Sunday, 21 October 2012

Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again!

This blog is related to:
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine 

Day 85: No More Grudges 

As I was writing out my blog yesterday, two memories popped up in relation to the point I was working on.

The first one, was in relation to taking things personal and wanting to get 'payback' for my experience. Specifically, how I saw how I would 'mentally' put people on my 'blacklist' / 'blackbook' as a reminder that those people deserve payback.

When I was small and I just started being able to write, I kept a little colouring book in my drawer. In this colouring book, I would keep a list of all the people I would never talk to again, as a way to 'get back' at them.

This list mostly consisted of my family members and maybe some people at school.

I would for instance get really angry at my brother or sister, where something happened and I felt embarrased/ridiculed -- and then I would get all red in the face and say "I'm never going to speak to you again!!!" I would then run up the stairs to my room, take out my little bookie and write their name on the list.

To my "surprise", I would usually find their name already being written at the bottom of the list, upon which I only got angries because that meant that at some point in the past they had already 'done something unto me', where I told myself as was not ever going to talk to them again in response to that -- and that I had forgotten about it / did not stick to my commitment of not talking to them again -- which then obviously showed that my little 'technique' wasn't working at all and was completely useless. I would however still write their name down and move on with my day.

Then, for instance 15 min later, I would walk down the stairs and pass my brother who was busy on the pc, asking me what the time was -- and I'd reply something like "It's 3.15". He'd then get a grin on his face and go "HA-HA" (kind of like Nelson in the Simpsons) -- and then what just happened would dawn upon me: I just talked to him!

I'd get angry instantly, and go "I HATE YOU!!!!" -- while obviously I was angry at myself because I was embarrased that I'd just broken the promise that I was never going to talk to him again, which showed to be a ridiculous thing to do as I couldn't practically set myself up to never talk to my brother again, as we lived in the same household and I actually quite liked him / spend time with him in general.

What's also interesting was that I had actually forgotten all about the even 15 min after it happened, where I was just normal within walking down the stairs and telling him the time, until he pointed out that I just broke my own promise. Which means that in essense, whatever happened was never really a big deal, but that how I decided to deal with was just not a practical way of dealing with things, which then backfired at myself.

Within this memory 'popping up', it was also interesting to see how previously when working on my other blogs, and the point of 'putting people in my blackbook' opened up -- that I actually really used to do this, in terms of writing out their names as "I'm never going to speak to you again". Where this 'technique' proved to be innefective, and as I got older, I perfected my technique my 'blacklisting' them inside my mind, as making a mental note for later in the future to take any opportunity that I can to make them feel bad -- which actually worked in contrast to "not ever speaking to someone again". Obviously, it didn't "actually" work -- where yes, I got my revenge/payback but the actual point as the source/origin of my problems as how I experienced myself was never sorted out, as this never had anything to do with them.

The other memory which 'popped up', was in relation to the point/belief that other people cause/create experiences inside ourselves.

Here, I had dreamt that my sister had killed my guinea pig, and I was completely devastated and angry that she had killed him. I woke up right after the dream, and the first thing I saw as I opened my eyes, was my sister sleeping on the other side of the room. And I remember squeezing my eyes together and thinking "You bitch, you killed my guinea pig-- you are going to pay for this". Where I believed that because I dreamt that she had killed my guinea pig, that it was 'as if' she actually killed my guinea pig -- which was obviously not true. For the next few days, I would be distant around my sister and squeeze my eyes at her from time to time to show that point of "I remember what you did..." So here, what this experience/event actually shows, is that people DO NOT cause/create experience inside oneself -- as my dream clearly indicated. Because at that time it was quite clear that dreams are my own creation, as in they exist isolated in my mind, and so whatever happens there and whatever I experience -- is of my own doing/creation. But instead of using this event as an opportunity to see/realise that any experience inside myself is of my own doing -- I used it as another/excuse justification as to why it is 'okay' and 'justifiable' for me to hate my sister -- and thus why it is 'okay' and 'justifiable' to blame other people and not take self-responsibility for one's inner reality.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow
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