Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?

Yesterday as I was busy posting one of my blogs, the internet was very slow which resulted in fuckups with how I wanted to place the pictures in my blog. I wanted to check how the preview would look to make sure the pictures were the right size and the button didn’t want to work so I went *click-click-click-click-click-click* with my mouse, to no avail. I then let out a deep, deep, loud sight to “express” my dissatisfaction with the slow internet.

As I started the sigh and let it out – I noticed how completely weird this action actually was – because within that moment of sighing, my whole body became heavy as if a heavy weight was pressing down on me, and my whole mood shifted ‘downwards’. Was does this tell me? This tells me the slow internet is not the problem, but how I behave myself in relation to what happens on my computer, as the slow internet. I was the one going *click-click-click-click-click* -- I was the one sighing – and I was the one who within the sigh induced an experience of dissatisfaction and being annoyed/irritated.

I noticed I had done this sigh thing quite a few times over the past few days, especially in the evening when it is getting ‘late’ and where I just want to get done with my stuff so that I can go sleep and not be too tired the next day. This anticipation of ‘I must go sleep soon, otherwise I’m going to be tired tomorrow’ as the belief of ‘I mustn’t go sleep too late’ is really in essence a fear. So within the next few blogs I want to take on the point of sighing as a point of deliberate self-sabotage and self-manipulation into self-pity and then afterwards take on the point of “mustn’t go sleep too late”.

Enhanced by Zemanta
Post a Comment