Sunday, 11 November 2012

Day 107: Showing my True Colours

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 106: Regret 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear upon seeing the pups in the box, where I saw that it was not cool that these pups are here in a box with no food, no water – and that this situation obviously requires direction, where upon looking at what to do next and how things might possibly play out – I went into fear of what my parents will say about me taking the pups home to show them and see what we can do for them and feared it being a problem on the train where I didn’t want to get into trouble

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a point of stuckness when seeing that the train and my parents could be a possible problem/obstacle – where I looked at the intensity of the fear and the intensity of wanting to help the pups – and then decided that the fear had ‘more weight’ than me wanting to help the pups, and so I decided to walk away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to when I was looking at how to ‘take it from here’, have reacted to the possible point of the train and my parents being a problem – where I reacted to the person who checks the people on the train as being ‘authoritative’, and my parents as being ‘authoritative’ where their decision is the ‘final one’ where I did not trust myself to give a common sensical explanation to either one of them and then based on that decided for myself that it was ‘not worth it’ and ‘I shouldn’t bother’ because I did not want to place myself in a position faced with authority figures and ‘going against them’ and not being confident

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided that it was not worth for me to walk through and face my fears in order to be certain that the pups had been given direction and went to a safe place – where instead I decided to hold on to fear as self-limitation and walk away from the pups, walk away from the certainty that they will be okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within that moment have chosen self-interest as holding on to fear as fear of self-change – where I did not want to move out of my comfort zone for the sake of others' wellbeing, but instead chose to not change, and take the chance of the pups being worse off than what they already were

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attempted to sooth the shame within, where I would ‘build my case’ inside myself as thoughts/backchat, where I would think things like “Someone else will probably find them and take care of them”, so that I could justify my decision of walking away and distracting myself from the point of not wanting to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only afterwards change my mind, where I was feeling bad and based on the ‘feeling bad’ decided that I should check up on them – where I went to check where they had previously been and they were gone – where I first went “Oh shit” but then told myself, “Naaah, you see, someone took care of them, they’ll be alright” – while I actually did not have a clue what happened but just gave myself the answer that would make me feel the best about myself and make me forget about the event all together – where everything was seemingly ‘okay’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of facing authority override common sense practicality and care – where I rather jeopardized the lives of other rather than having to face myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within that moment, my true face was shown – where I cared more about fear and maintaining self-limitation than Life


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