Another One Bites the Dust & God is An Evil Fucker

Few days back Cerise found another Nestling that the cats had caught. It didn't look like it got hurt by the cats and seemed to be quite 'lively'.

Those so far have been the 'two requirements' for little birdies to Survive.

If they get bitten by a cat -  no matter how lethal the bite itself - the bird dies due to the bacteria the cats carry in their saliva. Which is pretty damn stupid - the smallest puncture and they're fucked.

'Liveliness' is a requirement because some birds just go into complete trauma and depression after we take them in. We don't just 'take-in' little birdies - it always happens after an event - whether being kicked out by the parents, caught by cats etc. When they go into trauma & shock = they do not want to eat, they do not want to move. If you push them they just fall to the side and stay there - completely giving up on life. We talk to the birdies, saying that it doesn't have to be this way and that it's all just in their head. They decide whether they want to live or not - it's really simple = you eat or you die. Sometimes they 'get over-it' but most of the time they don't.

So back to this birdie - it was lively & seemed healthy so I was hopeful that this one was 'going to make it'. Usually if they're not going to make it they die the same day, that night or the day after.

We checked what type of Bird it was and it turned out too also be a Flycatcher like TweetTweet (Fiscal Flycatcher that we've had since beginning of November) - they are pretty resilient to trauma and can be very stubborn and aggressive. So because of the birdie being a Flycatcher - African Paradise Flycatcher to be precise - I thought everything was pointing to the 'right direction'.

I had to 'force-feed' the birdie the first day though - get my nail in-between the bill, get it open and shove some soaked cat-food pellet pieces down its throat (it's an Insect Eater and this cat-food has about the right proportion of protein and fat for Birds, fascinatingly enough). The next day it was looking much 'better' and making lots of sounds and weaning for food. While I was inspecting the bird though, there seemed to be something wrong underneath its right wing. It looked like a fleecy type of thing - I first thought that maybe the Cats had made a rip in the skin and that the lung or something was exposed. Then later I saw that it was like that around its entire belly on that same side. I did some research and it basically came down to that sometimes when cats get to the birdies, the birdie gets punctured and air leaks underneath the skin. This then gets all blown up and the birdie gets prone to infection.

The birdie was now eating 3-4 times more than the grown-up Flycatcher and it just seemed to keep on wanting more and more - even after dark. It was almost like it just wanted to keep on having more 'fuel' and that it was running out of it quickly. I also noticed that the birdie was shaking now - so it was probably trying to fight off an infection - metabolism going overdrive.

He survived that night and in the morning after horses I fed it and kept it on my belly, enclosed in my hands, keeping it nice and warm. After two hours it seemed to be doing better - no more shaking and not asking for food anymore that much. I thought maybe the birdie should rest a bit, so I put him in the little shoebox that we'd prepared for him and kept him in and then he started acting weird - opening its wings and just lying there. I saw that I had done everything I could and it was now just a matter of time. So I went back to sleep as it was still quiet early. An hour or so later I woke up, I checked the box - and there it was, not begging for food anymore - body still = the birdie was dead. I asked Gian to take care of the Birdie (throw it away) and after he left the room I started crying. For three days I had kept the birdie with me constantly, everywhere I went, I took the birdie with me to make sure that it would get food whenever it needed and that it would stay nice and warm [except during horses, then he'd sleep in the box]. I played with him and talked to him and now he was suddenly dead - again.

The entire Design is so fucked up - these birdies almost don't stand a chance. The moment the slightest thing goes wrong - a bit too cold, a bit too hungry, a bit too much trauma, the slightest injury = they die.

It's so completely fucked up beyond imagination and no-one seems to notice it. Today I watched a piece of documentary on Hummingbirds and there again - the Fucked up Design of Nature exposed. The only thing they do is live from Day to Day - if they do not consume half of their body weight in Nectar [+1000 flowers] and in addition to that, enough bugs for protein = they simply die. Even when they're not flying their heartbeat can race at 600 beats per minute. And it's for this exact same reason that these birds are aggressive. If they find a flower they will want to protect it and keep it from other because their Survival depends on it  [recognize this behavior somewhere?] - sometimes they simply die during the night, during their sleep because their 'fuel' ran out.

If God really existed - then he was either an Evil Fucker or a Complete Retard - to allow such fucked-up designs in Existence. Then again - we are the creators of this Existence so what does that tell about us?

Freedom

A Week back or so we "found" these two birdies here. We had to remove their nest from the roof because the workers were busy welding pipes and the nest almost caught fire.

They weren't very happy with the situations and were constantly flying around and trying to get out of their cage. When we would let them out they would just fly and hoover around and they'd get chased by TweetTweet (a Flycatcher who's about 2-3 times their size).

We decided not to let them out anymore because all the chasing around made them very nervous. [When they were hungry they'd fly up to TweetTweet and beg her for food, thinking she's their mother - she would just grab their legs and try to pull their legs off....]

We also decided that once they started eating seeds and drink water [we fed them very watery pro nutro]- we'd let them go because then they'd be able to survive outside - and getting outside seemed to be the only thing they cared about.

So then one day I'm sitting by my desk and see that they finally started eating & drinking and that they were looking quite strong. I tell Gian and a few moments later we let them fly out. It was quite a windy day and they were struggling quite a bit to fly, but after a few minutes they were out of our sights.

A bit later I'm sitting by my desk, where I have a view through my window to the BirdFeeder and the Birds that go there. I see that there's a group of Birds that fly away with each sound / movement - except for this one little birdie. So I take the binoculars and take a look, and it's one of the two birdies we let go. He looked a bit lost and upset - bewildered - not knowing what to do. I took note of it but left it at that.

An hour after we let them go, I went up to the new building, and when I came back I saw that the two birdies were sitting by our window from our room, trying to get in.

All this time that they've been in our room, they were all about "Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!" and now that we had let them out, they were all about 'Let me In! Let me In! Let me In!"

They thought that they'd find "freedom" when getting out of their cage, out of our room - but the freedom that they found wasn't freedom at all. Out there, there was only Survival - not exactly the "Freedom" they'd been looking for.

We were able to get the youngest one back, and is currently living with us. The eldest one would come flying down to us but then go back into the trees. After a while he we couldn't hear him anymore (when we'd whistle  they'd both respond with a short 'tweet' - that's how we would find them when we couldn't see them).

Lol - the moment we got the youngest one in the cage, it stuffed itself with food and fell asleep from exhaustion. This was just ONE HOUR of being outside 'in the wild'.

The Idea and Picture that everyone has of Nature is so deceptive - as if it is this 'Beautiful' Thing - and 'if only we could be a bit more like Nature & The Animals'. The truth is that Nature and The Animal Kingdom are a reflection of our Nature, of Human Nature. The Survival you see in Nature is the same Survival you see within Human Society. It's Cruel & Deceptive.

This just shows the extent of how we have fucked up this entire reality in each and every single way possible- that deception has seeped through every particle of existence. It's time to Stop.

Expanding Responsibility

About a month ago, Cerise purchased some DVD’s over the internet on Hoof Rehabilitation for Horses. Before, a few of us would do a little hoof trimming ‘on the side’ – meaning – the farrier  and his boys would come every 4 to 6 weeks and trim the horses their feet down, and after that we would do bits of maintenance trims (in my case mostly taking flares down).

Watching these new DVD’s though, gave a whole new perspective on the anatomy of a horse’s hoof and the dynamics involved. Taking in this new information and looking at our current farrier and his methods, I realised that he is actually just harming the horses. If I looked at the problems Charlie has had with his hoofs – they would re-occur after each trim, and whenever the farrier came, for the next week his hoofs would be very sensitive and soar.
  

I wasn’t too happy with this realisation because it came down to me having to make a decision.

a)      I let our current farrier trim Charlie’s hooves knowing that he is actually just harming him

b)      I educate myself and take full responsibility for Charlie’s hooves and no longer depend on a farrier.

The reason why I wasn’t ‘too happy’ with the realisation I had, was that I now knew that the farrier was harming the horse’s hoof and thus I could not just “ignore” this and let the point of ‘hooves’ be something the farrier takes care of – something that the farrier must deal with on his next visit, and I can just ‘wash my hands off’ this point and distance myself - because ‘it’s not my area’, ‘I don’t deal with this’, ‘it’s his problem’...

With this new knowledge it became my problem though and it was up to me to do something about it. So I started studying the DVD’s and slowly started trimming Charlie’s hooves.

Then a week later or so, Cerise came in my room saying that the farrier was gonna be here nownow and that it was up to me if I wanted to take Charlie down. 

My first thought was that I should bring him down to get a trim, ‘to be on the safe side’. On the safe side from the perspective of ‘what if I did anything wrong’, ‘what if I am fucking my horse up’ – ‘let the guy just do his job, this is his area of expertise’. But then I also knew that if I let him trim my horse it would undo everything I’ve done so far and that I’d have to start over from scratch. So it came down to a point of trust – to allow myself to trust myself and stick to my common sense.

My only point of certainty was that I knew that the traditional method of trimming was harming the horse and that what was being in explained in the DVD’s made a whole lot of sense.

So I decided not to bring Charlie down.

This for me was a very hard decision because it somehow felt that I was ‘letting go’ of being able to depend on the farrier and that it was now all up to me. I also knew that he wouldn’t agree with this way of trimming (this was clear from past conversations on the topic where he would disagree with certain styles of trimming) and kind of ‘wanted to be nice’ and ‘stick to his method’ and from that perspective ‘just let him trim Charlie’ – not wanting any conflict or confrontation of any kind.


I also in a way didn’t see myself fit to take care of Charlie’s hooves - seeing him as ‘more than’ due to his profession being that of a farrier – you know, hooves is what he does – and me only being into horse stuff quiet recently, and learning new things – thinking that he as ‘the established knowledge’  might see me as a dumb, spoiled, stupid, girl that doesn’t know what she’s doing (which is all just self-judgment and pre-conceived I ideas I have about myself as being inadequate)


I went down anyway to assist with the horses that were being done because some of the people weren’t on the farm. As they were busy doing the hooves I observed and was quite satisfied with my decision of not letting them do Charlie. When Polo (horse) was done I left.

Afterwards Rozelle came to me in my room saying that they almost did Charlie’s feet but that they told them not to do it. She then also said that the farrier disagreed with the way I was trimming and that according to him I was harming the horse and that if I was to continue he didn’t want to work on my horse every again.

So there big fear and anxiety came up – for me this confirmed my anticipation that he wouldn’t agree and that if I was going to trim Charlie myself, I wouldn’t be able to ‘fall back’ on the farrier if I wanted.


 I started looking at all the different possibilities of what he might have been referring to that I might have done wrong, that could end up in me having done harm unto Charlie. I re-watched the videos, rechecked all the documentation to see where I could’ve done something wrong. The only point that I could see was that I might had ‘done wrong’ – was that I had taken down his hoof a bit too much. 

I did self-forgiveness that day out loud on self-trust and fear of making mistakes and fucking Charlie up.  But I was still very anxious about his feet and the ‘possible harm’ that might come from what I had done (abscesses or bruises or pain in general). I resisted going to the horses and taking care of Charlie because all I could think of was his hooves and me having fucked them up. Each time I would go up to him I would immediately check his feet to make sure that everything was still ‘right’ and that he was still standing (lol I even imagined his hooves having fallen off and him laying on the ground). I’d also want to get away from Charlie has soon as possible because I wanted to ‘get away’ from this uncomfortable point. The fear was quite extensive.

I then realised what I was doing, and that I was actually neglecting Charlie in a way as if he was something ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ because of his hooves and the new responsibility that came along with it. It reminded me of the day when I first got Charlie, I was so scared and afraid of him because I was afraid of the amount of responsibility involved. This being was fully dependent on me and that was it.  When I realised that point – I stopped – and I embraced the responsibility, just as I had done before when I got him.

Later that day I looked again at everything, and I picked up one of the hooves that was trimmed by the farrier and that hoof was looking worse than Charlie’s. Meaning that his argument against the way Charlie’s foot was trimmed was invalid, because if that was the case – it could also be applied to the way he was trimming hooves ( I feared I had taken the hoof down too much – yet the other horses their hooves were cut flat – the harm he was speaking of might as well happen to them).

So I set all my nervousness and anxieties aside and allowed myself to trust myself once more. Charlie’s feet are looking good and I am satisfied that I can maintain his feet on my own. I know that this is a step in the unknown but this is a point of responsibility that was going to have to be taken either way.  I know I might make mistakes, but I also know that I will get right eventually. And I’ve got Cerise who is also joining me in this ‘new journey’ of taking care of our boys’ hooves and we can support each other in this.

And – looking at it from a practical side - if everyone were to look after their own horse’s their hooves, there would be no need for farriers doing a mass amount of horses and fucking up their bodies completely. This bieng just a consideration for in an Equal Money System.

Reflecting Back on Parents visiting the Desteni Farm

My mother came to visit the Farm last year, around July/August.
This year she came and visit again, this time with my father. They planned a tour through South Africa prior to coming to the Farm, and asked me and Maite to come with - which we did.

After the tour Bernard came to pick us up at Durban airport and we left for the farm.

The decision that my father was going to visit along with my mother had been made pretty early on. So during the year, I would from time to time wonder and even fear what it would be like with my father visiting the farm.

My relationship with my father back in Belgium was one of fear and avoidance. I resisted seeing him again, at the farm, because I feared that we would just play out the same dynamic again. All the worst case scenario stuff that I had imagined didn't happen at all lol.

What was interesting though was that I could see my parents for the first time. They were taken out of their comfort/safety zone which was their 'home' and also 'their country' - to a different country, where they didn't know the language well, and stayed at someone else's place.

Just that change of environment exposed how much of how I knew them to be was all environment related. Back in Belgium I saw my parents, as responsible, trustworthy adults. But seeing them in an environment where they have literally no control = showed the real truth. They couldn't go and use their 'family authority' or 'this is my house' authority whenever it suited them, because they were no longer in their 'bubble'.

Them being here left them in a vulnerable position, which allowed me to re-evaluate how I saw my parents and who I am in relation to them. Suddenly me and Maite were put in the position of 'parents' or 'responsible ones'. They don't know English very well, so with every little thing they wanted to do or find out = we had to be present, and they would freak out whenever they wouldn't understand a situation (= left with no control).

The most interesting part for me was that I saw that I do not have to have this 'fear-avoidance' relationship with my dad, and that if something is bother me, I can actually talk to him about.

So basically, it was interesting to see how their personality as I knew them to be was closely related and tied to their home environment/safety/comfort-zone - and once that is taken away, that particular personality breaks apart. It was fascinating that I could see with my own eyes how I had experienced myself towards my parents, and how we as a family participated with each other had been one big fraud, a huge mind fuck for all those years - each one just playing out their script, their role - without stepping out of it.

 And with that realization -  it was cool to just let go.