Monday, 29 October 2012

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would for a moment cry and be sad -- to not stop when I moved through the release, but instead go and deliberately go and 'dig up' memories within myself with all the 'good times' we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I could continue crying and be sad instead of stopping when I saw that I was done with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and be sad and cry for a moment -- to not stop when I saw I was done being sad/crying -- but instead use this event/occurrence as an opportunity to have a 'pity party' with myself, where I deliberately use emotionally-laden memories in connection to the animal that passed away to bubble up emotions inside myself and have a cry/pity party -- where I go through all the events in my life where I felt powerless and a victim and tell myself how hard my life sucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and crying -- to not stop when I saw I was done, but instead use this moment to go 'overboard' and push my energetic/emotional levels up and use the death of the animal as an excuse/justification to be an emotional wreck, because I saw that this type of behaviour would not be 'out of line' considering the event that just happened, and that thus no-one would come and bother me about it, they would even come and comfort me from time to time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and cry about it for a moment, and then to be able to continue being sad I would dig up memories deliberately that were positively loaded -- to not have stopped myself when looking at what I was doing and seeing that it was 'off' in the sense that I felt that I was cheating the animal that just died, because I wasn't in fact crying or mourning about the actual animal/being that just died -- but instead I was using the memories in which they featured to conjure up an emotional experience and use their death as an excuse to become an emotional, directionless, sobbing 'blob' and give in to self-pity which had been accumulated throughout my life but which I suppressed and never gave direction -- so I could for a moment release my feelings of self-pity within the misguided context of 'mourning' so that I would never give these experiences and how they came about a second thought, and so set myself up to release for a moment, to then be able to accumulate/recharge myself once again with emotions of self-pity throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when finding myself a bit sad for a moment, in terms of acknowledging the fuckedupness of our world -- but where this was only for a few seconds and did not feel like I was going to cry -- where I judged myself as being a 'bad person' for not crying and tried to guilt trip myself into going back to digging up emotional-laden memories to make myself cry so I wouldn't feel bad about not feeling bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/judgment/belief about what one has to do in relation to the death of someone -- where I believe one should cry as a token to show that you cared about the being that died, where consequently I within that also created the idea/belief/judgment that if someone does not cry about the death of another, that this means/implies that they did not care and are kind of psychopathic

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that crying about someone dying does not necessarily have to mean that this shows that they 'cared' as I have seen for myself that my emotional cry burst-outs had nothing to do with the being that died but was a manipulation technique to suit my own selfish ends
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