Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when something is not working as I expect it -- where things are not going smooth and fast -- get upset at reality not matching my expectation and within that feel that reality is being unfair towards me as my mind, and where I want to show my discontent with reality by letting out a big, fat, sigh -- and within that saying 'Hear me sigh! Look at what you are doing to me! Why are you placing me in this position? It's not fair -- you are wrong and I am right, conform to my ideas goddammit!'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever question the expression of 'sighing' -- believing that it is just something we do to
'release steam' and within that not actually look and investigate what it is that moves through me within the moment of sighing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise, that sighing is not a point of 'releasing some steam', but is actually quite the opposite as a from of 'protest', where one acknowledge that nothing can be done about what one is doing / dealing with, but where self wants to show/indicate that even though self is going to work with it, it doesn't mean that self agrees -- and will thus 'put up a fight' within assuming an uncooperative attitude towards what self is doing and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is not that something or someone is being uncooperative in relation to me which is making me go into discontent and producing a sigh -- but it is me stating within sighing that I am going to take on an uncooperative stance towards whatever it is I am dealing with and thus my experience has got nothing to do with that which I am working with but who I allow myself to be within a given situation and how I decide to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to express my discontent in the face of whatever I perceive as being 'uncooperative' -- without seeing and realising that me sighing and myself taking on a stance of non-cooperation is merely me sabotaging myself and moving myself to work effectively with what is here, where I distract myself with the belief that things 'shouldn't be this way' and within that set myself up in a rigid position to show my resistance and protest, but where I end up only working against myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is perfectly normal for myself and other people to sigh when things are not going the way we/I expect them to go, believing this to be a 'normal' and 'innocent' expression -- not ever questioning where such expressions come from or who one is within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am faced with something that is not going the way I would like it to go, as for instance the internet being slow which would require me to slow down as well -- to deliberately let out a sigh and induce an experience of 'heaviness' and ' a weight pushing down on me' whilst at the same time deluding myself within believing that this experience is being caused by the point I perceive as 'not going the way I want it to go' while I am the one deciding to experience myself within this manner within the deliberate decision of formulating and letting out a big, fat sigh, as some weird form of 'protest'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me sighing and being all rigid is not going to miraculously change the situation to how I would like it to be -- where I actually only make things worse for myself within not just dealing with what is here and adjusting my course of action and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to 'force' reality to work 'my way' and conform to an idea in my mind as 'how things should be' -- not seeing and realising that I have no such magnificent mind powers where a single sigh can 'change the tide' and 'make things go my way'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sigh when things aren't going 'my way' -- where I am not allowing myself to be flexible and adapt to what is here and find another way to deal with whatever there is to be dealt with, but instead want to 'hold on' to how I believe things should be even though all the evidence is against me, showing me that how I want things to be isn't how it is, and thus what I am doing is completely ineffective and counterproductive as I am wasting my time -- where with the slow internet I didn't just wait or go somewhere with a better internet connection, but instead went 'click-click-click-click-click WORK GODDAMMIT" -- where it should have been obvious that after a few clicks that what I was trying to achieve was not working and was not going to happen, but where instead of changing my approach I only became more stubborn and upset -- and in essence: throwing a tantrum

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sigh as a form of audible complaint, where I want others to hear me and pity me withing being in a position where apparently 'things are against' -- where I want the other thing or person to change for what I want to achieve to work, instead of me changing and adapting -- merely indicating to me how stuck I am within the belief and religion of myself as 'how things should be' and 'who I am' and my limit of cooperation towards myself and others -- where I just want everything to be nice and easy, and the moment things become rough or I have to change my course of action: I become upset and want to protest -- because "how dare this thing or person get in my way? I have the right to be all comfy! I have the right to the path of least resistance! I have the right to be a single minded and not flexible in how I approach things! Poooooooor meeeeeeeee!"

To be continued
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