Day 242: Stepping out of Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to fear and the alternate reality it opens up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my fears and anxieties as a way to guide and direct me that it feels unnatural 'not to' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the future needs to be foretold and be known 100% before I can walk it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not have in any way predicted where I am today and the path I have walked and yet: I am here

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes discipline to condition myself and my body into fear and that it takes discipline to say No in every moment to get out of the experience 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes time to walk through the layers of the onion -- to be patient with myself and yet not use 'it's not going fast enough / it's not all sorted 'here and now'' as an excuse that 'it's not working' -- within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live both patience and perseverance in equal measure - where I tend to either be 'too patient' where I let time pass but without the dedicated movement and action of myself or where I am being forceful and hard with myself cause I want to get it done 'here and now' and then react that it's not done in 'one moment' as 'one decision' as it's a decision I have to make and live again and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself when I am making changes -- thinking and believing 'no this can't be it' and then plunge myself deeper into the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply a solution consistently enough to see what comes of it and actually take myself through to the other side

Day 241: Enjoyment

I forgive you I have accepted and allowed myself to fear enjoying myself as my expression as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not safe to enjoy myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is safe to be in fear, despite the physical experience and evidence that anything done out of fear only creates more fear 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on enjoying myself as my expression as me - believing and perceiving that there is no space for expression and enjoyment in this world - despite everyone actually wanting to enjoy and express themselves 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over the years have trained myself out of expression and into fear until it manifested as a physical integration 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that it is going to take time to train myself out of fear and into expression 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to 'snap out' of the fear conditioned experiences in my body - not seeing and realizing that it took time to condition my body to fear and that it takes time to deliberately recondition the body to expression 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am going through a learning process specific to my process and location point where I am and have been walking through a lot of points that are specifically challenging to me - where we all have our challenge points and periods, our 'Dark Night of the Soul' 

I commit myself to see and realize that this is not forever and that this too will end 

I commit myself to trust that I learn and grow from these experiences, no matter how painful it may currently seem

I commit myself to walk this phase without judgment 

Day 238: Avoiding Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a Fool for having had and wanting to Trust Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as dangerous and reckless to drop the ways of the System and to rather embrace the ways of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trusting Life, the moment, here -- perceiving and believing that it is naive and gullible and a sure way to destroy myself and others around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is not safe to Trust Life and that I have to use walls of knowledge and information to protect and defend me -- where I am constantly in a state of control and wanting to be ‘on top’ of the situation, not seeing the moment, not trusting the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is all in reverse - that it is not safe to trust the mind in its limited ways and that it is safe to trust life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of trusting myself as life, as process


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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected trusting myself, trusting life with causing pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become scared of taking responsibility for myself and others because I have connected it to certain events where I was blamed for someone's pain and suffering and allowed it to crush me, allowed it to create pain and suffering within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility, to trust myself, to stand with and as myself because I perceive and believe that 'I am not the right person', 'please don't ask me to stand' - 'I am going to fuck up and create pain and suffering for me and for others'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing within and as my point of responsibility, of trust - believing and perceiving that it will only create disappointment for myself and others, so please don't ask anything of me, don't ask me to be or do more - it will only create more suffering, it is better if I take myself out of the equation and save everyone a lot of pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cringe at the sight of 'being more' of 'doing more' - believing and perceiving that I am doomed and rotten to the core, that when others ask me for assistance or support, hold within me 'you don't know who you are dealing with, I am not who you think I am - don't ask me to support because it will only create more pain and suffering'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forgotten who I am - where all that exists and remains is the pain and hurt of having 'fucked up' where I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to one / a few events that I have defined as a 'fuck up' as a 'failure' and as a disappointment to myself and others - holding on to this 'bad' while forgetting and disregarding any good I created and contributed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the constant fear and anticipation that I am going to be blindsided again and have a shitstorm pour over me, that it is inevitable and just 'waiting to happen' - where I perceive and believe I can't trust 'any good' within myself or others, that is bound to get smashed in my face and that I will feel stupid and foolish for having put any trust and faith in myself and others

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the worst of myself and others, of the world - as a way to protect myself from any hurt and pain, as a way to avoid disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by holding my eye, my focus and attention steady on the worst, on all that is going wrong and can go wrong - that is what I am nurturing and maintaining within myself and within the world - in essence creating that which I fear, that which I dislike - and only seeing that of myself and others which confirms my starting point 'as the worst' - and so I am constantly trapped and experience only the worst of me, as a constant inner hell and do not allow myself to experience anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the statement that 'you don't know who I really am' as the worst of me - feeling convinced that is the 'the truth', the 'reality' - not considering that I am so consumed by one or a few experiences - that it is actually I, who does not know who I am and I am not allowing myself to find out who I really am and who I could be - because I have already condemned myself to the worst

Day 237: Torn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the inevitable 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the call for change - both internally and externally 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that things need to change, that there is no such thing as retaining and maintaining the status quo - because the status quo is part of a dynamic movement which is a downward spiral - and to 'keep things as is' is to keep the downward spiral in place - where even though everything 'seems alright' and there's no 'apparent need for change' - it's only because of the current position I am in within the trend, like a boat on a river that is doing fine, even though the pace of the river is ever so slightly speeding up, hinting at an eventual massive waterfall. BUT because the waterfall is not yet here, it's not yet in sight - I tell myself that everything is okay, that I can ignore the changes that are hinting and indicating the inevitable. Within this placing myself in a position of friction - where I can see, but pretend to not see, want to ‘unsee’ and every moment I act in denial of the changes taking place, the friction, the inner conflict builds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the old, the familiar, the known - while at the same time seeing that holding on to the old, the familiar and the known is to my detriment -- being torn between the pain of changing and the pain of the consequences of remaining the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in letting go of the old, to change and adapt - that I would rather ‘go down with the ship’ than changing course and direction while I still can - even if the outcome of that is unknown -- the going down of the ship is known

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for consequences to manifest, to wait for a point where there is a certain level of ‘too lateness’ yet have a definitive conclusion that ‘this wasn’t the way to go’ - to only then change, by force, through circumstance, instead of me having directed me when there was still more ‘playroom’ and more options available

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that for me to take action and act on the changes of the currents, that I need to be perfectly clear inside myself, instead of seeing and realizing that I need to move and act despite the inner challenges and struggles, that the inner challenges and struggles are part of the process, part of the change, part of the ‘growing pains’

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be kind and considerate towards myself and the rifts and ripples I go through and yet to not allow these rifts and ripples to stop me from moving forward

Day 234: Giving Up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the illusion of giving up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can give up

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when all is apparently lost, then there is nothing more to lose and everything to gain

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that throughout not giving up or giving up or being in limbo - I am still here, I have always been here and will remain here

Day 231: The Disempowerment of Hope – What are you Waiting for?

For a while now I have been going through all the various recordings Bernard has made throughout the years in order to sort through the content and compile them into books by topic. The History of Desteni – Volume 1 being the first such publication. While going through the interviews and deciding how to sort them, I often come across interviews that ‘hit me home’ in terms of a particular point or dimension I am walking and investigating for myself.

This time, it was a discussion on the word: Hope.

It was particularly timely as I had also listened to the latest Life Reviews Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life Part 1 and Part 2. If you haven’t listened to them, I strongly suggest you do so as it gives extra angle/perspective into the particular topic of this blog. (If you don’t have them, leave a comment along with your e-mail address and I might gift it to you ;-) )

Hope – for many a word with a very positive connotation. The little light that shines at the darkest hour. In recent days, maybe even weeks, I have been looking at my relationship with Hope and in how many ways and forms I participate in hope – without necessarily being aware that it constitutes as hope. 

At first, I was using hope as a way to move myself. 

That things may not be as bad as they look.

That anything could happen at any time that would turn things around 180 degrees.

That maybe something exciting will happen during my day that I may not know of – and it’s just waiting to happen, so I better get out of bed!

It worked for a while, I got myself moving, dived into projects, enthused that great things would be coming my way.

But then – my schedule would fall in the water (which is kind of a chronic condition when you have a toddler) or things beyond my control would freeze my efforts. Or I worked really hard on something and the results were naught. The next day – I was experiencing what I dub a ‘Hope Hangover’.

I didn’t quite understand my experience. I had been ‘so full of energy’ (well, that should have already made some bells ring *oops*) the day before and I had ‘such a positive outlook’ – why was I feeling so low and exhausted today? On a purely physical level – there was nothing that could explain my drained experience. I hadn’t been overexerting myself, Cesar managed to not use me as a mattress for most of the night resulting in a pretty good night’s sleep – everything was working out quite okay in my reality – so why this crash?

I didn’t figure it out until later that night, when I slowed down in bed before sleeping and went over the last few days in microscopic detail. I hadn’t realised how much I had been participating in hope because I hadn’t actually used the word ‘hope’ in any of my thoughts. I hadn’t even been participating in verbal thoughts all that much. And then I realised how many small positive movements occurred within me throughout the days. Where I may be thinking of something, and simply because the particular object of my thoughts has a positive energy charge attached to it – I’m actually going into an experience of Hope.

Or maybe I am scrolling through Instagram, and a particular picture triggers a slight positive reaction inside myself – so slight, so undefined – it’s a pretty picture, of course I should admire it, right? Getting excited about a project idea that’s come to mind. Seems innocent enough right? A slight positive experience as I start working through my to-do list. Well, I should be positively moved – I am being all productive and shit, right? This is how successful people get things done! Yeah, role model stuff happening right here.

Right?

Or maybe not.

Maybe all that positivity is just there to cloak what’s really going on inside: fear, powerlessness and most of all =  a lack of self-trust.

The hope that – maybe if I was living that person’s life things would be easier for me.
Why?
Because I don’t trust that I can change despite what environment I am in

The hope that if I work on this project we can bring more people into the Desteni group.
Why?
Because I fear that people don’t move themselves to investigate things unless they are prompted to, as I don’t trust that I can move myself out of my own self-will.

The hope that if I keep myself busy and diligently work through my to do list that people will be inspired.
Why?
Because I haven’t established the trust to be passionate myself through sheer common sense and understanding. That's why I move from fear instead of understanding.

Now, I’m not saying one shouldn’t like things on Instagram, not come up with any ideas/new projects or not work through your to-do list. The point I am making is that our starting point in how and why we engage in our reality determines how we will experience ourselves and move ourselves.

What if I am ever forever stuck in the living conditions I have now? What if things don’t get better, but worse? Will it change who I am? Will it change what I stand for? Does it mean I will give up on pushing for a better world for all, equally?

What if people don’t come and join Desteni, and we remain a relatively small group – or get disintegrated all together? Does it change anything for who I am and what I stand for? Will I turn my back and submit that the world is ‘just the way it is’?

What if doing my best and getting as many things done as possible does not reap any results? Will I regret how I spent my time? Will I wish that I could have ‘not wasted my time’? Or will I stand by who I am and what I do – unconditionally – regardless of the outcome?

These are small examples of ways where can still be stuck in the Design of Hope. Where we focus on our external reality to (magically) change or suddenly support us – while on a deep level not being there for ourselves.

What are we waiting for?

Are we waiting for things to get better, before we will diligently stop our thoughts and emotions and live in every breath? Or do we move ourselves in every breath because we have proven to ourselves that the old way, the way of the mind for sure does not reap the best benefits for everyone in this world, equally?

Are we waiting for someone else to stand up, to prove that stopping your mind and moving your trust and faith in Life makes things better for everyone in the world including yourself, in fact? Or are we going to be that person for ourselves, because the proof has been in our face countless times – and we have just that mustard seed of self-honour to stop torturing ourselves?

Are we going to wait for Desteni to become more financially successful because money has been deemed to be the ultimate sign and beacon of truth, success and validity in this world (which is a highly dubious conviction in itself)? Or are we going to move ourselves unconditionally because in our being we know that what has become of this world and ourselves is disgraceful and have decided: No More!

The more we hope for circumstances to change ‘for the better’ the more we confirm the belief that ‘I cannot do it’ , ‘I’m incapable’.
And that's why I had a 'Hope Hangover'. Because all my movements had been conditional, to achieve something, to appease something. And when those conditions weren't met -- down, down the rabbit hole you go.

Investigate all the various ways you are still participating in Hope and show to yourself how Abandoning All Hope – to make the decision to develop Trust in Yourself – can be the most empowering move you can make.

Here’s a video by Matti which he made closely after Bernard discussed the word ‘Hope’ :

And here are some blogs I wrote around the same time linking in to this, when I went through tickbite fever:

http://ylaww.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-35-reversing-trust.html

http://ylaww.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-36-self-as-creator.html

Day 225: Fear of Freedom

While working on re-defining the word 'No' and in general looking at all the particular charges, layers and dimensions I had attached to the word 'No' over the years -- an interesting point opened up (well many opened up lol). This one in particular was a fear point, whereby I had created a fear towards the word 'No' in relation to 'Freedom of Choice' / 'Freedom of Expression'.

Growing up in Belgium, our country was considered to be a very 'modern' society. Part of that meant that we were 'multi-cultural' with many people living in Belgium coming from various different cultural backgrounds and religions. With this, we were taught to be 'tolerant' and `Respectful of other people's beliefs'. Only if we take on such an attitude along with one of 'minding your own business' approach - can we live 'peacefully together'.

When you're being taught all these things, it all 'sound nice' and 'seems to make sense' (because you don't necessarily want other people to question your beliefs). Afterwards in my life, especially during teenage years and later -- this 'Freedom point' and 'having to respect others' freedoms' started bothering me. This was because I would for instance ask someone for help or ask someone to assist me with something, where without their assistance i would not have been able to pursue the point, and they would simply say 'No' and when asking further as to 'why not' -- it would simply be a matter of 'because I don't want to / feel like it'. Or if I would question friends' behaviour I would get a response of 'I can't change who I am' and ' either respect and accept who I am or don't be my friend' type of response.

What I did not like about these points is that I felt powerless within these situations. I could sense something was 'off' but had these rules that we lived by such as 'respect anther's beliefs' and 'respect other people's choices/freedom' which pretty much told me that I was not allowed or supposed to ask questions any further - but leave it at that and would have to merely 'swallow' whatever response I had gotten as this was the collective agreement that had been made. It was really more of a compromise everyone had accepted to live by, where "there's going to be people doing and saying things that you don't like, but as long as you leave them alone they will leave you alone as well and then we have 'peace' ". So we're never really completely satisfied and actually disagree 'but we'll take it' -- and now we have twisted and turned this act of 'just taking it', into some 'benevolent' and 'integrity' dimension -- where it has become a 'good' and 'positive thing' to do -- while it's really just a matter of avoiding each others’ disagreements for the sake of avoiding conflict because we can't really trust each other to behave 'rationally'. So as long as we 'play nice' we do not have to be faced by and with our underlying unpleasant and irrational behaviour. So this whole 'respect another's opinion/freedom/beliefs' is really actually a negative manifestation, as it finds its origin within negativity itself -- but now we've brainwashed ourselves to believe that 'it is a good thing'.

To be continued