Thursday, 25 October 2012

Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 
Day 89: Holding Back 

When and as I learn the news that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- and see myself reacting within excitement -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing past memories within myself which share features to the current moment, and where I upload these memories to define/shape/mould the current moment for myself as 'this is going to be fun' and so instead I commit myself to stop, breathe, be here and ground myself as my human physical body and embrace the moment here for what it is rather than placing it and limiting it within a framework of the past

When and as I learn the news that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- and see myself reacting within gloom/sadness -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing past memories within myself which share features to the current moment, and where I upload these memories to define/shape/mould the current moment for myself as 'Is the bird going to make it / fear of the bird dying' and so instead I commit myself to stop, breathe, be here and ground myself as my human physical body and embrace the moment here for what it is rather than placing it and limiting it within a framework of the past

When and as I see myself reacting to the news of a new bird within having pictures flashing in my mind of the past -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing the past and projecting it unto the future as 'possible outcomes' -- and make these memories of the past my expectations of the future, wherein I limit myself, my awareness, and expression to 'what I already know' based on past memories/experiences -- where if something would happen which does not 'fit in' with my expectations based on past memories, I will be unable to 'cope' and 'deal' with the situation as I have placed myself in a limited position where I depend on the past to tell me what to do and so instead I commit myself to assess each single moment individually, anew, fresh and trust myself to act within practical common sense based on what is here

When and as I see myself reacting to the presence of a new bird within accessing past memories of past birds -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that if I participate with this 'new' bird from a starting point of my relationship with 'past' birds, I am not actually interacting/participating with the bird I am currently, physically faced with -- but only an idea, projection which I have layered unto the bird which renders me incapable of actually seeing and working the bird as who she/he really is, here, in the moment -- as I am too busy filtering every movement, sound, image of the bird through the past and uploading past experiences which I copy/paste unto the current moment and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of the past as memories and energetic experiences, and move myself to simply be here, with the bird, unconditionally -- stopping any thoughts, pictures, memories, energies as they pop up / get triggered

When and as I see myself accessing an experience/feeling of 'hope' when seeing/interacting the new birdie -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am still holding on to my past relationship with TweeTweet and where I wish to reconstruct this relationship -- within that not considering that this is a different bird, and thus will never fit my idea/expectation based on how things were with TweeTweet, and will only cause frustration if I hold on to them -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of TweeTweet and work with the new bird (we named her by the way, the name is "Puf" ) moment by moment, breath by breath with no strings attached

When and as I see myself going into a mode of being 'reserved' when seeing / participating with Puf -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am operating based on input and output, where I see Puf which is identical in physical appearance to TweeTweet -- and within 'matching' these two pictures, I upload all the information within me as past experiences with TweeTweet -- and where I remember how things ended with TweeTweet and then base my relationship with Puf based on the information as stored memories in relation to TweeTweet within me -- where I want to change/mould my behaviour as being open/expressive to being reserved, within the belief that this will 'protect me' if the bird dies. And so I commit myself to within that moment of catching the 'reservedness', to stop, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body within breath and allow myself to unconditionally let go of the past and be here with Puf without hauling in the past

When and as I see myself go into a mode of 'holding back' when seeing / interacting with Puf -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the possibility of him/her dying soon due to the young age and general uncertainty of physical health and fears of the past repeating itself is not an acceptable reason as to why I should hold back / deny myself openeness -- as these are merely justifications/excuses which I use to hide behind so as to not having to walk beyond my self accepted limitations as living in fear of loss and so I commit myself to not allow these factors to impede my participating/interaction with Puf and move myself to be here within every moment of breath and make the best out of every moment


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