Day 243: Ruthless

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the mind is ruthless

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the mind is ruthless in its constant bombardment towards giving up and giving in

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the ruthless nature of the mind in setting oneself up to give up, give in through a myriad of reasons, excuses and justifications

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have been ruthless in my acceptance and allowance of the mind - accepting and allowing for much destruction in denying and hiding from what is here - where there is a dark side that ‘doesn’t care’, that doesn’t care who gets hurt, who gets fucked up as long as I can hold on to my self-interest and do not want to budge from this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to care about myself but in the dark corners of my mind plan my own demise

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have de-manned myself and have become demonic 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is a gift within this - as this nature indicates and shows that Ruthlessness has been lived, but has not been lived in a supportive and constructive manner - but has been lived regardless and can be redirected and re-focussed

I commit myself to live ruthlessness in a constructive manner, in favour of life instead of its destruction

I commit myself to turn my weakness into my strength

I commit myself to daily find moments to be ruthless with myself within self-care - real self-care

Day 235: Taunting Myself

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to Anchor myself within my breathing, within my chest - within the Here moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself to fullness of the moment Here and instead keep sending myself down the highway of my mind with many lanes going into many different directions and many lights demanding my attention -- believing and perceiving that this is what is important, that being in my head is supportive and constructive - that this provides me valuable information -- in the meantime being blind to the reality and moment I am in, being blind to me here and being consumed by an alternate reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is dangerous to be here and not follow the ‘pop up’ advertisement of the mind of ‘look at this!, follow this! Investigate this! You may want to fear this!’ - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that my mind has my best interest at heart and that it serves me to follow my mind

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mind does not have my best interest at heart - but only cares about its self-preservation and being high on energy regardless of the consequences to myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried reasoning my way out of my mind from within my mind - not seeing and realising that this is like trying to walk out of a maze that doesn’t have an entry and exit - it’s designed to just keep going forever. I cannot ‘walk out of the maze’ there is only ‘dropping the whole maze’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mis-placed my trust in the mind, in the system, in separation - instead of placing my trust in breath, in the moment, in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the relief that comes with being here with the breath, the groundedness of the physical, the stability of the moment is ‘too good to be true’ and then sabotage myself by bringing up pictures, images, projections and beliefs that are known triggers and get me going on a rollercoaster of energy to disprove to myself that I can be here, stable, grounded and that I need to be ‘on high alert’ that ‘I am not safe’ and that I am ‘kidding myself’ by trusting the moment and life here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become habituated to taunting myself, to rattling myself up, to getting energy going

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taunt my own efforts at change where the moment I move myself beyond diminishment and into empowerment I unleash a tsunami of triggers towards myself as if to say to myself ‘no you’re not allowed to! You’re not allowed to be at peace! You’re not allowed to believe in yourself and others! Get back to your corner!!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become my own worst bully, my own worst enemy - taunting myself into submission and defeat 

Eqafe Interviews:

Introduction to Self Bullying and Self-Hatred - Atlanteans - Part 473
Self Bullying and Self Hatred Part 2 - Atlanteans - Part 474

Day 233: Depression and Denial

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus on ‘getting through the day’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my day in anticipation of my day being over, to wait for the time where I am ‘too tired to do anything’ and can go to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a form of depression as a consequence of not directing my fearfulness - where I fear ‘my day’ but really fear myself within my day as I anticipate ‘more of the same’ to take place and be experienced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a polarity towards the day and night, fearing and wanting to avoid the day, wanting the day to get ‘over and done with’ - while looking forward to the night where I can ‘shut down’ and basically ‘not be existent’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be existent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out the time and state as sleep where ‘nothing more is required of me’ because I’ve made myself believe that it is all too much and too overwhelming

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I make things too much and too overwhelming through my very relationship with the day and night, my relationship to being awake and not being awake - where each time I resist the day, the night ‘becomes sweeter’ and the ‘sweeter’ the night becomes, the more I resist the day - trapping myself in a compounded loop where I enhance my experiences, polarizing myself even more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be awake, to not want to be existent because I have on some level given up on myself, given up on the fact that I can change, that my experience can change, that I can be the directive principle of myself instead of a slave to my mind and emotional experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my depression by referencing my experience of fear and overwhelm, that ‘this is just the way things are’ and that there is ‘no way out’ and ‘no chance of change’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only reason I don’t want to be existent is because I have accepted my state and position as being a slave to the mind - where I am stuck in the haze of the ‘now’ of consciousness where no moment is ‘new’ as every moment is laid over and projected over by my mind 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my depression by saying that ‘nothing is changing’, looking for external change as a reward that I am ‘doing the right thing’

Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk my process for myself, despite what may or may not be changing on the outside - where I have created conditions around my process that make it either ‘worth it’ or ‘not worth it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fixated my process on ‘doing’ as what I am doing / not doing and what others are doing / not doing instead of focusing on Who I Am 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chore out of process, a religion - where I ‘move’ and ‘do my corrections’ but do not do them as myself, but do them from a sense of ‘avoiding damnation’, of ‘having to do the right thing’ - from a ‘I have to’ not because ‘I want to’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have become a victim to myself, abdicating self-responsibility by blaming others for the actions and decisions I have made and the actions and decisions I have not made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for my limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for my limitations instead of fighting and arguing for my expansion and growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend my idea that I cannot be self-responsible, that I am not a creator, that I am not of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live in constant denial of my true nature, in denial of Oneness and Equality as an Equal Creator of Reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the belief that I am not a creator, that I am just a victim and a slave - not consider what it is I want to create for myself and everyone because apparently ‘that’s not even an option’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe or conceive that I am more than who I think and believe I am as a character - to only see and behold myself from a System’s perspective and have stopped seeing myself and who I am within the context of Life, as a Child of Life

Day 215: Arguments of Convenience – Part 2

This blog is in continuation to:
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money
Day 213: Arguments of Convenience
Day 214: Time is Money – Part 2

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of futility and ridiculousness whenever I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that no-one is imposing this experience on me but me -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body and focus on the task at hand

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of guilt when I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the guilt forms part of the Policeman in the Head Morality Construct -- where I  don't need anyone to tell me anymore what I should and shouldn't do as I have already internalized the values of the system within me, where I feel guilt and shame towards the policeman in my head within doing something which I labeled as 'non-productive'. I commit myself to breathe, let go of the energetic charge as guilt as I see and realise that I am both the observer as the policeman and the observed as the one experiencing the guilt and I make the directive decision to not participate in either -- and to be here as breath, within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself looking at an activity which I know within myself I should really do now / seeing that this point requires attention NOW but experience resistance in relation to the point upon which I then conjure up the thought/excuse 'that this is not a productive activity'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely coming up with the excuse that 'it is not productive' as reason/justification why it is okay for me to not do this right now and to cover up/disguise the actual experience of inherent resistance towards the activity/task -- where I make it seem like it is 'nothing personal', but just that 'it's not productive' where playing out this theatric I am attempting to show/tell myself that 'there is nothing going on here' and can just 'continue to go about my business' and thus I commit myself to stop the kidding of myself and instead acknowledge the presence of resistance and allow myself to push through / work with the point instead of painting it to be something else

When and as I see myself downplaying the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration as acts of self-intimacy within telling myself 'not now' and 'this isn't helping anyone right now' -- I stop and I breathe --  I see and realise that I am kidding myself / sabotaging myself because I have seen and realised and understood the importance of self-intimacy for the development of self-honesty as an important point to bring about change within this world and is not something to just be 'waved away'. I thus commit myself to remind myself of what I have seen and realised and to deal with any resistances that come up within the moment towards the point of self-intimacy

When and as I see myself being faced with a task which needs to be done which could be categorized as 'productive' but experience resistance towards the point/activity/task and then conjure up the thought that 'I need some time for myself' as an excuse to not deal with the point, where I rather go do some writing or exercise -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dress up my decision as being 'principle based' by conjuring up thoughts as arguments which conveniently suit the situation as what I want to do per the energy I am experiencing. I thus commit myself to acknowledge the experience of resistance, that it is just a matter of 'me not wanting to do it' and move myself to do it as a self-directive self-moved decision to show to myself that I can move myself beyond energy and I commit myself to investigate the nature of the resistance so that I can practically work through it

Day 213: Arguments of Convenience

This blog is in continuation to: 
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ridiculousness and futility whenever I am doing something which could be perceived/labelled as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of guilt whenever I am doing something / participating within something which could be perceived as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must at all times be productive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have turned the concept of 'unproductivity' into an excuse -- where I have accepted and allowed myself to bring it up as a reason as to why doing something or investigating a point which is in relation to developing self-intimacy and self-understanding is not 'what I should do now' and manipulate myself into skipping / postponing the activity under the guise that 'it's not productive', while I am merely just resisting the point of exploring and developing self-intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within not doing things which require me to work on myself as a being, where I use the reason / excuse that 'it is not productive' to make myself feel 'okay' with not doing it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I don't take the time out for myself to work on myself then I cannot expect others to do the same and thus cannot expect this world to change any time soon -- as the very system of 'productivity' and 'infinite economic growth' is merely the result/outcome/consequence of our human nature which we accepted and allowed collectively and thus unless we do something about our nature, the system will remain the same as an equal and one reflection of who we are -- and thus as long as I allow myself to postpone self-change I am postponing the change of the system and will always find myself in a 'productivity trap'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to downplay the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration within the belief that it 'doesn't help anyone else' -- not seeing and realising that change starts with self and that if no-one takes out the time to change themselves we will always believe that we are unable to change and remain victims of our own stupidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my 'productivity' argument at times when I don't want to do a point of self-intimacy / working on myself and then at other times use the 'I need time for myself' argument when I don't feel like doing something which could be categorized as 'productive'-- where these arguments conveniently pop up according to what I want to do instead of what needs to be done / what would be best for all -- where I allow energy to determine the 'reasoning applicable in the moment' to manipulate my way into always 'doing what I want' instead of using practical common sense within 'doing what needs to be done', where my preferences only come secondary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swing from one side to the other where I will either focus too much on productivity and too little on self-development, or too much on self-development and too little of productivity -- where I do not allow myself to line out a practical balance because obviously both points require to be addressed

Related articles

• Day 212: Time is Money
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 353 - Less Play more Time, then where is my time.

Day 204: It Can't be That Easy

This is a continuation to:
Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record

I now have started a 'new thing' for myself wherein I first speak in my Self-Forgiveness blog and record it with my cellphone (lol, I first wrote 'selfphone',which is like 'self sounding' from the perspective of "phone"/"phonetics") and afterwards write it out.

I decided to do it this way because I have had massive resistance speaking my whole life, where even just this one point of speaking out loud by myself has become a point of resistance and awkwardness, where the sound of my own voice freaks me out. As a child I used being quiet as a coping mechanism, where I believed that if I can keep myself quiet, I can make myself unnoticeable and I will be less likely to entice conflict within my environment.

So within speaking my Self Forgiveness out loud, I find myself being able to have to practically move through the resistance of fear of speaking – even if it is just “to” myself, to get comfortable with my own voice – as I often speak in mumbles to get the speaking ‘over with’ instead of making sure that my words are clear and specific. Here again, doing the Self Forgiveness out loud has shown to be another ground of practice within that regard – where it is easier to notice whether the words are flowing and/or whether there is any judgment involved in the point I am working on, or the words used within the Self Forgiveness.

Anyway, as I was speaking and writing my blog from yesterday ‘Day 203: My Mind is Like a Broken Record’ – I started to breathe. I started to breathe, I started to slow down for myself and found myself able to disregard the information my thoughts were attempting to convey – reminding myself, that the chatter is not relevant and so, there is no point giving it attention and then suddenly POOF the thought it gone lol.

This morning I woke up with the general emotions and thoughts as what I had accepted to be ‘normal’ to wake up with – and immediately I stopped, I looked at the thoughts, the emotions and what they represent and asked myself: Wait a minute – how are you relevant again? How is this supposed to help me being effective, help me within being stable, help me within establishing a world that is best for all Life? And I looked at the thoughts, the feelings and emotions and kind of an ‘uuuuh’ experience – where it was clear that these thoughts, feelings and emotions have absolutely no function within the context of what is Best for All Life, and gone they went.

I took a deep breath, threw my blanket open, ready to jump out of bed and was surprised at the ease and lightness with which I was getting out of bed – it was so strange, “this is not normal”, “this is not how it usually goes”, “can it really be that easy?” And there, doubt set in, and from the moment that I even just started considering the possible validity of these statements as thoughts in the slightest way – a darkness and a heaviness crept in and it was like prison bars shot down from the sky out of nowhere and back I was in my cage. Dammit! I allowed myself to be fooled again lol. So I stopped, looked at the thoughts, looked at where they came from, looked at the resistance of living my commitment – where the point of ‘It can’t be that easy’ was basically me looking for an excuse/justification to fail and find a reason why I can’t commit to my decision, which again is really not a ‘can’t’, but more of a ‘I don’t want to’.

I found myself missing many breaths and I also found myself picking up on Breathing just as much today. The habitual doubt and self-judgment always just being around the corner to question myself and my commitment – where each time I miss, it finds an opportunity to show its face, and I find an opportunity to not participate and simply start over.

Related articles

• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3
• Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205
• Day 356 & 357 Self-Change through SELF-JUDGEMENT or through a simply DECISION?

Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record

Also read:
Day 386: Fetal Development Stages – Consciousness Research – Week 14 (Part Two)
Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and believe my thoughts as the content they present as ‘not trusting myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the past to tell me who I am, within trusting my thoughts , where my thoughts are merely the result of the accumulation of memories as data and the meanings as emotions and feelings attached/embedded within these memories whereby the thoughts are ‘ghosts of the past’ haunting me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and ‘live here’ while ‘looking through the past’, instead of being here – breath by breath, as the only way within which ‘living here’ is possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are valid, without actually having tested them to see whether they are valid in all ways, or whether they are only valid within the context of the existence of the memory as being an extension of data – but instead merely apathetically accepted and allowed them as apparently being ‘normal’ and within doing so accepting and allowing the limitation that comes with living by one’s thoughts as one’s own personal nightmare

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of distrust and inadequacy, without seeing and realizing that I am merely echoing memories – where within accepting these thoughts and allowing them to play over and over again like a broken record, I am merely creating new memories with the exact same content, over and over again – to only further perpetuate my accepted and allowed limitation within enforcing the same pattern and thus enforcing the same outcome with no room for change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences that are attached to them, believing that because they come up, ‘they must be real’ and I ‘must follow them’ and I ‘must accept them’ (while these are also thoughts lol), without questioning where my thoughts/feelings and emotions come from

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have made the decision, the commitment, the statement – to decide to live here, breath by breath, moment by moment – within believing my thoughts that tell me that it’s ‘too hard’, it’s ‘too difficult’, ‘not yet’, ‘maybe later’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that in terms of living the commitment of breathing here in every moment – there is no ‘later’ or ‘process’ that needs to take place in order for me to supposedly be enabled to effectively live here breath by breath – as all there is, is the decision as willpower , as commitment, as I am here, this is what I accept and allow, this is who I am – and who I am is now living breath by breath and not give in to the voices of the memories as thoughts, desperately wanting attention and be held unto because of some perverse perception of apparent value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed making the decision of living breath by breath, where I saw that it was inevitable to make this decision and to live by the decision made – but instead perceived the decision as the final decision within a negative charge connotation, connecting it to ‘death’ – where this decision would be ‘it’, living by this decision would mean no turning back – wherein I went into fear and instead of pushing through the bullshit of thought, I stepped back within myself and went ‘not yet’, and justified it with ‘I cannot do this anyway’ and thus in fact fulfilling my own self-belief within not doing it, not seeing and realizing that my decision to ‘not do it’ does not mean that I ‘cannot do it’, only that I don’t want to bother finding out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived in regret of that one moment, where I saw what needed to be done, but instead allowed myself to be persuaded by my thoughts and what they had to say and so within that moment accepted and allowed myself to remain limited because apparently these thoughts that claim that I am limited have some freaking value and I should just ‘go with it’

I commit myself to live breathe by breath here, to live in awareness instead of consciousness and to when and as I see myself missing a breath of having missed breaths – to simply pick up again as a matter of common sense and self-dedication and self-will and to not allow myself to give into the thoughts who are ready to cheer me down into giving up and self-defeat – because I have made a commitment and I have made a decision and I am tired of letting myself down – it has been enough

I commit myself to trust myself and to learn to trust myself to be able to just do this one simple thing: to be here within a single breath ever only, and to practice this point over and over, breath by breath – the only way you can practice anything – until it is a living natural expression of and as me, where I live it instead of practicing it

I commit myself to disregard the voices in my head, to see them for what they are as merely the collection of data and information being repeated – and to use them as an opportunity to identify the programming, the rules that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by – and to reverse engineer their creation to a point of nothingness, so I may create a new rule, a new law by which to live – as that what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to give myself to opportunity to live here, as I see and realize that I have only ever lived as thought – or rather have lived through thought within believing that it was ‘me’, within believing that ‘who I am’ is the mind and where within the realization that I am not the mind, and not yet the body – I am absolutely nothing – and thus I grant myself the opportunity to kill myself as the mind and birth myself as the Life from and as the Physical and find out who I really am, as Life – and disregard/shed what I have been living as a Lie.

Related articles

• Day 348 - Ignoring the obvious point in the Moment.
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3
• Day 343 - Getting home from work, the Fly trap.
• Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2
• Day 321 - Falling behind on daily Blogging, getting up, moving forward

Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am hungry or feel like eating something and open the fridge/cupboard to see what food there is – react to what I want to eat when looking at the amount of calories I have connected to the food wherein I still use this point of calories as a measure of ‘what’s good’ and ‘what’s not good’ – where I will feel like eating something but then consider its ‘high calorie content’ and then stop and go for something which has a low calorie content within thinking that that’s ‘the better choice’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have to make a decision about what I am about to eat and open the fridge, to still from time to time scan all the foods and consider all the information I have attached to each particular food present in the fridge and will weight each one’s data against one another and according to that pick what I eat – wherein that moment I completely ‘forget’ about my human physical body and what I as my physical body feel like eating and rather just follow ‘information’ without my decision based on this information being necessarily what is Best for my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see the thought come up towards a particular food, where I think that I shouldn’t eat it and that it’s ‘no good for me’ in terms of ‘putting on weight’ but then shove the thought aside in a sense of spitefulness and eat it anyway – go into an experience of guilt and regret when finishing the particular food/sweets where I believe I made a mistake and that I am now a failure

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I have created this experience for myself through a Morality character where because I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some as ‘bad’ and decided to forgo the good for the bad – that I am now a ‘bad person’ because I ‘broke the rules’ and should not have done that

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that in turn I am the creator of this Morality character and had to participate within the labelling of things as right and wrong and good and bad and believing in these values for the Morality Character to exist and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience is merely the result of my ideas and beliefs and can thus be changed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body when looking into what to eat but instead follow my Food Religion as all the information I have accumulated over time and sorted by relevance in terms of ‘losing/gaining weight’ – where I will eat both the so called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things and yet depending on the moment can still find myself experiencing adverse effects due to the foods chosen within only looking at the foods in isolation and not considering my body and what I have already eaten / what is compatible within the moment as I only sought compatibility with the ideas and beliefs in my mind in order for myself as my mind to ‘feel better’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I find myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category to start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – but where I am actually more playing guesswork within trying to ‘calculate’ and ‘rationalise’ the guilt away for eating what I ate instead of looking at my starting point of eating the food and identifying/tracing the origin/emergence of the guilt and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a Religion about Food where I can’t just eat and nourish my body because I have made up all these rules and regulations to which I have to abide if I want to be a ‘good girl’ within the religion – while I at the same time constantly looking for/ scouting for loopholes that I can use to escape the very rules and codes I created for myself within my own religion wherein I am constantly shifting from being a faithful servant to a sinner and get lost in inner-conflict as I can’t make up my mind about what I want

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 186: Baggage from the Past - when is an ED really over?
• Day 179: You Reap what You Sow
• Day 178: Fail-You-Are - Redefining Failure

Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?

I’ll be going through my day and everything is normal and then I would for instance open the fridge and want to eat a particular food and then a thought quickly flashed by that goes “No, don’t do that – don’t you know how many calories is in that??” Like randomly, out of nowhere, completely out of context. And then I actually go “hmmm – good point there” and then “what no! what am I doing?!” and then have to snap myself out of it.

Or I’m busy doing some exercises just because its fun and supportive and then there will be a small moment where I go “I wonder how many calories you burn doing this” – like a sneaky little thought that crawls up from the back of your head and then I actually start shifting my perspective/approach on the exercise I’m doing and go “hmm yes interesting how many calories am I actually burning hmmm I wonder if its more or less than that exercise – oh maybe eating that piece of chocolate earlier is being cancelled out right now…” and then if I don’t stop myself it just goes round and round and round and I start looking at everything in terms of losing wait and calories and fat and how to cancel things out and making plans for the future of what I am and not going to eat because if I eat this then I cannot eat that but then maybe later if I do that then it’s okay and and and… – it just spirals out really quickly. Just from following that one thought – where I go ‘ok thought, I give you permission to exist’ and then after I give it the ‘okay’ it starts bringing in all its friends and they bring their friends and before I know it there’s a full blown party in my head and it’s like I’m having an ED episode all over again.

So every day I see there are still little temptations, little points that if I allow myself to go there, the whole ED thing comes falling right back from the sky and then boom – I’m in it. Because it only takes that one thought, that one point where you kind of start looking at something in distorted way, kind of tilting your head into a different angle – and then that’s enough to screw yourself over. That one point of acceptance and allowance of ‘one little thought’ literally floods the gate for shit to come pouring in. If you allow that ONE point, you allow ALL of it.

So it’s quite interesting to see how I go through my day because it’s really a matter of ‘all or nothing’ where I either don’t participate in this type of stuff or where when I do I can just see how it just kind of start seeping in from all the corners of my day, like it literally starts to frame my day from this one perspective only until I go ‘Uh oh, what am I doing – stop!’

Earlier I was going through some checklists to see how people are ‘diagnosed’ with Eating Disorders as usually these type of things contain a list of disorder behaviour and the more you click ‘yes’ the more likely you have this or that disorder and I wanted to see what was considered normal and what not. So now in one of these lists, most of the points consisted of points/thoughts that most people have like: not wanting to be fat, wanting to be thin, feeling guilty after eating a lot, exercising to lose weight, caring about how you look, etc, etc – and then you also have the extreme points like starving yourself and binging and puking and flooding yourself with meds and laxatives. Yet if you only tick the ones I mentioned first, you don’t have an eating disorder and if you tick the points I mentioned last: you do.

Which is weird because from my perspective, it’s all disordered. Starving, binging, puking, meds and excessive exercise are just the outflow / extreme end of those other seemingly ‘innocent’ points that everyone has where you’re ‘conscious of how you look and what you eat’. I mean, I’ve been there – I had the ‘innocent thoughts’ and I followed them and you end up in a pretty screwed up situation. As long as we allow any form of distortion towards food and our bodies there will always be serious eating disorders like anorexia en bulimia – because those ‘innocent thoughts’ are merely the key to a door with a very long hallway with destination Eating Disorder. You may not go all the way down the hall but you’re still in the same building. It’s not just people who are seriously underweight and physically deteriorating that require ‘treatment’ for their disorder – because they’re just on the far end of the construct – and it’s a construct everyone participates in.

Related articles

• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Writing - Part 3
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret

Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food – Part 2

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts deliberately aimed at undermining my body for the sake of achieving a particular picture presentation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these thoughts are not supportive and not sustainable and have to stop,, I also see and realise that I have integrated these thoughts pattern through repetitions through time and will take time and continuous dedication to stop and correct myself and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of the thought(s) and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself participate within disordered thought patterns which I know do not make sense and only serve to manipulate myself into actions of self-sabotage which I will then later regret – I stop and I breathe – I have seen the beginning and end of this pattern and takes me no-where and so I commit myself to and let go and save myself the unnecessary regret of not sticking with common sense

When and as I see myself participating within non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body where I take/look at a piece of food and start going through all the information and knowledge I have about that particular food and will weigh out the ‘good’ against the ‘bad’ within the framework of ‘will this make me fat’ – and then base my decision to eat or not eat the food on that – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I gathered while I was having an eating disorder was selective and in line with my obsession and thus this information is not reliable as I will only ever use it to justify disordered eating patterns and so I commit myself to let go of all the knowledge and information and to simply check within myself as my human physical body what it feels like eating and work with that

When and as I see myself looking at foods in terms of only the information and knowledge I have about them – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a very limited way of interacting with food as all I know is a bunch of numbers like calories and have ideas of morality of what properties of the food are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but do not actually in any way whatsoever know the food for real but only know of the idea that I have about the food which keeps me from actually dealing with the food and basically making completely random food choices which are not substantiated in fact as I have no idea how my human physical body actually operates and processes foods and so I commit myself to let go of all that I thought I knew about food while participating within an ED and to trust my body to tell me what foods are required to be eaten

When and as I see myself meticulously scanning my body and start noting down all the things that are apparently ‘wrong’ with it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these ideas/judgments/ideals were not always a part of me and do not have to be there – as these judgments in terms of what the body ‘looks like’ in no way serve in catering for my body’s well being and so I commit myself to stop and embrace myself as my human body unconditionally and be grateful for the unconditionality of my body being here and still being here after all I have put it through

When and as I see myself repeating thoughts I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am literally brainwashing myself as I have seen and realised how this would play out in the past and so I commit myself to stop right then and there as there is no point to allow such a point to accumulate to complete integration and automation but to rather nip it in the bud and prevent any unnecessary consequences from taking place

When and as I see myself doing / thinking / saying /writing something which I, inside myself know I shouldn’t be doing within experiencing it as essentially ‘stabbing myself in the back’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can’t lie to myself and that if I continue lying and cheating on myself I will eventually get tired of myself so I commit myself to stop and correct myself right then and then and to not let this pattern play out any longer unnecessarily

When and as I see myself justify my actions over and over again and coming up with new ways of justifying what I am doing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I only use justification to cover something up which I inherently know I should not be doing and so I commit myself to stop and flagpoint these justifications to remind me that I am not being honest with myself and require to review my self-application

When and as I see myself going into that same vibe/train of thoughts that marked my eating disorder phase – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am entering dangerous territory and do not want to go there because if I go there I have to anyway get out of it again so I might as well stop right now and here and get over it as that is inevitable – and that is what I commit myself to

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance