undefined – it’s a pretty picture, of course I should admire it, right? Getting
excited about a project idea that’s come to mind. Seems innocent enough right?
A slight positive experience as I start working through my to-do list. Well, I
should be positively moved – I am being all productive and shit, right? This is
how successful people get things done! Yeah, role model stuff happening right
here.
Right?
Or maybe not.
Maybe all that positivity is just there to cloak what’s
really going on inside: fear, powerlessness and most of all = a lack of self-trust.
The hope that – maybe if I was living that person’s life
things would be easier for me.
Why?
Because I don’t trust that I can change despite what environment I am in
Why?
Because I don’t trust that I can change despite what environment I am in
The hope that if I work on this project we can bring more
people into the Desteni group.
Why?
Because I fear that people don’t move themselves to investigate things unless they are prompted to, as I don’t trust that I can move myself out of my own self-will.
Why?
Because I fear that people don’t move themselves to investigate things unless they are prompted to, as I don’t trust that I can move myself out of my own self-will.
The hope that if I keep myself busy and diligently work
through my to do list that people will be inspired.
Why?
Because I haven’t established the trust to be passionate myself through sheer common sense and understanding. That's why I move from fear instead of understanding.
Why?
Because I haven’t established the trust to be passionate myself through sheer common sense and understanding. That's why I move from fear instead of understanding.
Now, I’m not saying one shouldn’t like things on Instagram,
not come up with any ideas/new projects or not work through your to-do list.
The point I am making is that our starting point in how and why we engage in
our reality determines how we will experience ourselves and move ourselves.
What if I am ever forever stuck in the living conditions I
have now? What if things don’t get better, but worse? Will it change who I am?
Will it change what I stand for? Does it mean I will give up on pushing for a
better world for all, equally?
What if people don’t come and join Desteni, and we remain a
relatively small group – or get disintegrated all together? Does it change
anything for who I am and what I stand for? Will I turn my back and submit that
the world is ‘just the way it is’?
What if doing my best and getting as many things done as
possible does not reap any results? Will I regret how I spent my time? Will I
wish that I could have ‘not wasted my time’? Or will I stand by who I am and what
I do – unconditionally – regardless of the outcome?
These are small examples of ways where can still be stuck in
the Design of Hope. Where we focus on our external reality to (magically)
change or suddenly support us – while on a deep level not being there for
ourselves.
What are we waiting for?
Are we waiting for things to get better, before we will
diligently stop our thoughts and emotions and live in every breath? Or do we
move ourselves in every breath because we have proven to ourselves that the old
way, the way of the mind for sure does not reap the best benefits for everyone
in this world, equally?
Are we waiting for someone else to stand up, to prove that
stopping your mind and moving your trust and faith in Life makes things better
for everyone in the world including yourself, in fact? Or are we going to be
that person for ourselves, because the proof has been in our face countless
times – and we have just that mustard seed of self-honour to stop torturing
ourselves?
Are we going to wait for Desteni to become more financially
successful because money has been deemed to be the ultimate sign and beacon of
truth, success and validity in this world (which is a highly dubious conviction
in itself)? Or are we going to move ourselves unconditionally because in our
being we know that what has become of this world and ourselves is disgraceful
and have decided: No More!
The more we hope for circumstances to change ‘for the
better’ the more we confirm the belief that ‘I cannot do it’ , ‘I’m incapable’.
And that's why I had a 'Hope Hangover'. Because all my movements had been conditional, to achieve something, to appease something. And when those conditions weren't met -- down, down the rabbit hole you go.
And that's why I had a 'Hope Hangover'. Because all my movements had been conditional, to achieve something, to appease something. And when those conditions weren't met -- down, down the rabbit hole you go.
Investigate all the various ways you are still participating
in Hope and show to yourself how Abandoning All Hope – to make the decision to
develop Trust in Yourself – can be the most empowering move you can make.
Here’s a video by Matti which he made closely after Bernard
discussed the word ‘Hope’ :
And here are some blogs I wrote around the same time linking
in to this, when I went through tickbite fever:
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