Sunday, 12 June 2011

Arguments within Agreements

The first year that I was in an Agreement with Gian, our Agreement revolved around one thing: Self-Forgiveness. Most of our discussion ended up in misunderstanding, disagreements and fights.
When we’d both cool down and look at each person’s “side of the story” – we could see where the other was coming from and “where it all went wrong”. It’s amazing how assumptions, opinions and ideas can create this whole “alternate universe” right then and there as your having a conversation with your partner – and your partner is also participating in his or her own “alternate universe” and none of the two are actually participating in the only universe that matters, the physical one right here.Argueee
So the first year (more year and a half) – we applied Self-Forgiveness, a lot of it. This was exactly because of these ‘alternate realties’ we’d create inside ourselves and then project unto the other person. Only after we went through this phase – the deconstruction phase – we were able to actually start communicating and hearing each other. And the Self-Forgiveness we did, was never about the other person – we’d simply each time take the point back to ourselves, apply Self-Forgiveness and then that’s that.

In the beginning we were very easily tempted to “point out each other’s dishonesties” and to “stand up” (well play out an ‘idea’ of what it means to “stand up”) but then all we’d do was point fingers at each other, get angry / hurt and not get one foot further. See, in the initial stage of an Agreement, there’s just no way that you can immediately effectively assist the other by “pointing things out” because you’ve got so much shit of yourself that is filtering and moulding your perception of the other – that you never get a clear picture of what is actually going on – and that most likely, your just projecting your own shit. So once you realise this point – you’re ready to get somewhere lol.
 
Before I was in the Agreement I am currently in with Gian, I thought that I was pretty stable and was easily able to assist myself in terms of dealing with my inner world. Because of that, I had created an idea about myself that “I was pretty stable” and that thus the Agreement should go pretty smooth. Boy, was I wrong! LOL – all those ‘issues’ and ‘points’ that I had worked through in my Process while walking ‘alone’ suddenly looked very bleak and small compared to what I was facing within the Agreement. Sometimes it looked like the end just wouldn’t come in sight and every day was just a struggle within myself to get through the day without getting each other all agitated. But whatever happened , we just stuck to the basics: breathe, forgive, don’t give up.
And then, one day it suddenly hit me: I’m not struggling anymore.
Our agreement was effortless.
So whenever you find yourself in an Argument with your Partner take note to a) Not take it personal (god, if you do this, you’ll make things very hard for yourself) and b) to realise – that mostly when you are having an Argument, YOU’RE BOTH WRONG!!!.
The moment you see /realize that you (and your partner) are wrong, you’ll find that it’s very easy to stop and give up the argument because you’re not fighting to be proven right = there’s suddenly nothing to win and then all of a sudden your actual starting point within the fight will be clear for both parties to investigate (mostly just ‘I am right, you are wrong, lemme steal your energy so I can feel goooooood).

Ok that’s it for now.
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