Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Day 61: Self-Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore self-disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem self-disappointment as ‘being of the mind’ and within that use it as an excuse to dismiss/ignore it – within believing/kidding myself that I am being directed by a ‘low’/’down’ energy/mood and that I must just ‘get out of it’ and not pay much attention to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the experience of self-disappointment within believing that I am being depressed – without seeing and realising that I am feeling depressed because I am not addressing my self-disappointment and then within that further disappointing myself to the point of depression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand still within every experience I have – and truly investigate what it is about – instead of just trying to ‘brush it off’ as self-suppression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to address self-disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that self-disappointment can be real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of addressing self-disappointment, go into depression and further disappointment to a point where I am in complete aversion towards myself without looking at how I created this experience for myself – and then kid myself into believing that the depression is the problem without seeing/realising that the depression is merely an outflow/result of me knowing that I am disappointment with myself and not doing anything to get myself to a point where I am satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed with myself and believe this to just be a ‘mood swing’ with no further meaning/implication – which then leads me into depression within not addressing the point and then go into self-destructive behaviour in order to distract myself from taking responsibility for my self-disappointment which only makes things worse

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be true to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take note of self-disappointment and see/identify where I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and take self-responsibility within correcting the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within self-disappointment within the realisation that I haven’t been true to myself and within that bring myself down within ‘down energy’ which spirals out of control and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that judging myself for self-compromise with self-disappointment/regret does not in any way assist or support me but only distracts me from coming to the point of self-responsibility and changing my actions to a point where I can be satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the point of self-disappointment, go into an energetic experience/reaction towards the point as self-judgment where I want to ‘do something about it’ from an energetic starting point – where instead of being here, stable and correcting myself/taking self-responsibility – I go into a point of ‘making up’ and ‘punishing myself’ where I go into the opposite polarity / extreme and set goals/standards for myself which I can’t practically live up to and within that find myself in a strenuous position – and where when I come to the point where I realise that I didn’t and couldn’t live up to my new standard/goals – go into further self-judgment as self-victimization and failure in believing that “I am such a fuck up” – instead of seeing and realising that I had been unreasonable within myself within ‘wanting to make up for it’ where I was being too strict with myself and not allowing flexibility and so again = compromising myself. Same point, different picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into all these various dimensions/directions in relation to self-disappointment – and within these various directions/dimensions never actually get to the point but just entertain myself with another energy dimension where I go and fuck around without ever coming to the point of correction/self-responsibility which inevitably only leads to more self-compromise and self-disappointment since this trapping myself in all these various dimensions/directions is itself again self-compromise and so within that I just keep the pattern/cycle going



When and as I see myself being disappointment with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am indicating to myself that I am not yet completely satisfied with my application and that I could be more specific/effective within a particular point or points – and so I commit myself to trace back the point of disappointment so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself being disappointment with myself and dismissing/ignoring the point because there is a ‘negative energy’ attached to it and within that believing that it is “of the mind” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the ‘negative energy’ is not inherent to the point of self-disappointment but is a negative energy which has come about through self-judgment and postponement – where I did not accept and allow myself to address the point of self-disappointment IMMEDIATELY within the very moment it opened up – but instead waited, judged it and left myself to wallow in my own self-pity and then believing this energy to be a part of ‘self-disappointment’ so that I have a ‘good reason’ to ignore this self-disappointment so that I can have a ‘good reason’ to not change my ways – and so I commit myself to investigate and look at every single point of self-disappointment within me and to not just dismiss it because there’s an energy around it – and I commit myself to catch myself within those very moment that I compromise myself which will inevitably lead to self-disappointment so I can correct myself before it even happens because I know inside myself that there are those moments where I know what to do, but I don’t do it -- and I know that I will regret not doing it – but I still don’t – because I find it easier to give in to energy than sticking to principle and so I commit myself to stand by / listen to principle as that voice inside me that knows very well what requires to be done and to dismiss the energy experience of temptation

When and as I see myself being in a state of depression – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is me indicating that I am not satisfied with myself/my life /how I handle things and so I commit myself to identify the point which requires specification/alignment and get myself to change the point without any further distraction such as self-judgment / pity

When and as I see myself judging myself within being disappointed with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point judging myself as this is only me removing myself further from taking actual self-responsibility where I believe that I am taking ‘passive responsibility’ within judging myself as ‘punishment’ and believe that I can get away with my dishonest actions as long as I repent and show that I am sorry – and so I commit myself to snap myself out of self-judgment as the nasty self-sabotage trick it is – and ground myself here, within and as breath and do what needs to be done within active self-correction

When and as I see myself being disappointed with myself and go into a point of wanting to ‘make up’ / ‘compensate’ for my “evil doing” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is no solution and actually just a repetition of the exact same pattern but this time within the other polarity side of the construct which means that if I participate in this I am going to end up right where I started as I am within this compromising myself and self-compromise leads to self-disappointment and so I commit myself to when I deal with a point of self-disappointment and self-correction – double check my starting point to ensure that it is not within energy but simply a point of self-responsibility as correcting/specifying/re-aligning myself within the realisation / acknowledgement that how I did something previously was not cool and so I change/correct it


Enhanced by Zemanta
Post a Comment