Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique

 This blog is a continuation to:
Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that crying is weak, shameful and should not be done in public where other people can see you -- because then they will think badly of you

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents in whatever they say -- within the sheer blind trust that they know still world better than I do, and so are fit to instruct me in 'the ways of the world' and that I need to know things like 'crying is weak, shameful and not done in public'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my mother said to stop crying 'because everyone's watching you', to have stopped and looked around and saw that at least one of the people on the street met my eyes, and went "shit, maybe she's right"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that it happens often tha tif you walk on the street and there are other people that your eyes will meet and that this does not have to mean anything in terms of "people are looking at you crying, better stop because they are thinking badly of you, you should be ashamed"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection within my mind between the act of crying and 'weak', 'shameful' and 'not in public'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated each time my mother would pull the "Stop crying because everyone's watching you card", because I knew it didn't make sense but it made me feel bad and so I would stop crying / making a scene

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have associated a negativ energy charge to the point of crying, where my mother was able to use this against me to make me stop, as the moment she would point out that I am crying and should stop because everyone's watching me, I would immediately be infused with a sense of shame and weakness, and then follow my mom to our destination in defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at my mother for using my emotions against me, without seeing and realising that this could only be done through my permission within allowing emotion and feelings to roam free within me with no direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a habit of hiding when crying or suppressing my tears, where I believe it is weak to cry in front of other people and that they will believe that I am weak and think bad things about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted my mother's argument as valid simply because she used to concept of 'people will think badly of you' and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people might think badly of you' is a good reason as to why one should refrain from doing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing anything where other people may think badly of you is a 'no no'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother have used negative and positive reinforcement to get the child to behave the way I want it to behave -- where the child was crying / making a scene / throwing a tantrum and there were people on the street looking at us and what we were doing, where I wanted this to stop as soon as possible because I do not want people to think that I am a bad mother that makes a child cry, and so in fear I took refuge in using negative reinforcement and said "Stop crying! Don't you know everyone's looking at YOU" -- where I knew this would create an instant bad feeling within the child and make it stop doing what it is doing, where I used my own fear as fear of people thinking badly of me and re-directed it to the child to get it to behave how I want -- without for a moment considering how such an action and words may affect the child long term

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where neither parent nor child have freaking clue of WHAT IS GOING ON within the world and INSIDE ONESELF -- where the child is just groping around and trying to make sense of the world, trusting the parent -- and where the parent has by now realised that the world does not make sense and kind of sucks but behaves in a way as if it knows how things work to present an illusion of 'authority' while all the while both are equally clueless -- with no support structure in place in the world anywhere, in any way whatsoever about effective parenting


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