Day 237: Torn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the inevitable 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the call for change - both internally and externally 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that things need to change, that there is no such thing as retaining and maintaining the status quo - because the status quo is part of a dynamic movement which is a downward spiral - and to 'keep things as is' is to keep the downward spiral in place - where even though everything 'seems alright' and there's no 'apparent need for change' - it's only because of the current position I am in within the trend, like a boat on a river that is doing fine, even though the pace of the river is ever so slightly speeding up, hinting at an eventual massive waterfall. BUT because the waterfall is not yet here, it's not yet in sight - I tell myself that everything is okay, that I can ignore the changes that are hinting and indicating the inevitable. Within this placing myself in a position of friction - where I can see, but pretend to not see, want to ‘unsee’ and every moment I act in denial of the changes taking place, the friction, the inner conflict builds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the old, the familiar, the known - while at the same time seeing that holding on to the old, the familiar and the known is to my detriment -- being torn between the pain of changing and the pain of the consequences of remaining the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in letting go of the old, to change and adapt - that I would rather ‘go down with the ship’ than changing course and direction while I still can - even if the outcome of that is unknown -- the going down of the ship is known

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for consequences to manifest, to wait for a point where there is a certain level of ‘too lateness’ yet have a definitive conclusion that ‘this wasn’t the way to go’ - to only then change, by force, through circumstance, instead of me having directed me when there was still more ‘playroom’ and more options available

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that for me to take action and act on the changes of the currents, that I need to be perfectly clear inside myself, instead of seeing and realizing that I need to move and act despite the inner challenges and struggles, that the inner challenges and struggles are part of the process, part of the change, part of the ‘growing pains’

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be kind and considerate towards myself and the rifts and ripples I go through and yet to not allow these rifts and ripples to stop me from moving forward