Thursday, 14 February 2013

Day 181: Crucified between Past and Future: Re-Defining Anxiety

I’m going through the blogs I’ve written so far within my Journey to Life and identifying words to re-define as part of this process.

A bunch of my first blogs were in relation to fear and anxiety:

In this blog I want to take on the word ‘Anxiety’ as this has been a word that I’ve experienced many times in my life – if not continuously in the past.

So : Anxiety

Dictionary definition:
noun, plural anx·i·e·ties.
distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.
earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.
Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder

In my life I’ve mostly experience anxiety as a fear paired with much pain and tension in my solar plexus – where in the end the very flesh of my tummy actually hurts from all the built up fear. The fear was always related to something in the future where I fear being in a particular situation and imagining worst case scenarios – I never really investigated it. – it was just there and it was annoying – so within that ‘not knowing what to do with this experience’ there was definitely a negative charged attached to this word.

Sounding of the word:
Eng (Dutch for ‘scarcy’) Sight I see (Scary Sight I see)

The ‘An’ / ‘Ang’ part of the word Anxiety reminds me of Angling – and the ‘X’ I see as a cross / crossing/cross point between past and future – where in the moment of anXiety you are angling with a hook, where you first throw your line backwards, hooking into the past and then throw it forward: into the future. Within that you’re never here, but always moving from past to future where X is that crossing point which is also in the middle of the word ‘anXiety’. This ‘back and forth’ sort of movement is also a point of conflict/friction where you’re buzzing while being pulled both into the past and future – which can be seen as being ‘crucified’ between the past and the future.

In terms of the fear component in Anxiety, fear I’ve found has often to do with merely a point of not understanding – where often I find myself fearing something but when it is then explained to me specifically and I understand it (like say an experience), then the fear goes away.

So here I would look at Anxiety as throwing fears from the past where I was not understanding / realising how to cope with something and projecting/throwing these into the future as expectations where I fear/dread being in such situations again

So a new definition for anxiety could be where one is participating within a concern based on the past - where a point was not clearly understood / missed in terms of effectively working with/through which generated a sense of confusion turned into fear - and whereby one is fishing these past concerns up and throwing them into the future - and where one within this experience of conflict is unable to clearly evaluate and assess the situation and give self direction – and thus one would be required to identify/investigate the point which requires clarification in terms of not understanding so self can upgrade one’s understanding and stand effectively within the point which generated anxiety

So now it’s not a matter anymore of ‘shit I am experiencing anxiety – I want to avoid what I fear’ – but to instead see the experience of anxiety as merely a line of information coming up in a particular moment which requires to be read (as the new definition) and to correct/re-align oneself according to this information which presented itself within that moment as a tool/guideline towards Self-Perfection.
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