Saturday, 5 April 2008

April 5 2008

Today, just a moment ago our parents came home.
I immediatly felt very warm and started sweating. I didn't want them to come home.
Mom comes to me cus she wants to give me a kiss, but I dont want her kiss. Just in time I put my hand on my cheek and she kisses my hand instead. As a reaction to that she slaps my ear (she always slaps me somewhere when I dont want her kiss, as if the 'slap' is a little joke, but I don't like being slapped).

Das is sighing, breathing loud and heavy, cursing...
I feel as if I get locked up inside.
I get very, very warm and very anxious.
They can't stop making all these comments so i go upstairs cause I'm getting hot like hell and can't take their presence anymore. It's like I was entering my own private hell inside me.
I got upstairs, started to cry, and started to write this here.
It was a very nice week, it was a free week.
And now I locked myself up again for some time again till they're gone again or I stop myself from locking myself up in their presence.
I don't want to live with my parents.
I just feel they're doing me no good.
I don't want to live up to their expectations of how things should be around the house, how my future should be.

I dont want to have my parents back in my mind with every move I do.
Paying attention to every single detail so I don't upset them in anyway whatsoever.

And I want to get out of here.
But I have no money. I only lately started to realise how clever it was the way they set up the money they give us.
I get 6 euros a wee, and there is NO WAY I can complain about it, cause when I do my mom tells me "well you get everything you need from us!"
AND THATS THE FUCKING POINT!!

If my fucking parents give me all the fucking things I "need" then there's no fucking way I can get out of here when I want to cause I'm completely fucking dependant on them!

I forgot how it was not to have parents for a while. But now they're home and the games goes on again, the fun is over...

Kids should be able to take their parents to court.
Saying : I never chose my parents, my parents are no good to me, I don't fucking want them, get me decent ones or let me live alone!

Yes, that would be MUCH better!

There are a lot of days that I wish my parents were dead, or atleast my father, that I would finally be able to breath, but like really BREATH!

SEEING that they are dead, so i can be sure they're dead and won't ever bother me again.
Look at them, breath in, breath out and let go.....

What the fuck's up with people wanting to have kids anyway!
You KNOW you're fucked up, deep inside YOU JUST KNOW you are and then still you make fucking kids, play GOD over them and expect they love you UNCONDITIONALLY.

Well FUCK YOU, cause there aint no love coming from me, hell no.
Go suck someone else's life out of their body, please, like your own for example.

Parents are fucking insane, that's what they are, completely LOCO in the head, yup.
They're the most frustrated and disturbed persons I've ever met in my life!

I feel a lot of hate towards my parents but I gotta thank them, they made it nice and clear to me that people are generally just FUCKED UP!
So thx mom and dad for being so fucked up and doing no effort trying to hide it. I've learned a lot.

I can't remember a time where I wouldn't daydream about eaving home, go some place far away knowing I would never see, talk or write to my parents again, giving them a smile, giving them a kiss, turn around and leave...
Everytime i daydreamt about leaving, one thing was the same, I WOULD NEVER EVER SEE THEM AGAIN.

I dont want to see them again. Not until they fucking change and realise themselves.

Geeze, this even makes me wish I had school, so they wouldnt be around.


Hmm, only now I realise how close I was to becomong and ending up like my mom, VERY close.
I thank myself for finding myself before I turned into her.


It is amazing how I would never be aware of how I would inprison myself with my parents around.
How I was never aware of how my body feels when they're around, it's pretty uncomfortable.
It's like there's this black tar that sticks inside of me and it sticks so much that I'm afraid it has become a part of me.
Like poison but keeping me alive somehow.
Like an old wound that never completey healed, and the black tar is the everlasting burning scar. But only now I remember the burning and I remember the scar, cause I had forgotten about it.

I want to get it done with but I'm afraid, afraid that my parents will always have some sort of power and control over me and that they won't ever leave me alone.
And I don't want that. But I'm too chicken scared to do anything about it.



Hmm my back is all wet from the sweat.. I remind myself of my dad.
It makes me hate myself.
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