Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Day 204: It Can't be That Easy

This is a continuation to:
Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record

I now have started a 'new thing' for myself wherein I first speak in my Self-Forgiveness blog and record it with my cellphone (lol, I first wrote 'selfphone',which is like 'self sounding' from the perspective of "phone"/"phonetics") and afterwards write it out.

I decided to do it this way because I have had massive resistance speaking my whole life, where even just this one point of speaking out loud by myself has become a point of resistance and awkwardness, where the sound of my own voice freaks me out. As a child I used being quiet as a coping mechanism, where I believed that if I can keep myself quiet, I can make myself unnoticeable and I will be less likely to entice conflict within my environment.

So within speaking my Self Forgiveness out loud, I find myself being able to have to practically move through the resistance of fear of speaking – even if it is just “to” myself, to get comfortable with my own voice – as I often speak in mumbles to get the speaking ‘over with’ instead of making sure that my words are clear and specific. Here again, doing the Self Forgiveness out loud has shown to be another ground of practice within that regard – where it is easier to notice whether the words are flowing and/or whether there is any judgment involved in the point I am working on, or the words used within the Self Forgiveness.

Anyway, as I was speaking and writing my blog from yesterday ‘Day 203: My Mind is Like a Broken Record’ – I started to breathe. I started to breathe, I started to slow down for myself and found myself able to disregard the information my thoughts were attempting to convey – reminding myself, that the chatter is not relevant and so, there is no point giving it attention and then suddenly POOF the thought it gone lol.

This morning I woke up with the general emotions and thoughts as what I had accepted to be ‘normal’ to wake up with – and immediately I stopped, I looked at the thoughts, the emotions and what they represent and asked myself: Wait a minute – how are you relevant again? How is this supposed to help me being effective, help me within being stable, help me within establishing a world that is best for all Life? And I looked at the thoughts, the feelings and emotions and kind of an ‘uuuuh’ experience – where it was clear that these thoughts, feelings and emotions have absolutely no function within the context of what is Best for All Life, and gone they went.

I took a deep breath, threw my blanket open, ready to jump out of bed and was surprised at the ease and lightness with which I was getting out of bed – it was so strange, “this is not normal”, “this is not how it usually goes”, “can it really be that easy?” And there, doubt set in, and from the moment that I even just started considering the possible validity of these statements as thoughts in the slightest way – a darkness and a heaviness crept in and it was like prison bars shot down from the sky out of nowhere and back I was in my cage. Dammit! I allowed myself to be fooled again lol. So I stopped, looked at the thoughts, looked at where they came from, looked at the resistance of living my commitment – where the point of ‘It can’t be that easy’ was basically me looking for an excuse/justification to fail and find a reason why I can’t commit to my decision, which again is really not a ‘can’t’, but more of a ‘I don’t want to’.

I found myself missing many breaths and I also found myself picking up on Breathing just as much today. The habitual doubt and self-judgment always just being around the corner to question myself and my commitment – where each time I miss, it finds an opportunity to show its face, and I find an opportunity to not participate and simply start over.

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