Thursday, 24 April 2008

Cool stuff

So today we had to perform this little play at school. Right away when I heard about it some weeks ago I freaked out about it. Cus I hate the feeling I get when rehearsing, the waiting, the nervousness, fear of judgements, trying to prove yourself to others, and the very act of 'acting' that I dislike. So in my head I went "Oh shit, I'll have to apply heaps of forgiveness to get this one out".

At first we just did some exercises to 'get into' it. When the teacher said "make pairs" I was like whatever, I'll just wait til someone asks me, I don't care. So then I had to do the exercises with a guy from my class. I do not dislike him, but it's also not like he is a very good friend. I resisted a little because of this cus I didn't know quiet what to expect. I soon realised this was bullshit and decided to enjoy myself as much as possible. We had great fun, laughed a lot, and came up with surprising stuff. That was cool cus it was kinda the opposite of what I would have expected.

But then comes the actual "little" play that we have to do. The dialogues are like this poetry abstract shit and we were like "uh... how the fuck make a play out of that". So we struggled quiet some time, I started to blame the other guy and wish I did it with someone else. The teacher kept coming at us asking to play if for him etc. while we still had nothing. We had no ideas, only stupid once that we didn't even like ourself. So we didnt feel like doing it, complaining about it blablabla.

Then I did some actual self forgiveness on this experience... I really resisted doing it cus it was like a big wall to break. I was very stuborn about it, blamed people for it, blame the teacher blabla, while it was MY experience and I create what I expect.

So I did SF (= Self Forgiveness) wrote about it. All those feelings and stuff, it was soooo muiuuch bullshit. The writing made it very clear so there was no way I could deny it. I had to stand up so I did.

The next time could practice/rehearse would also be the last time. So I wasnt quiet sure if we were going to "make it". But I was like, "when it comes is comes, if it doesnt come, it doesn't! Life is simple!".
So we talked a little, smoked a lot and then we got this great idea, started rehearsing. The thing was that we should show it already to the teacher but since this whas a whole new idea, and we didn't bring the right stuff with us it was quiet impossible to do so. So we also couldn't really rehearse like "for real".

So yesterday I made sure I had all the stuff I needed, did some more SF (cus I wasnt totally clear about, still much resistance, fear of failure blabla), made sure I knew my lines and so on.

This morning I woke up, kinda going "oooh nooo, its the plaaaay today" but then went "leila, stop fucking with yourself you're going to DO THIS". So I went to school (almost forgot my bag with all the stuff we would need lol) I was amazed how little stress/nervousness I had. I still had some, well a lot, but normally I would have experienced myself as tornado of feelings/emotions/thoughts. So I was already quite proud of myself! lol

Then I got to school, all relaxed. We were going to have to do the play the first two hours. Little bit resistance but I managed to keep myself stable. Then it was "finally" our turn. I was ok with it I guess. My friend was giving me nervous looks but somehow I knew that whatever would happen, we'd be fine afterwards. And afterwards realise, we never had been 'not fine'.

So everyone 'grouped' (is that an actual word?) at our location and then some other teachers came too and the principle (thats when I got a bit nervous). I went to stand on my position. I looked the public in the eye. I took a deeeeeeep breath, and I started to walk (into the play).
The play was amazing, we did great, we got some unexpected special effects and we enjoyed ourselves a lot!!!! Hahahaahahaha, Self forgiveness oooowwwwns. actually I own muahahaha.

So that was really cool. Especially taking that breath and stating that whatever I was going to do , I was going to do it as a self expression. Damn it was awesome.

Haha this reminds me of something. Few months ago we had to defend some text we wrote for our final project. I did a lot of SF the days before cus I knew how I would getmyself up locked into the mind in those kind of situations.
The funny thing was : I was sitting there and it was almost my turn. And I was sooo stable. I kept thinking "damn I'm really stable, no stress!! Wooh, tis like UNREAL". And then I started to fear and get nervous. Cus I was sitting there, and I had no stress! I had no fear! i went WTF, THIS ISNT THE WAY THINGS NORMALLY GO, SO IT MUST BE WROOOOOONG!!! hhahaahahahahaha irrational fears are sooo funny. So i started to fear and get nervous about the absence of all the feelings/emotions/thoughts! BWAHAHahahaahahahahahahahahaahhaa, thats jsut fuuunnnnyyyyyy!!!

So yea, I got myself into the same position but atleast now I know how stupid it was to react the way i did lolol. I really actually believed that the stress, the fear, the nervousness were actually helping me, PREPARING me for what would come. So if these were not there = I wasn't being prepared. That is like massive pile of bullshit hahahaha. Mind is so funny lololol.

So, what I expected to be a terrible day normally, turned out to be a beautiful day full of self enjoyment! And that aaaaall thanks to SELF! Woohoo!
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