Thursday, 24 April 2008
Cool stuff
So today we had to perform this little play at school. Right away when I heard about it some weeks ago I freaked out about it. Cus I hate the feeling I get when rehearsing, the waiting, the nervousness, fear of judgements, trying to prove yourself to others, and the very act of 'acting' that I dislike. So in my head I went "Oh shit, I'll have to apply heaps of forgiveness to get this one out".
At first we just did some exercises to 'get into' it. When the teacher said "make pairs" I was like whatever, I'll just wait til someone asks me, I don't care. So then I had to do the exercises with a guy from my class. I do not dislike him, but it's also not like he is a very good friend. I resisted a little because of this cus I didn't know quiet what to expect. I soon realised this was bullshit and decided to enjoy myself as much as possible. We had great fun, laughed a lot, and came up with surprising stuff. That was cool cus it was kinda the opposite of what I would have expected.
But then comes the actual "little" play that we have to do. The dialogues are like this poetry abstract shit and we were like "uh... how the fuck make a play out of that". So we struggled quiet some time, I started to blame the other guy and wish I did it with someone else. The teacher kept coming at us asking to play if for him etc. while we still had nothing. We had no ideas, only stupid once that we didn't even like ourself. So we didnt feel like doing it, complaining about it blablabla.
Then I did some actual self forgiveness on this experience... I really resisted doing it cus it was like a big wall to break. I was very stuborn about it, blamed people for it, blame the teacher blabla, while it was MY experience and I create what I expect.
So I did SF (= Self Forgiveness) wrote about it. All those feelings and stuff, it was soooo muiuuch bullshit. The writing made it very clear so there was no way I could deny it. I had to stand up so I did.
The next time could practice/rehearse would also be the last time. So I wasnt quiet sure if we were going to "make it". But I was like, "when it comes is comes, if it doesnt come, it doesn't! Life is simple!".
So we talked a little, smoked a lot and then we got this great idea, started rehearsing. The thing was that we should show it already to the teacher but since this whas a whole new idea, and we didn't bring the right stuff with us it was quiet impossible to do so. So we also couldn't really rehearse like "for real".
So yesterday I made sure I had all the stuff I needed, did some more SF (cus I wasnt totally clear about, still much resistance, fear of failure blabla), made sure I knew my lines and so on.
This morning I woke up, kinda going "oooh nooo, its the plaaaay today" but then went "leila, stop fucking with yourself you're going to DO THIS". So I went to school (almost forgot my bag with all the stuff we would need lol) I was amazed how little stress/nervousness I had. I still had some, well a lot, but normally I would have experienced myself as tornado of feelings/emotions/thoughts. So I was already quite proud of myself! lol
Then I got to school, all relaxed. We were going to have to do the play the first two hours. Little bit resistance but I managed to keep myself stable. Then it was "finally" our turn. I was ok with it I guess. My friend was giving me nervous looks but somehow I knew that whatever would happen, we'd be fine afterwards. And afterwards realise, we never had been 'not fine'.
So everyone 'grouped' (is that an actual word?) at our location and then some other teachers came too and the principle (thats when I got a bit nervous). I went to stand on my position. I looked the public in the eye. I took a deeeeeeep breath, and I started to walk (into the play).
The play was amazing, we did great, we got some unexpected special effects and we enjoyed ourselves a lot!!!! Hahahaahahaha, Self forgiveness oooowwwwns. actually I own muahahaha.
So that was really cool. Especially taking that breath and stating that whatever I was going to do , I was going to do it as a self expression. Damn it was awesome.
Haha this reminds me of something. Few months ago we had to defend some text we wrote for our final project. I did a lot of SF the days before cus I knew how I would getmyself up locked into the mind in those kind of situations.
The funny thing was : I was sitting there and it was almost my turn. And I was sooo stable. I kept thinking "damn I'm really stable, no stress!! Wooh, tis like UNREAL". And then I started to fear and get nervous. Cus I was sitting there, and I had no stress! I had no fear! i went WTF, THIS ISNT THE WAY THINGS NORMALLY GO, SO IT MUST BE WROOOOOONG!!! hhahaahahahahaha irrational fears are sooo funny. So i started to fear and get nervous about the absence of all the feelings/emotions/thoughts! BWAHAHahahaahahahahahahahahaahhaa, thats jsut fuuunnnnyyyyyy!!!
So yea, I got myself into the same position but atleast now I know how stupid it was to react the way i did lolol. I really actually believed that the stress, the fear, the nervousness were actually helping me, PREPARING me for what would come. So if these were not there = I wasn't being prepared. That is like massive pile of bullshit hahahaha. Mind is so funny lololol.
So, what I expected to be a terrible day normally, turned out to be a beautiful day full of self enjoyment! And that aaaaall thanks to SELF! Woohoo!
At first we just did some exercises to 'get into' it. When the teacher said "make pairs" I was like whatever, I'll just wait til someone asks me, I don't care. So then I had to do the exercises with a guy from my class. I do not dislike him, but it's also not like he is a very good friend. I resisted a little because of this cus I didn't know quiet what to expect. I soon realised this was bullshit and decided to enjoy myself as much as possible. We had great fun, laughed a lot, and came up with surprising stuff. That was cool cus it was kinda the opposite of what I would have expected.
But then comes the actual "little" play that we have to do. The dialogues are like this poetry abstract shit and we were like "uh... how the fuck make a play out of that". So we struggled quiet some time, I started to blame the other guy and wish I did it with someone else. The teacher kept coming at us asking to play if for him etc. while we still had nothing. We had no ideas, only stupid once that we didn't even like ourself. So we didnt feel like doing it, complaining about it blablabla.
Then I did some actual self forgiveness on this experience... I really resisted doing it cus it was like a big wall to break. I was very stuborn about it, blamed people for it, blame the teacher blabla, while it was MY experience and I create what I expect.
So I did SF (= Self Forgiveness) wrote about it. All those feelings and stuff, it was soooo muiuuch bullshit. The writing made it very clear so there was no way I could deny it. I had to stand up so I did.
The next time could practice/rehearse would also be the last time. So I wasnt quiet sure if we were going to "make it". But I was like, "when it comes is comes, if it doesnt come, it doesn't! Life is simple!".
So we talked a little, smoked a lot and then we got this great idea, started rehearsing. The thing was that we should show it already to the teacher but since this whas a whole new idea, and we didn't bring the right stuff with us it was quiet impossible to do so. So we also couldn't really rehearse like "for real".
So yesterday I made sure I had all the stuff I needed, did some more SF (cus I wasnt totally clear about, still much resistance, fear of failure blabla), made sure I knew my lines and so on.
This morning I woke up, kinda going "oooh nooo, its the plaaaay today" but then went "leila, stop fucking with yourself you're going to DO THIS". So I went to school (almost forgot my bag with all the stuff we would need lol) I was amazed how little stress/nervousness I had. I still had some, well a lot, but normally I would have experienced myself as tornado of feelings/emotions/thoughts. So I was already quite proud of myself! lol
Then I got to school, all relaxed. We were going to have to do the play the first two hours. Little bit resistance but I managed to keep myself stable. Then it was "finally" our turn. I was ok with it I guess. My friend was giving me nervous looks but somehow I knew that whatever would happen, we'd be fine afterwards. And afterwards realise, we never had been 'not fine'.
So everyone 'grouped' (is that an actual word?) at our location and then some other teachers came too and the principle (thats when I got a bit nervous). I went to stand on my position. I looked the public in the eye. I took a deeeeeeep breath, and I started to walk (into the play).
The play was amazing, we did great, we got some unexpected special effects and we enjoyed ourselves a lot!!!! Hahahaahahaha, Self forgiveness oooowwwwns. actually I own muahahaha.
So that was really cool. Especially taking that breath and stating that whatever I was going to do , I was going to do it as a self expression. Damn it was awesome.
Haha this reminds me of something. Few months ago we had to defend some text we wrote for our final project. I did a lot of SF the days before cus I knew how I would getmyself up locked into the mind in those kind of situations.
The funny thing was : I was sitting there and it was almost my turn. And I was sooo stable. I kept thinking "damn I'm really stable, no stress!! Wooh, tis like UNREAL". And then I started to fear and get nervous. Cus I was sitting there, and I had no stress! I had no fear! i went WTF, THIS ISNT THE WAY THINGS NORMALLY GO, SO IT MUST BE WROOOOOONG!!! hhahaahahahahaha irrational fears are sooo funny. So i started to fear and get nervous about the absence of all the feelings/emotions/thoughts! BWAHAHahahaahahahahahahahahaahhaa, thats jsut fuuunnnnyyyyyy!!!
So yea, I got myself into the same position but atleast now I know how stupid it was to react the way i did lolol. I really actually believed that the stress, the fear, the nervousness were actually helping me, PREPARING me for what would come. So if these were not there = I wasn't being prepared. That is like massive pile of bullshit hahahaha. Mind is so funny lololol.
So, what I expected to be a terrible day normally, turned out to be a beautiful day full of self enjoyment! And that aaaaall thanks to SELF! Woohoo!
Friday, 18 April 2008
SCHOOL
SCHOOL
Ok, what is it that I do to myself that fucks up my experience of school. What do I dislike? What do I expect?
What is it that I actually do during school/schooldays?..
I wake up and the first thing I think of is school. Then I immediately push the snooze button of my alarm clock – stating: I don’t want to wake up – I don’t want to go to school.
And this is mainly when the shit starts to happen.
In my head I keep repeating scenes from the day before, I imagine what the day will be like, how I don’t want to go/be there etc.
I imagine myself sitting in class, being nervous, being anxious, just waiting to go home.
In the morning I’m waiting and preparing myself to the point where I leave and take the train. So basically my morning consist of waiting and rushing. Once I’m at the point where I get on my train, that’s already when I start wait, waiting to go home.
I check my cell phone from time to time to see how much time has already been passed (yes, pretty useless I know, doesn’t help me one bit). I talk shit to my friends so I can keep myself busy in and as my mind so that I’m not actually aware of what I’m doing, so I don’t have to take self responsibility and later on blame school for my dishonesty.
During class I talk some more shit, fill in the games in the free newspaper, keep myself busy, not being here, just want to go home…
When the bell goes for our noon break I go “oh shit”. I look for people to talk and eat with. I’m afraid there will be awkward silences and then I (word I cant read lol) going “ Quick! Quick! I need to find something to talk about!!”. Then we talk some more shit and I feel bad for being dishonest.
Then more class, more shit talk, school ends, I rush to station. I hope my friend will be there so I have someone to talk to, hope the friends I don’t want to see , are going to miss the train.
If my friend is there I talk shit, if my friend isn’t there I smoke and breathe.
If the ones are there that I don’t want to see I force myself to talk to them and talk huge crap.
I get in train, I wait, I get off train I rush home. I go on computer, check forum, eat, computer, schoolwork (if there is any), chat, SF, write, dad gets angry I go to sleep.
So by the time I go to bed I’m being pissed at my dad, pissed at me and pissed at school (current day and day to come). I fall asleep and the loopie loop starts over.
Obviously this isn’t working for me, I don’t feel “good” doing this, this just can’t go on. It has to stop.
I will
I do not accept and allow myself to go to sleep angry, pissed, still busy worrying about my day and the day to come.
When I go to sleep, I let go, I release myself from the day, I wake up after 6 hours.
I wake up, I take a deep breath. I am clear. I listen to the sound of my alarm clock instead of getting irritated and bashing it off.
I do not accept and allow myself to push the snooze button. I put the alarm off. I am here, I get up and get out of bed at once. No lingering, no falling asleep again. Awake.
I do not accept and allow myself to be raped by thoughts, not in the morning, not ever.
I wake up, I am here, I am stable.
I take my clothes and go downstairs. No thoughts, no emotions, no reaction, just here, self , present, me moving down the stairs.
I put my clothes in the bathroom. I make the table and eat my meal. I eat my meal with awareness. I am here, I eat, one and equal to food. I enjoy eating my food. I drink my coffee, I enjoy my coffee.
I make my bag for school, make sure I have everything I need for the day. I prepare my meal to take with me for at noon, so I don’t have to spend money on food.
I wash myself, I experience me with the water, as the water, movement, touch.
I dry myself with the towel. Awareness, movement, the touch of the towel against my skin. Nice and slowly.
I put my clothes on, nice and slow. I do not accept and allow myself to rush. I put on my contacts, make sure they are clean. I check time, no rush. I do what I have to do. I got more time? cool! I have to leave right away? also cool!
I do not accept and allow any sort of assumptions or expectations about my day. When a reaction, emotion, thought, feeling comes up, I stop. I apply myself as self forgiveness.
Breath in, understand, breath out let go. UNCONDITIONALLY, for meeeeeeeeeeeee.
I make sure I leave on time, no rushing. I walk to the station. I am here, I direct me, I’m with my feet, step by step, I move, here.
I do not accept and allow myself to participate in my mind while walking to the station. Yes, I know it is tempting, but I fucking will not allow that. I am here, I am stable.
I sit. I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the train. The train will come when he comes. I am here, thus there is no waiting. I do not accept and allow myself to talk unnecessary shit to W. I breathe.
I do not accept and allow myself to complain about school, about the weather, work tiredness and all that shit. I am responsible for my own experience, I direct me.
I get off train. I am here. Slowly, no rush.
I go to school, here , movement, step by step.
I do not accept and allow myself to resist going to school. Resisting school is resisting me. It’s bullshit. I face me.
I am at school.
I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the classes to start. I am here. I don’t talk unnecessary bullshit to anyone.
I go to class, no reactions, no resistance, just me. I am present in class. I write, I am here as my pen as my paper, I experience myself as writing. I do not judge what I write. I am here with breath. I listen to what is being said. I do not accept and allow myself to let myself be distracted by anything or anyone. I am here.
I do not accept and allow myself to participate in mind conversations or any other mind like conversation for that matter.
I do not accept and allow self dishonesty.
I do not accept and allow myself to read the paper, fill in the games or do anything that will keep me busy, keep me from being here, keep me from being breath. I take self responsibility, I face myself in every moment.
I remain stable as the breath. I do not get bored. I do not accept and allow myself to be bored. Boredom is of the mind. I am not my mind. I am beyond the mind. I am here, stable breath. Regardless what time, with who, where, whatever class, teacher.
I do not accept and allow myself to participate in my mind during the breaks. It’s not a break from self honesty. I remain here, I remain stable. No excuses.
I do not accept and allow myself to talk shit with my “friends”, trying to be accepted, being nice, trying to hide from my self responsibility.
I do not accept and allow myself to (try) come up with stuff to say so that there won’t be any awkward silences. I do not accept and allow shit from me. I direct me, I trust myself that I know what to do.
I do not accept and allow myself to fear being alone. I am comfortable with being al one.
I enjoy me.
I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the point where I can go home. I am here, I direct me, there is no waiting.
I do not accept and allow myself to rush to the station.
I do not accept and allow myself to rush for my train.
I do not accept and allow myself to worry about “missing” my train.
I do not accept and allow myself to worry about who will be there or won’t be there. I do not accept and allow myself to rush home.
I am here, with the walking, with my feet, with breath.
I do not accept and allow myself to look forward going on the chat.
I do not accept and allow myself to look forward to ANYTHING or ANYONE. I am here, I don’t need anything or anyone to “make me feel better”.
I do not accept and allow myself to wait for stuff to happen, for things to change.
I direct me, I take self responsibility, I face me in every moment of breath.
I do not accept and allow myself to be controlled and influenced by my parents.
I direct me. I am here.
I do not accept and allow myself to see home as a hideaway as an escape. I face me.
I do not accept and allow anything less then who I am as life as all as one as equal.
I do not accept and allow myself to postpone my homework. I do what needs to be done. I do not accept and allow myself to resist making my homework. I play the schoolgame till I’m out.
I do not accept and allow myself to postpone writing and self forgiveness. I direct me, here in the moment of breath.
I do not accept and allow myself to worry about my day or the day to come.
I do not accept and allow myself to go to bed, still worrying about my dad.
I go to bed, I breathe, I let go, I release, I die.
I wake up, I am born.
I have a day full of opportunities and chances for me to face me. For me to work with me. For me to enjoy me.
For me to discover me.
I stop fucking around.
I take self responsibility.
I face me.
It is done.
Ok, what is it that I do to myself that fucks up my experience of school. What do I dislike? What do I expect?
What is it that I actually do during school/schooldays?..
I wake up and the first thing I think of is school. Then I immediately push the snooze button of my alarm clock – stating: I don’t want to wake up – I don’t want to go to school.
And this is mainly when the shit starts to happen.
In my head I keep repeating scenes from the day before, I imagine what the day will be like, how I don’t want to go/be there etc.
I imagine myself sitting in class, being nervous, being anxious, just waiting to go home.
In the morning I’m waiting and preparing myself to the point where I leave and take the train. So basically my morning consist of waiting and rushing. Once I’m at the point where I get on my train, that’s already when I start wait, waiting to go home.
I check my cell phone from time to time to see how much time has already been passed (yes, pretty useless I know, doesn’t help me one bit). I talk shit to my friends so I can keep myself busy in and as my mind so that I’m not actually aware of what I’m doing, so I don’t have to take self responsibility and later on blame school for my dishonesty.
During class I talk some more shit, fill in the games in the free newspaper, keep myself busy, not being here, just want to go home…
When the bell goes for our noon break I go “oh shit”. I look for people to talk and eat with. I’m afraid there will be awkward silences and then I (word I cant read lol) going “ Quick! Quick! I need to find something to talk about!!”. Then we talk some more shit and I feel bad for being dishonest.
Then more class, more shit talk, school ends, I rush to station. I hope my friend will be there so I have someone to talk to, hope the friends I don’t want to see , are going to miss the train.
If my friend is there I talk shit, if my friend isn’t there I smoke and breathe.
If the ones are there that I don’t want to see I force myself to talk to them and talk huge crap.
I get in train, I wait, I get off train I rush home. I go on computer, check forum, eat, computer, schoolwork (if there is any), chat, SF, write, dad gets angry I go to sleep.
So by the time I go to bed I’m being pissed at my dad, pissed at me and pissed at school (current day and day to come). I fall asleep and the loopie loop starts over.
Obviously this isn’t working for me, I don’t feel “good” doing this, this just can’t go on. It has to stop.
I will
I do not accept and allow myself to go to sleep angry, pissed, still busy worrying about my day and the day to come.
When I go to sleep, I let go, I release myself from the day, I wake up after 6 hours.
I wake up, I take a deep breath. I am clear. I listen to the sound of my alarm clock instead of getting irritated and bashing it off.
I do not accept and allow myself to push the snooze button. I put the alarm off. I am here, I get up and get out of bed at once. No lingering, no falling asleep again. Awake.
I do not accept and allow myself to be raped by thoughts, not in the morning, not ever.
I wake up, I am here, I am stable.
I take my clothes and go downstairs. No thoughts, no emotions, no reaction, just here, self , present, me moving down the stairs.
I put my clothes in the bathroom. I make the table and eat my meal. I eat my meal with awareness. I am here, I eat, one and equal to food. I enjoy eating my food. I drink my coffee, I enjoy my coffee.
I make my bag for school, make sure I have everything I need for the day. I prepare my meal to take with me for at noon, so I don’t have to spend money on food.
I wash myself, I experience me with the water, as the water, movement, touch.
I dry myself with the towel. Awareness, movement, the touch of the towel against my skin. Nice and slowly.
I put my clothes on, nice and slow. I do not accept and allow myself to rush. I put on my contacts, make sure they are clean. I check time, no rush. I do what I have to do. I got more time? cool! I have to leave right away? also cool!
I do not accept and allow any sort of assumptions or expectations about my day. When a reaction, emotion, thought, feeling comes up, I stop. I apply myself as self forgiveness.
Breath in, understand, breath out let go. UNCONDITIONALLY, for meeeeeeeeeeeee.
I make sure I leave on time, no rushing. I walk to the station. I am here, I direct me, I’m with my feet, step by step, I move, here.
I do not accept and allow myself to participate in my mind while walking to the station. Yes, I know it is tempting, but I fucking will not allow that. I am here, I am stable.
I sit. I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the train. The train will come when he comes. I am here, thus there is no waiting. I do not accept and allow myself to talk unnecessary shit to W. I breathe.
I do not accept and allow myself to complain about school, about the weather, work tiredness and all that shit. I am responsible for my own experience, I direct me.
I get off train. I am here. Slowly, no rush.
I go to school, here , movement, step by step.
I do not accept and allow myself to resist going to school. Resisting school is resisting me. It’s bullshit. I face me.
I am at school.
I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the classes to start. I am here. I don’t talk unnecessary bullshit to anyone.
I go to class, no reactions, no resistance, just me. I am present in class. I write, I am here as my pen as my paper, I experience myself as writing. I do not judge what I write. I am here with breath. I listen to what is being said. I do not accept and allow myself to let myself be distracted by anything or anyone. I am here.
I do not accept and allow myself to participate in mind conversations or any other mind like conversation for that matter.
I do not accept and allow self dishonesty.
I do not accept and allow myself to read the paper, fill in the games or do anything that will keep me busy, keep me from being here, keep me from being breath. I take self responsibility, I face myself in every moment.
I remain stable as the breath. I do not get bored. I do not accept and allow myself to be bored. Boredom is of the mind. I am not my mind. I am beyond the mind. I am here, stable breath. Regardless what time, with who, where, whatever class, teacher.
I do not accept and allow myself to participate in my mind during the breaks. It’s not a break from self honesty. I remain here, I remain stable. No excuses.
I do not accept and allow myself to talk shit with my “friends”, trying to be accepted, being nice, trying to hide from my self responsibility.
I do not accept and allow myself to (try) come up with stuff to say so that there won’t be any awkward silences. I do not accept and allow shit from me. I direct me, I trust myself that I know what to do.
I do not accept and allow myself to fear being alone. I am comfortable with being al one.
I enjoy me.
I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the point where I can go home. I am here, I direct me, there is no waiting.
I do not accept and allow myself to rush to the station.
I do not accept and allow myself to rush for my train.
I do not accept and allow myself to worry about “missing” my train.
I do not accept and allow myself to worry about who will be there or won’t be there. I do not accept and allow myself to rush home.
I am here, with the walking, with my feet, with breath.
I do not accept and allow myself to look forward going on the chat.
I do not accept and allow myself to look forward to ANYTHING or ANYONE. I am here, I don’t need anything or anyone to “make me feel better”.
I do not accept and allow myself to wait for stuff to happen, for things to change.
I direct me, I take self responsibility, I face me in every moment of breath.
I do not accept and allow myself to be controlled and influenced by my parents.
I direct me. I am here.
I do not accept and allow myself to see home as a hideaway as an escape. I face me.
I do not accept and allow anything less then who I am as life as all as one as equal.
I do not accept and allow myself to postpone my homework. I do what needs to be done. I do not accept and allow myself to resist making my homework. I play the schoolgame till I’m out.
I do not accept and allow myself to postpone writing and self forgiveness. I direct me, here in the moment of breath.
I do not accept and allow myself to worry about my day or the day to come.
I do not accept and allow myself to go to bed, still worrying about my dad.
I go to bed, I breathe, I let go, I release, I die.
I wake up, I am born.
I have a day full of opportunities and chances for me to face me. For me to work with me. For me to enjoy me.
For me to discover me.
I stop fucking around.
I take self responsibility.
I face me.
It is done.
Saturday, 5 April 2008
April 5 2008
Today, just a moment ago our parents came home.
I immediatly felt very warm and started sweating. I didn't want them to come home.
Mom comes to me cus she wants to give me a kiss, but I dont want her kiss. Just in time I put my hand on my cheek and she kisses my hand instead. As a reaction to that she slaps my ear (she always slaps me somewhere when I dont want her kiss, as if the 'slap' is a little joke, but I don't like being slapped).
Das is sighing, breathing loud and heavy, cursing...
I feel as if I get locked up inside.
I get very, very warm and very anxious.
They can't stop making all these comments so i go upstairs cause I'm getting hot like hell and can't take their presence anymore. It's like I was entering my own private hell inside me.
I got upstairs, started to cry, and started to write this here.
It was a very nice week, it was a free week.
And now I locked myself up again for some time again till they're gone again or I stop myself from locking myself up in their presence.
I don't want to live with my parents.
I just feel they're doing me no good.
I don't want to live up to their expectations of how things should be around the house, how my future should be.
I dont want to have my parents back in my mind with every move I do.
Paying attention to every single detail so I don't upset them in anyway whatsoever.
And I want to get out of here.
But I have no money. I only lately started to realise how clever it was the way they set up the money they give us.
I get 6 euros a wee, and there is NO WAY I can complain about it, cause when I do my mom tells me "well you get everything you need from us!"
AND THATS THE FUCKING POINT!!
If my fucking parents give me all the fucking things I "need" then there's no fucking way I can get out of here when I want to cause I'm completely fucking dependant on them!
I forgot how it was not to have parents for a while. But now they're home and the games goes on again, the fun is over...
Kids should be able to take their parents to court.
Saying : I never chose my parents, my parents are no good to me, I don't fucking want them, get me decent ones or let me live alone!
Yes, that would be MUCH better!
There are a lot of days that I wish my parents were dead, or atleast my father, that I would finally be able to breath, but like really BREATH!
SEEING that they are dead, so i can be sure they're dead and won't ever bother me again.
Look at them, breath in, breath out and let go.....
What the fuck's up with people wanting to have kids anyway!
You KNOW you're fucked up, deep inside YOU JUST KNOW you are and then still you make fucking kids, play GOD over them and expect they love you UNCONDITIONALLY.
Well FUCK YOU, cause there aint no love coming from me, hell no.
Go suck someone else's life out of their body, please, like your own for example.
Parents are fucking insane, that's what they are, completely LOCO in the head, yup.
They're the most frustrated and disturbed persons I've ever met in my life!
I feel a lot of hate towards my parents but I gotta thank them, they made it nice and clear to me that people are generally just FUCKED UP!
So thx mom and dad for being so fucked up and doing no effort trying to hide it. I've learned a lot.
I can't remember a time where I wouldn't daydream about eaving home, go some place far away knowing I would never see, talk or write to my parents again, giving them a smile, giving them a kiss, turn around and leave...
Everytime i daydreamt about leaving, one thing was the same, I WOULD NEVER EVER SEE THEM AGAIN.
I dont want to see them again. Not until they fucking change and realise themselves.
Geeze, this even makes me wish I had school, so they wouldnt be around.
Hmm, only now I realise how close I was to becomong and ending up like my mom, VERY close.
I thank myself for finding myself before I turned into her.
It is amazing how I would never be aware of how I would inprison myself with my parents around.
How I was never aware of how my body feels when they're around, it's pretty uncomfortable.
It's like there's this black tar that sticks inside of me and it sticks so much that I'm afraid it has become a part of me.
Like poison but keeping me alive somehow.
Like an old wound that never completey healed, and the black tar is the everlasting burning scar. But only now I remember the burning and I remember the scar, cause I had forgotten about it.
I want to get it done with but I'm afraid, afraid that my parents will always have some sort of power and control over me and that they won't ever leave me alone.
And I don't want that. But I'm too chicken scared to do anything about it.
Hmm my back is all wet from the sweat.. I remind myself of my dad.
It makes me hate myself.
I immediatly felt very warm and started sweating. I didn't want them to come home.
Mom comes to me cus she wants to give me a kiss, but I dont want her kiss. Just in time I put my hand on my cheek and she kisses my hand instead. As a reaction to that she slaps my ear (she always slaps me somewhere when I dont want her kiss, as if the 'slap' is a little joke, but I don't like being slapped).
Das is sighing, breathing loud and heavy, cursing...
I feel as if I get locked up inside.
I get very, very warm and very anxious.
They can't stop making all these comments so i go upstairs cause I'm getting hot like hell and can't take their presence anymore. It's like I was entering my own private hell inside me.
I got upstairs, started to cry, and started to write this here.
It was a very nice week, it was a free week.
And now I locked myself up again for some time again till they're gone again or I stop myself from locking myself up in their presence.
I don't want to live with my parents.
I just feel they're doing me no good.
I don't want to live up to their expectations of how things should be around the house, how my future should be.
I dont want to have my parents back in my mind with every move I do.
Paying attention to every single detail so I don't upset them in anyway whatsoever.
And I want to get out of here.
But I have no money. I only lately started to realise how clever it was the way they set up the money they give us.
I get 6 euros a wee, and there is NO WAY I can complain about it, cause when I do my mom tells me "well you get everything you need from us!"
AND THATS THE FUCKING POINT!!
If my fucking parents give me all the fucking things I "need" then there's no fucking way I can get out of here when I want to cause I'm completely fucking dependant on them!
I forgot how it was not to have parents for a while. But now they're home and the games goes on again, the fun is over...
Kids should be able to take their parents to court.
Saying : I never chose my parents, my parents are no good to me, I don't fucking want them, get me decent ones or let me live alone!
Yes, that would be MUCH better!
There are a lot of days that I wish my parents were dead, or atleast my father, that I would finally be able to breath, but like really BREATH!
SEEING that they are dead, so i can be sure they're dead and won't ever bother me again.
Look at them, breath in, breath out and let go.....
What the fuck's up with people wanting to have kids anyway!
You KNOW you're fucked up, deep inside YOU JUST KNOW you are and then still you make fucking kids, play GOD over them and expect they love you UNCONDITIONALLY.
Well FUCK YOU, cause there aint no love coming from me, hell no.
Go suck someone else's life out of their body, please, like your own for example.
Parents are fucking insane, that's what they are, completely LOCO in the head, yup.
They're the most frustrated and disturbed persons I've ever met in my life!
I feel a lot of hate towards my parents but I gotta thank them, they made it nice and clear to me that people are generally just FUCKED UP!
So thx mom and dad for being so fucked up and doing no effort trying to hide it. I've learned a lot.
I can't remember a time where I wouldn't daydream about eaving home, go some place far away knowing I would never see, talk or write to my parents again, giving them a smile, giving them a kiss, turn around and leave...
Everytime i daydreamt about leaving, one thing was the same, I WOULD NEVER EVER SEE THEM AGAIN.
I dont want to see them again. Not until they fucking change and realise themselves.
Geeze, this even makes me wish I had school, so they wouldnt be around.
Hmm, only now I realise how close I was to becomong and ending up like my mom, VERY close.
I thank myself for finding myself before I turned into her.
It is amazing how I would never be aware of how I would inprison myself with my parents around.
How I was never aware of how my body feels when they're around, it's pretty uncomfortable.
It's like there's this black tar that sticks inside of me and it sticks so much that I'm afraid it has become a part of me.
Like poison but keeping me alive somehow.
Like an old wound that never completey healed, and the black tar is the everlasting burning scar. But only now I remember the burning and I remember the scar, cause I had forgotten about it.
I want to get it done with but I'm afraid, afraid that my parents will always have some sort of power and control over me and that they won't ever leave me alone.
And I don't want that. But I'm too chicken scared to do anything about it.
Hmm my back is all wet from the sweat.. I remind myself of my dad.
It makes me hate myself.
Thursday, 3 April 2008
pam pam pam pam pam pam pam pam
haha, I feel like writing yes yesssssss
It's easter holidays and I'm home, second week now, next week back to school. Holiday has been very cool. Training myself on getting up after sleeping 4-6 hours... I got some results! Not much though, but hey, it's coming haha. One time it was like really good. I woke up, opened eyes, turned off alarm, out of bed and when there I went, up with the first breath of the morning haha, was quite an experience for me. But then I got downstairs and there wasnt much I could do cause it was like 4 am and dark and sis and bro were still sleeping and I didnt want to wake em up. So I ate and then I read in a book I have to read for school. It was alright at first but then I started to have troubles with keeping my eyes open. I would close my eyes, just that little longer than a second and then i would shake my head, to keep myself awake. I started to see everything double also, cause I was reading and fixing my eyes on all these points.
Then I stopped reading and watched some tv, that was easy. But the tv wasnt all that interesting so I turned it off and read some more. And thats when i fell asleep hahahaahahaha.
But not for that long and then I had my coffee :) :) :)
Parents are away this week, they went to some place in France ha ha. House for our own. Its very cool but now the dished don't just dissapear after awhile (like they would do when my mom is home). The cooking is cool, I made some cool stuff and it was YUMMIE. And thats cool for me cause at home I was known as a "clumsy cooker" and Gabriƫl would always look worried when I was making food, as if I could burn down the house at any given moment (which is.. actually kind of true hahaahaha). But then the dishes pfffff, really messy kitchen everyday. The first days I cleaned up (as in putting the dishes in the machine & cleaning the other ones when the machine was full). But now I'm like pffffff... At first I didnt mind the mess but like, when you have no place to MAKE and EAT your food then you know you gotta do something about it. Hmmm... I will wait the the machine has done washing and then I'll put the stuff back where it "belongs" and clean up some more. Its really cool that our parents our away, I feel so much more free and unlimited aaaaah, I eat what I want, when I want, I MAKE it (which I like, cooking is fun), I can put music loud, I can smoke wherever i want (when Dad is home I only smoke in room and computer room cuz he freaks out when he sees me smoking altough he knows I smoke).
I go sleep when I want to (my dad gets angry when he sees I'm not in my bed yet by midnight "YOU HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW".
Mom isnt screaming around and telling us what to do, it's so nice.
But we did forget to take out the trash monday and now we have to wait for 4 weeks, before they come and get it tutututu, and Mom was really repeating it all daaaay long the day before she left DONT FORGET TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH and I was like yea yea I'll do it whatever
and then I didnt oooooops
and then I felt guilty and then I got scared cus I knew dad was going to get all mad when he would see that the bags were still in the hallway lol. So put them in the basement with maite so that they're atleast out of the view (its amazing what images, pictures, triggers in a mind).
Haha, and now everytime the bell rings I get a little electric fear shock cus I think it's maybe parents coming home earlier lolololol. And this only happened when Gabs said that he feared that they might come home anytime hahahaha straaaange stuff, before that I was all relaxed, and now at every sound i go "ITS THEM!!!!" hahaha, craaazy mind, you're so funnny
Hmmm, next week I have to go back to school. I even got a mail from my teachers that the coming friday we already have another jury? WTF is their fucking problem!!! The last time we had atelier we had jury and now we have vacation all nice relax and then they come and tell us that we have JURY??? What the fuck do these crazies expect from us lol.
I worked a bit for school, finished the book, but now I have to start to read another one for another class... Aaah, and after 56 schooldays I got SUMMER VACATIOOOOOOooooon, wooohooo = parents gone month to mexico, me working (if I have job heehee) and going to SAaaaaaaaahahahahaahahahahaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, sweet last schoolyear. And this was were I was looking forward to all the time when I was a little kid, and all and I mean ALL the things I imagined would happen NEVER happened, only crazy stuff happened. Like Desteni hahaha, who would have imagined doing that in the future lololol
It's easter holidays and I'm home, second week now, next week back to school. Holiday has been very cool. Training myself on getting up after sleeping 4-6 hours... I got some results! Not much though, but hey, it's coming haha. One time it was like really good. I woke up, opened eyes, turned off alarm, out of bed and when there I went, up with the first breath of the morning haha, was quite an experience for me. But then I got downstairs and there wasnt much I could do cause it was like 4 am and dark and sis and bro were still sleeping and I didnt want to wake em up. So I ate and then I read in a book I have to read for school. It was alright at first but then I started to have troubles with keeping my eyes open. I would close my eyes, just that little longer than a second and then i would shake my head, to keep myself awake. I started to see everything double also, cause I was reading and fixing my eyes on all these points.
Then I stopped reading and watched some tv, that was easy. But the tv wasnt all that interesting so I turned it off and read some more. And thats when i fell asleep hahahaahahaha.
But not for that long and then I had my coffee :) :) :)
Parents are away this week, they went to some place in France ha ha. House for our own. Its very cool but now the dished don't just dissapear after awhile (like they would do when my mom is home). The cooking is cool, I made some cool stuff and it was YUMMIE. And thats cool for me cause at home I was known as a "clumsy cooker" and Gabriƫl would always look worried when I was making food, as if I could burn down the house at any given moment (which is.. actually kind of true hahaahaha). But then the dishes pfffff, really messy kitchen everyday. The first days I cleaned up (as in putting the dishes in the machine & cleaning the other ones when the machine was full). But now I'm like pffffff... At first I didnt mind the mess but like, when you have no place to MAKE and EAT your food then you know you gotta do something about it. Hmmm... I will wait the the machine has done washing and then I'll put the stuff back where it "belongs" and clean up some more. Its really cool that our parents our away, I feel so much more free and unlimited aaaaah, I eat what I want, when I want, I MAKE it (which I like, cooking is fun), I can put music loud, I can smoke wherever i want (when Dad is home I only smoke in room and computer room cuz he freaks out when he sees me smoking altough he knows I smoke).
I go sleep when I want to (my dad gets angry when he sees I'm not in my bed yet by midnight "YOU HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW".
Mom isnt screaming around and telling us what to do, it's so nice.
But we did forget to take out the trash monday and now we have to wait for 4 weeks, before they come and get it tutututu, and Mom was really repeating it all daaaay long the day before she left DONT FORGET TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH and I was like yea yea I'll do it whatever
and then I didnt oooooops
and then I felt guilty and then I got scared cus I knew dad was going to get all mad when he would see that the bags were still in the hallway lol. So put them in the basement with maite so that they're atleast out of the view (its amazing what images, pictures, triggers in a mind).
Haha, and now everytime the bell rings I get a little electric fear shock cus I think it's maybe parents coming home earlier lolololol. And this only happened when Gabs said that he feared that they might come home anytime hahahaha straaaange stuff, before that I was all relaxed, and now at every sound i go "ITS THEM!!!!" hahaha, craaazy mind, you're so funnny
Hmmm, next week I have to go back to school. I even got a mail from my teachers that the coming friday we already have another jury? WTF is their fucking problem!!! The last time we had atelier we had jury and now we have vacation all nice relax and then they come and tell us that we have JURY??? What the fuck do these crazies expect from us lol.
I worked a bit for school, finished the book, but now I have to start to read another one for another class... Aaah, and after 56 schooldays I got SUMMER VACATIOOOOOOooooon, wooohooo = parents gone month to mexico, me working (if I have job heehee) and going to SAaaaaaaaahahahahaahahahahaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, sweet last schoolyear. And this was were I was looking forward to all the time when I was a little kid, and all and I mean ALL the things I imagined would happen NEVER happened, only crazy stuff happened. Like Desteni hahaha, who would have imagined doing that in the future lololol
Tuesday, 1 April 2008
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