Sunday, 18 November 2012

Day 114: Food & The Religion of Self - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 112: Food Preferences - Body or Mind? 
Day 113: Food & The Religion of Self - Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was sitting in the kitchen and making / having lunch and experiencing intense overall disgust towards my sister while the smell of cucumber was around -- have connected the cucumber as being an inherent part of my sister since this was one of the foods she regularly ate -- and within that redirected my experience of hate/disgust towards cucumber -- where from then on, each time I would smell or taste cucumber, I would experience an intense experience of disgust towards the cucumber and want to puke it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a complete zoned out zombie robot that simply takes in all the various stimuli in the environment and connects it to the image and experience I have before me -- and lock in the various senses to the image and experience, where these are now closely interconnected within myself so that each time of one these features pops up in my reality, I reload the memory within myself and experience the same energy as emotion/thought/feeling as I did then

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever before connect my experience of the disgust towards the cucumber to the memory of experiencing disgust towards my sister -- after all, I was there when it happened yet I accepted and allowed myself to be completely unaware of my inner experience and inner workings of the mind, where I take each experience on 'face value' without questioning it -- where I end up believing things such as "I hate cucumber" without ever questioning where this experience/opinion comes from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because an experience is 'intense' -- that it must be real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the 'disgust' I experience within smelling and tasting cucumber, is coming DIRECTLY from the cucumber and that I have no part, no say in this experience whatsoever

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to 'connect the dots' before -- where when I looked at it the other day, the experience back then towards my sister and the experience towards the cucumber was a 'perfect match' -- where I never made the connection between the two and believed these to be separate points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the cucumber the object of my hate and disgust, even long after my relationship with my sister changed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been reluctant to teach myself to eat cucumber, within the belief that 'this is just the way it is' and within that in fact being reluctant to change 'who I am' as 'who I believe myself to be', where "I hate / don't like cucumber" was just another 'trait' that I made my own that I did not want to give up, because I saw it as being specific to 'who I am' and 'what makes me, me'
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