Sunday, 15 April 2012

Day 2: Death of a Pet

This is a continuation on my previous blog

Within this post I'll be working on the Memory which popped-up in relation to the word 'abandonment'.

Memory:
When I first found out that we were going to get guinea pigs I asked my mom how long her guinea pig lived when she was young. I wanted to find out how old I was going to be when the guinea pig would die and through that kind of 'calculate' how much I would be affected by his death. If the guinea pig wasn't going to live long then I didn't want it because I feared it would hurt too much. My mom then told me that her guinea pigged lived up to the age of 8. I was 8 at the time and so I calculated that I would be 16 by the time he dies. I thought this was pretty cool as I believed that by the time I'd be 16, I'd be an emotionless zombie (as this was my perception of teenagers at the time).

We then went ahead and got guinea pigs -- one for me and one for Maite. Maite's died first as they were both males and my boy was dominating Maite's -- making him sleep outside from their little house and not allowing him by the food. Then a year or so later my guinea pig died. I was dreaming that he was dying when my mom woke me up saying that something's wrong with him. I ran downstairs to check on him and he was choking on brown stuff inside his throat. We tried to get him to the vet but he died on our way there. A big white worm came out just after he died and I cut off its head because I was so angry that it had killed my guinea pig (the cause of death seemed to be that he had a worm that was eating him up inside out. I was completely devastated when he died and stayed home. I promised myself that I would never ever get another animal or create a relationship like that ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based my decision of getting a pet on the calculation of whether I would be affected by his inevitable death or not

When and as I see myself making a decision based upon fear -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am not using common sense within my decision making but instead allow emotions to direct me and my decisions. These aren't real decision but automated responses. I allow myself to release myself of the fear and re-assess my decision making process and make a decision within the consideration of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated the experience of 'pain' and 'loss' upon getting a pet

When and as I see myself anticipating and expecting a specific emotional outcome to an event -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am the one creating this consequence for myself and that it does not have to be so in effect. I can decide for myself how I want to direct myself through a particular event and allow myself to unconditionally participate without expecting a particular result

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection/link between 'pet' and 'dying'

When and as I see myself making a connection between 'pet' / 'animal' and 'dying' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that by participating in such associations I am placing myself in a position that I do not want to be in -- so why put myself there?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my behavior through the use of knowledge and information as to enable myself not having to face my fear

When and as I see myself reasoning myself out of a point -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am trying to justify my behaviour/actions/decisions and that I am thus inherently revealing to myself that I know that I am being dishonest. If I were honest with myself no justification building would be needed in support of an argument as the point would be self-evident within the context of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love' as separate of me and projected these points upon pets -- whereby as a consequence I believed that I would lose 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love' if the pet would die.

When and as I see myself participate in a pattern of attaching certain points of expression upon others in my environment and world -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am in fact separating myself from points within myself and enslaving not only me to others but also enslave those beings and object to which I have attached the points to myself -- as I will attempt to keep those beings and objects within my immediate environment/reality even if it is not within their own best interest. Instead when a decision has to be made -- I take into consideration all the various variables and make a decision according to what is best for all and not in terms of what best suits me, as this is deliberate abuse stemming from self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was never interested in the pet as the being itself -- but instead cared only of the 'benefits' it would provide for me in terms of 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love'.

I commit myself to the starting point of taking care of animals as a point of custodianship whereby I assist and support the animal without placing 'conditions' on the animal where I expect certain things in return. It is a walking together within the consideration that the animal has its own life and that I am merely here to assist and support where necessary -- not to control its life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the death of pets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sadness inside me when a pet dies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'death' as a bad thing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that death is just like being born -- before you were born you weren't here, and then you suddenly are. Then later you are here on earth and then suddenly you aren't anymore. Yet birth gets celebrated and death is mourned.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to participate and support a world where beings dominate one another within a game of survival and will do whatever it takes to stay 'first in the race'.

When and as I see myself participate within the game of domination and submission -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am enslaving myself and the other in a never ending game which will never have a satisfying end. Instead I look into the situation and assess what direction to take which takes into consideration what is best for all involved. I see and realise that domination and submission only serves ego as the ego is always trying to win -- but there can be no winning without losing. And since I do not like it to be me within a losing position I let go of wanting to win as winning causes others to lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where beings die because of the polarity manifestation of submission and domination.

When and as I see beings participate within a pattern that is not beneficial for either parties, I intervene and make the necessary adjustments that will prevent the same cycle/pattern from happening over and over again. In the case of the guinea pigs it would have been to separate the two males or create a condition/environment that would allow plenty for both to live comfortably.

I commit myself to the finding of a solution to replace the current world system whereby a framework is put into place which provides for all equally and eliminates the need to be the 'strongest' in order to survive

Within this -- I also forigve myself for living in a world where animals of the same sex are sold together even though it is known that they will not function well together -- as the importance of money and profit has become greater than the well being of the whole.

I commit myself to bring about change in the world which will give back to the animals their rightful place in the world -- where they are no more objects of money but beings in their own right -- assisted and supported the same way as one would want to be assisted and supported within this world -- equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the current money system through my passiveness and indifference towards political and economic solutions -- whereby people are forced to sell other beings in the name of profit and survival -- whereby the wellbeing of the animals is completely disregarded 

I commit myself to bring about political and economic change in order to bring about a change in people's working conditions so they no longer have to place themselves in situations of abuse in order to survive -- instead a framework must be in place which is an extension of one's life and thus in essence no longer will be defined as 'work' -- as it simply becomes part and amalgamates with and as one's lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a participant of a world system where it is logically justified to chase people out of a safe environment only to secure one's own well being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a participant of a world system where it is logically justified to keep others away from your food -- because it is your food and not theirs.

When and as I see myself feeling the need to keep someone away from 'my food' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I would not want to be in the other one's position and that it thus makes more sense to share.

I commit myself to change the current world system of lack to a world system of sufficiency where all are provided and taken care of equally and indiscriminately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a world where beings chase others away from food out of fear of not having enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a system through not speaking, not demanding change --  where within the system is an illusion of 'there is not enough' because of a money system being in place which does not distribute and allocate resources within a principle of equity but only in the name of economic efficiency -- forcing beings into a constant state of fear and survival

I commit myself to speaking and writing in order to share and spread the message of a new political and economic system which allocates its resources in a way that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of abuse through the manifestation of worms who eat the insides of other beings for their survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry at a worm for the death of a pet -- while I did not consider that it is obviously not the worm's fault as he is only doing what needs to be done to survive in this world

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anger or blame towards another -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that this reaction is indicating a point that requires to be realigned within myself -- not the other. I then take it up on myself to align this point and sort out the anger and blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as 'normal' that there are such manifestations as dominance and eating one another alive -- instead of questioning the state of our reality and investigate whether there is an alternative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear/promise myself to never ever get another pet or create a relationship with another animal out of fear of then losing this relationship

When and as I see myself making promises to myself to not do something from a starting point of fear -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that avoiding and postponing is not an actual solution but merely putting the issue 'on hold'. Instead I investigate what it is I fear and assist myself in understanding the fear in order to let go of it and replace the fear with common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'getting a pet' as an experience of 'gaining' -- whereby I gain 'love', 'expression', 'enjoyment' and 'fun' and thus also manifest for myself an experience of 'losing' through the death of a pet of the same points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself within a position of dependency through having certain expectations of pets instead of embracing myself as those points which I projected/placed unto pets

I commit myself to changing the current world system to a place which is safe and fun for animals and where animals are no longer subject to human beings wants, desires and needs. I commit myself to a world where animals' lives are respected and honored the way we'd want our own life respected and honored

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise 'love' as myself as 'self-love' and 'self-appreciation'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love and appreciation can only have its origin within a source outside of myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise 'enjoyment'/'fun' as myself as 'self-enjoyment' and  'self-fun'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'enjoyment' and 'fun' can only occur in conjunction with another being or thing but cannot manifest within myself, alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am dependent on outside sources to experience fun and enjoyment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I 'lose' something upon the death of a pet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally enjoy the presence of a pet as another being, a companion -- where I allow myself to make the best out of it until we no longer can -- instead of living in continuous fear that the pet might die -- which in itself is pretty dumb because then taking care of another pet as a being become something which does not support you and is not an enjoyable experience for self and then the death of the being is the only thing that will force the being in letting go of the fear, by manifesting it. Then if the pet is dead there is nothing more to worry about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear and promise to myself to never ever create another intimate relationship with a pet in order to not face the sadness upon its death -- instead of taking it up unto myself to investigate why I fear the death of a pet and address the issue within me until it is no longer an issue
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