I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself because I am sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see “being sick” as a punishment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself because I’m sick again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that I might not go to Berlin because I might still be sick then.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be kind of happy cause then I might not have to go to Berlin cause I’m sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not wanting to go to Berlin because I will be with my class for 5 days almost every fucking minute.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not wanting to go to Berlin because I fear that I might not have any time to do self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear missing the train to Berlin.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that Berlin is going to be boring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that because I don’t want to go out and party, the people of my class are going to be weird at me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the food in the hotel in Berlin.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that something might happen to me while I’m in Berlin.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the reaction of my “friends” when they see that all I want to do is calm things and no partying.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that there is no way that I can still be myself while being away with school.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to consider that I can still breath and stop thoughts while being in Berlin.
Saturday, 23 February 2008
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Reflecting on missing train on purpose
So it came to me that i still ahd to write about missing my train on purpose.
It was quite interesting. I was early enough on the platform, the train just got there. The train even was some minutes early! And there I stood. And there the train stood. With his doors open, inviting and welcoming me, ready to embrace me and take me home...
I wanted to get on that train soooo badly. It was really freaky. Like in Lord of the Rings where Frodo is in Rivendel and Bilbo wants to see the ring one last time and in one moment becomes like this demon... It was something like that. Like my mind was taking over a bit and I had to 'resist it' as in breathing through it. Funny heh, just a stupid little thing like on purpose missing your train came make you emotions go crazy.
So I took a good breathe and sat down. A little bit trying to ignore the train, mummbling some self forgiveness. Wondering about my "friend(s)" being on the train and seeing me there not taking the train... The train finally left and it was not as bad as I thought it would be in the end. Few minutes later my "friend(s)" who i thought were on the train I missed, missed the train too and took the next one with me.
Nothing went as planned in my head hahahaha. I had this situation going on of being bored, hungry and cold waiting for the train, wanting to go home. Instead it was just some resistance, sittign down, breathing mummbling a bit and having company.
Damn, my mind distracts me big time.
What I noticed is that when I miss my train now, I'm ok with it. Although I now go "fuck I want a cigarette (because I'm doing the 21 days no smoke and no coffee).
But it's ok, before you know it 20 mins are past and than wham one moment later you're already home having dinner.
Crazy shit this "moment" stuff.
So I guess I might as well talk about the 21 days no smoking and coffee.
Oh, I also stopped biting my nails. I play with them a lot now. But there's like all this dirt getting under it and then I try to get it out. And also, I use my nails now for all sorts of stuff (like picking out spice from between people's teeth) and then they "break" a little and then I want to bite it off but I don't.
So that's cool. Having nails. I never had them this long. Can't help it but feeling proud about myself.
Now the smoking thing is somewhat different. It's been quite easy. Only been doing it for two days, this one is third. Had some moments where I would get stuck in my mind and would really feel the urge to smoke. But then I breath through it and talk myself out of it. I got that a few years ago. That I could make myself "believe" everything I wanted. I could talk myself out of everything (through a sort of understanding). But knowing that isn't that "good", well it used to be "not good" because I would just talk to myself in my mind. Ok, back to smoking.
I understand
That when you're able to not smoke for one moment.
It is actually the same as not smoking like forever or any amount of time.
And then my mind goes... "just stop this crap and smoke again","you know how it works"
Also, I know I will be smoking again after those 21 days. I do it because I want to test myself. Be my own proof. But then again I know I can do this. That it is kind of already done, I just have to do it. And then I want to use this as an excuse to go buy tabaco and smoke again.
But now I know, that this is an excuse, and a filthy trap.
So I will not smoke for 21 days.
And then I will really know.
Drinking no coffee is really easy.
I mostly just used to drink coffee cause I liked its bitterness.
Not really addicted or so. But I noticed I started drinking more and more so it seemed the right time for me to do the 21 days no coffee.
And then again I want to use the "ooh, this is so easy, I just KNOW I can do this, I just quit and get myself some coffee".
Nope.
I DO NOT KNOW. I DID NOT LIVE IT. SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW. GOT THAT FUCKING MIND???
tricky heh?
ok, got it.
so, will walk the 21 days no coffee as well. still.
It was quite interesting. I was early enough on the platform, the train just got there. The train even was some minutes early! And there I stood. And there the train stood. With his doors open, inviting and welcoming me, ready to embrace me and take me home...
I wanted to get on that train soooo badly. It was really freaky. Like in Lord of the Rings where Frodo is in Rivendel and Bilbo wants to see the ring one last time and in one moment becomes like this demon... It was something like that. Like my mind was taking over a bit and I had to 'resist it' as in breathing through it. Funny heh, just a stupid little thing like on purpose missing your train came make you emotions go crazy.
So I took a good breathe and sat down. A little bit trying to ignore the train, mummbling some self forgiveness. Wondering about my "friend(s)" being on the train and seeing me there not taking the train... The train finally left and it was not as bad as I thought it would be in the end. Few minutes later my "friend(s)" who i thought were on the train I missed, missed the train too and took the next one with me.
Nothing went as planned in my head hahahaha. I had this situation going on of being bored, hungry and cold waiting for the train, wanting to go home. Instead it was just some resistance, sittign down, breathing mummbling a bit and having company.
Damn, my mind distracts me big time.
What I noticed is that when I miss my train now, I'm ok with it. Although I now go "fuck I want a cigarette (because I'm doing the 21 days no smoke and no coffee).
But it's ok, before you know it 20 mins are past and than wham one moment later you're already home having dinner.
Crazy shit this "moment" stuff.
So I guess I might as well talk about the 21 days no smoking and coffee.
Oh, I also stopped biting my nails. I play with them a lot now. But there's like all this dirt getting under it and then I try to get it out. And also, I use my nails now for all sorts of stuff (like picking out spice from between people's teeth) and then they "break" a little and then I want to bite it off but I don't.
So that's cool. Having nails. I never had them this long. Can't help it but feeling proud about myself.
Now the smoking thing is somewhat different. It's been quite easy. Only been doing it for two days, this one is third. Had some moments where I would get stuck in my mind and would really feel the urge to smoke. But then I breath through it and talk myself out of it. I got that a few years ago. That I could make myself "believe" everything I wanted. I could talk myself out of everything (through a sort of understanding). But knowing that isn't that "good", well it used to be "not good" because I would just talk to myself in my mind. Ok, back to smoking.
I understand
That when you're able to not smoke for one moment.
It is actually the same as not smoking like forever or any amount of time.
And then my mind goes... "just stop this crap and smoke again","you know how it works"
Also, I know I will be smoking again after those 21 days. I do it because I want to test myself. Be my own proof. But then again I know I can do this. That it is kind of already done, I just have to do it. And then I want to use this as an excuse to go buy tabaco and smoke again.
But now I know, that this is an excuse, and a filthy trap.
So I will not smoke for 21 days.
And then I will really know.
Drinking no coffee is really easy.
I mostly just used to drink coffee cause I liked its bitterness.
Not really addicted or so. But I noticed I started drinking more and more so it seemed the right time for me to do the 21 days no coffee.
And then again I want to use the "ooh, this is so easy, I just KNOW I can do this, I just quit and get myself some coffee".
Nope.
I DO NOT KNOW. I DID NOT LIVE IT. SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW. GOT THAT FUCKING MIND???
tricky heh?
ok, got it.
so, will walk the 21 days no coffee as well. still.
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
Day after computer crash
After doing the self forgiveness on the computer crash event and things related I released myself from that.
The day after I tried turning on the computer just once more... And it worked!
Though my brother mentioned that he heard our father cursing that evening I didn't notice anything!
So this clearly shows how the mind fucks with you and will try to find ways to fuck with you and will take every single little tiny chance to fuck with you.
So, now, something else. In the text that Heath Ledger wrote about why he doesn't want to be god he describes how people decore their room with themselves and define themselves according to that room. Now what I'm going to do is put this in application. I'm lit. going to put my mind like a copying maybe outside of myself into 3D where I can hold it and see it. I combine this with my school project so that's a nice way to graduate. While making over the room I'm just going to follow my mind as in thoughts, feelings and emotion. Once it is "done" (since I combine it with school it has to be "done" to a certain extent and that woud be around Mai/June, but might keep working on it after that) I will apply self forgiveness on everything that is present in the room. One by one, and once I am clear on that point I throw it away. And like that I will do self forgiveness till my room is empty, till my mind is empty and gone. This is what I'm going to do for the toime being. Of course this is a short period of time and will require a lot of work. I don't really care about getting it "done" (as in getting my entire mind out there, cause that's kind of difficult) but do as much as possible for now and I will see where life guides me where I can work more effectively.
Cause lol, when I visit SA I cannot take my room in my bag and take it with me :p
I will probably use the room for some video recordings for school and my own process and maybe for other people's processes.
Will put those online once they're done.
That's all for now.
Thanks
The day after I tried turning on the computer just once more... And it worked!
Though my brother mentioned that he heard our father cursing that evening I didn't notice anything!
So this clearly shows how the mind fucks with you and will try to find ways to fuck with you and will take every single little tiny chance to fuck with you.
So, now, something else. In the text that Heath Ledger wrote about why he doesn't want to be god he describes how people decore their room with themselves and define themselves according to that room. Now what I'm going to do is put this in application. I'm lit. going to put my mind like a copying maybe outside of myself into 3D where I can hold it and see it. I combine this with my school project so that's a nice way to graduate. While making over the room I'm just going to follow my mind as in thoughts, feelings and emotion. Once it is "done" (since I combine it with school it has to be "done" to a certain extent and that woud be around Mai/June, but might keep working on it after that) I will apply self forgiveness on everything that is present in the room. One by one, and once I am clear on that point I throw it away. And like that I will do self forgiveness till my room is empty, till my mind is empty and gone. This is what I'm going to do for the toime being. Of course this is a short period of time and will require a lot of work. I don't really care about getting it "done" (as in getting my entire mind out there, cause that's kind of difficult) but do as much as possible for now and I will see where life guides me where I can work more effectively.
Cause lol, when I visit SA I cannot take my room in my bag and take it with me :p
I will probably use the room for some video recordings for school and my own process and maybe for other people's processes.
Will put those online once they're done.
That's all for now.
Thanks
Monday, 11 February 2008
Computer Crash
ok, so I wanted to start the (other) computer and he just restarted over and over by himself never actually getting to desktop just restarting and restarting...
So I got "angry" actually more fearfull because I know my dad will find out about it and he just got this thing in his mind that whatever happens to the computer is Leila's fault.
And then I really actually start to believe it is my fault. And now the idea of dad finding out, thinking it was me, him being angry at me settled down in my mind and I cant get the fear of that possible situation out.
And that's really stupid! I mean, how a not so well working computer fucks up an entire evening and probably several days because of me waiting in fear of that one situation that might happen.
Stupid fuck up people that cant take mistakes of other aaargh. I mean, if people (my dad) wouldnt be all that negative and fucked up about people and computers doing something wrong and get angry I would tell exactly what happend but nooooooooooooooooooooooo, they're minds KNOW EXACTLY what happend, they know, you don't have to tell them cause they know you, you are BAAAAAAD.
Grumphbblz.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get angry at computer because now dad will be angry at me because he's convinced that I broke it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that daddy might find out that the computer is broken and give me the fault.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that it is my fault that the computer crashed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear a situation I created in my head that might possibly happen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let myself be controled by an event as the computer doing weird.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to a mind created possible situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let this one situation posses my mind and let it posses me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I am ok, I am fine.
This event doesn't matter, as I will be ok like I always was and always will be.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to release myself from this scenario in my head. It's an illusion, it's not real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use school as an excuse of how shitty I feel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my environment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as "school".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by my environement.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to my environemt and let it control me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the people that attend my school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my class.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the material we have to go through and study at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the grades I get at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the understanding I have of study material.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according the the knowledge I have stored in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit and define myself according to the people that attend my school, my class, grades I get in school, the understanding tha tI have of study material, knowledge I have stored in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things I'm obliged to do at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself do define and limit myself according the the labour I have to do at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and friday as "schooldays" and thus days that should be "avoided" or dealt with quickly but not effective.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to curse "schooldays".
i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself for not being effective enough with breahting and being here in the moment at school.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to actually realise that it doesnt matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm still here.
So I got "angry" actually more fearfull because I know my dad will find out about it and he just got this thing in his mind that whatever happens to the computer is Leila's fault.
And then I really actually start to believe it is my fault. And now the idea of dad finding out, thinking it was me, him being angry at me settled down in my mind and I cant get the fear of that possible situation out.
And that's really stupid! I mean, how a not so well working computer fucks up an entire evening and probably several days because of me waiting in fear of that one situation that might happen.
Stupid fuck up people that cant take mistakes of other aaargh. I mean, if people (my dad) wouldnt be all that negative and fucked up about people and computers doing something wrong and get angry I would tell exactly what happend but nooooooooooooooooooooooo, they're minds KNOW EXACTLY what happend, they know, you don't have to tell them cause they know you, you are BAAAAAAD.
Grumphbblz.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get angry at computer because now dad will be angry at me because he's convinced that I broke it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that daddy might find out that the computer is broken and give me the fault.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that it is my fault that the computer crashed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear a situation I created in my head that might possibly happen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let myself be controled by an event as the computer doing weird.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to a mind created possible situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let this one situation posses my mind and let it posses me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I am ok, I am fine.
This event doesn't matter, as I will be ok like I always was and always will be.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to release myself from this scenario in my head. It's an illusion, it's not real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use school as an excuse of how shitty I feel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my environment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as "school".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by my environement.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to my environemt and let it control me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the people that attend my school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my class.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the material we have to go through and study at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the grades I get at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the understanding I have of study material.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according the the knowledge I have stored in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit and define myself according to the people that attend my school, my class, grades I get in school, the understanding tha tI have of study material, knowledge I have stored in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things I'm obliged to do at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself do define and limit myself according the the labour I have to do at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and friday as "schooldays" and thus days that should be "avoided" or dealt with quickly but not effective.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to curse "schooldays".
i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself for not being effective enough with breahting and being here in the moment at school.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to actually realise that it doesnt matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm still here.
Sunday, 10 February 2008
Friday, 1 February 2008
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