Saturday, 16 February 2008

Reflecting on missing train on purpose

So it came to me that i still ahd to write about missing my train on purpose.
It was quite interesting. I was early enough on the platform, the train just got there. The train even was some minutes early! And there I stood. And there the train stood. With his doors open, inviting and welcoming me, ready to embrace me and take me home...
I wanted to get on that train soooo badly. It was really freaky. Like in Lord of the Rings where Frodo is in Rivendel and Bilbo wants to see the ring one last time and in one moment becomes like this demon... It was something like that. Like my mind was taking over a bit and I had to 'resist it' as in breathing through it. Funny heh, just a stupid little thing like on purpose missing your train came make you emotions go crazy.
So I took a good breathe and sat down. A little bit trying to ignore the train, mummbling some self forgiveness. Wondering about my "friend(s)" being on the train and seeing me there not taking the train... The train finally left and it was not as bad as I thought it would be in the end. Few minutes later my "friend(s)" who i thought were on the train I missed, missed the train too and took the next one with me.

Nothing went as planned in my head hahahaha. I had this situation going on of being bored, hungry and cold waiting for the train, wanting to go home. Instead it was just some resistance, sittign down, breathing mummbling a bit and having company.
Damn, my mind distracts me big time.

What I noticed is that when I miss my train now, I'm ok with it. Although I now go "fuck I want a cigarette (because I'm doing the 21 days no smoke and no coffee).
But it's ok, before you know it 20 mins are past and than wham one moment later you're already home having dinner.
Crazy shit this "moment" stuff.

So I guess I might as well talk about the 21 days no smoking and coffee.
Oh, I also stopped biting my nails. I play with them a lot now. But there's like all this dirt getting under it and then I try to get it out. And also, I use my nails now for all sorts of stuff (like picking out spice from between people's teeth) and then they "break" a little and then I want to bite it off but I don't.
So that's cool. Having nails. I never had them this long. Can't help it but feeling proud about myself.
Now the smoking thing is somewhat different. It's been quite easy. Only been doing it for two days, this one is third. Had some moments where I would get stuck in my mind and would really feel the urge to smoke. But then I breath through it and talk myself out of it. I got that a few years ago. That I could make myself "believe" everything I wanted. I could talk myself out of everything (through a sort of understanding). But knowing that isn't that "good", well it used to be "not good" because I would just talk to myself in my mind. Ok, back to smoking.
I understand
That when you're able to not smoke for one moment.
It is actually the same as not smoking like forever or any amount of time.
And then my mind goes... "just stop this crap and smoke again","you know how it works"
Also, I know I will be smoking again after those 21 days. I do it because I want to test myself. Be my own proof. But then again I know I can do this. That it is kind of already done, I just have to do it. And then I want to use this as an excuse to go buy tabaco and smoke again.
But now I know, that this is an excuse, and a filthy trap.
So I will not smoke for 21 days.
And then I will really know.

Drinking no coffee is really easy.
I mostly just used to drink coffee cause I liked its bitterness.
Not really addicted or so. But I noticed I started drinking more and more so it seemed the right time for me to do the 21 days no coffee.
And then again I want to use the "ooh, this is so easy, I just KNOW I can do this, I just quit and get myself some coffee".
Nope.
I DO NOT KNOW. I DID NOT LIVE IT. SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW. GOT THAT FUCKING MIND???

tricky heh?

ok, got it.

so, will walk the 21 days no coffee as well. still.
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