Monday, 11 February 2008

Computer Crash

ok, so I wanted to start the (other) computer and he just restarted over and over by himself never actually getting to desktop just restarting and restarting...
So I got "angry" actually more fearfull because I know my dad will find out about it and he just got this thing in his mind that whatever happens to the computer is Leila's fault.
And then I really actually start to believe it is my fault. And now the idea of dad finding out, thinking it was me, him being angry at me settled down in my mind and I cant get the fear of that possible situation out.

And that's really stupid! I mean, how a not so well working computer fucks up an entire evening and probably several days because of me waiting in fear of that one situation that might happen.
Stupid fuck up people that cant take mistakes of other aaargh. I mean, if people (my dad) wouldnt be all that negative and fucked up about people and computers doing something wrong and get angry I would tell exactly what happend but nooooooooooooooooooooooo, they're minds KNOW EXACTLY what happend, they know, you don't have to tell them cause they know you, you are BAAAAAAD.

Grumphbblz.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get angry at computer because now dad will be angry at me because he's convinced that I broke it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that daddy might find out that the computer is broken and give me the fault.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that it is my fault that the computer crashed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear a situation I created in my head that might possibly happen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let myself be controled by an event as the computer doing weird.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to a mind created possible situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let this one situation posses my mind and let it posses me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I am ok, I am fine.
This event doesn't matter, as I will be ok like I always was and always will be.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to release myself from this scenario in my head. It's an illusion, it's not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use school as an excuse of how shitty I feel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my environment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as "school".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by my environement.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to my environemt and let it control me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the people that attend my school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my class.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the material we have to go through and study at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the grades I get at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the understanding I have of study material.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according the the knowledge I have stored in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit and define myself according to the people that attend my school, my class, grades I get in school, the understanding tha tI have of study material, knowledge I have stored in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things I'm obliged to do at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself do define and limit myself according the the labour I have to do at school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and friday as "schooldays" and thus days that should be "avoided" or dealt with quickly but not effective.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to curse "schooldays".
i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself for not being effective enough with breahting and being here in the moment at school.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to actually realise that it doesnt matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm still here.
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