Day 5: Give me Something to Break!

Today I had a chat scheduled with one of my buddies. While I was busy chatting with my buddy my internet would "drop" and I would get kicked out of the chat program. It would then take 10-15 min to get "high" again and then I could chat for a minute or five until the internet went low again.  At first I was "okay" with it, I was a bit irritated but I told myself to wait it out. Then when it kept on dropping again and again and it would take longer and longer to get back up -- I got really pissed off. I had a bowl of oats in front of me and I started stabbing the bowl with my spoon, with the intention of breaking it. I had all this built up energy and I just wanted to get it out. I stopped stabbing the bowl after a few stabs because I saw that it would be pretty useless to break the bowl. I'd then have crappy internet and a broken bowl whereas before I would only have crappy internet lol.

Then I took a deep breath, looked at the situation and saw there wasn't much I could do so I sent my buddy an email to reschedule.

When I was looking at this event a bit earlier, a memory popped up from when my guinea pig died (again lol). When he died we were trying to look for an address of a vet on the internet. Back then we had an internet modem and the internet would tap into the phone line and it was pretty crappy . The modem made these crappy sounds and had little flashing lights. All I knew was that when all the lights were on, that it meant that the internet was on and that it was at (back then) a high speed. So I sat there with my guinea pig in my arms, wrapped in a towel sitting on a little chair next to my mom who was going to run the search. I just sat there staring at the modem and the flashing lights and looking at my guinea pig dying in my arms . In my head I was begging the internet/modem to work so we could find a fucking vet and save his life. I think I even ended up praying to God and Jesus -- anything that would make the freaking internet work. It took forever and I remember telling the modem in my head that it was going to be its fault if the guinea pig dies and I will never forgive the modem if this happens. We eventually got the address, but we didn't have the car available so we had to go by foot and it was going to be about a half hour walk. Seven minutes into the walk I opened the box where my guinea pig was in and I saw that he was already dead. I was really angry and kept on blaming that freaking modem in my head.

Afterwards, every time I would see the modem I would give it  my "evil" look to make sure that it knew that it was its fault lol. And I tried to avoid seeing it because it would bring the memory back up again.

So this is one of the points that I can see that led to this event.

The other point that I can see and which I think is more "prominently" responsible for what happened is the point of accumulation effect. Where I during my day will get slightly upset at something / someone but not say anything as to not create conflict and then instead of expressing the point I will hold on to it inside myself and "express" it as backchat within. All these little points then accumulate to an event where something's not working out -- like the internet -- and then I will use this event as an opportunity to "let go" and "release" myself from all this built up energy. Poor bowl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally reactive when my internet is not stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the internet for how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the internet for me wanting to break something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am responsible for getting angry and wanting to break something -- the internet was just doing what it does and had nothing to do with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is justified to get angry at the internet when it is not stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start swearing inside my head and out loud at the internet -- which only makes the experience of myself worse and does nothing whatsoever to actually change the situation for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to break stuff when I am angry

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the impulse of "I want to break stuff"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I want to hurt and break an innocent bystander such as my bowl of outs that there must be something seriously wrong with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise the common sense simplicity that breaking something is not going to fix the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the "situation" is the problem and that it is the "situation" that needs "fixing"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is me who is the problem and how I allow myself to experience myself within a particular situation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the common sensical truth within the observation of myself wanting to break something because apparently the "situation" isn't behaving the way that "it should" according to me -- that obviously nothing's wrong with the situation but everything's wrong with me!

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that wanting to break stuff isn't a helpful response to a perceived unfavourable situation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop for a moment within my impulse of rage and wanting to break shit and asking myself: Why am I doing this?

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I experience a 'burst' of energy -- that this means that this energy must come from somewhere -- and that I should find out how it got to be all piled up inside myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I get angry and want to break stuff that I am not necessarily actually being angry at the situation that I am currently in -- but that I am using this situation as an opportunity to release much suppressed and compressed energies which have been accumulating over time through not speaking and allowing back chat to take over.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to speak when I disagree with something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to say something when I see that something's out of place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pointing something out to another out of fear of conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of speaking and communicating -- hold back and suppress the point inside myself -- where it will sit and fester in the back of my mind until I eventually find myself in a situation where I "burst" to let all of this undirected energy out -- which is not a solution as I am only temporarily "releasing" myself to prepare myself to carry around the next load of points until I burst again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict because I fear that the person I am speaking to will disagree and argue and I fear that I will not be able to give a proper response and within that will appear as "not having a point" and that I will end up just giving up and not argue to get my point through because I believe that it is useless and that the other person won't budge from their point of view

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pointing something out to someone because of fear of conflict whereby I anticipate that the other person will not allow me time to formulate a proper response and whereby I anticipate an experience of embarrassment and humiliation inside myself  -- and where I within the anticipation of all those experiences simply tell myself to "not go there" as I don't want to experience myself that way (not that I will be experiencing myself that way, it's only how I think I will experience myself and how I think that the other person will behave -- in reality I really have no idea of what's going to happen) -- and where as a result I will simply supress and bury the point inside myself and let it sit there. And then later I allow myself to go over the point over and over again and start getting angry at the other person for whatever it was that I saw while the only person I'm supposed to be angry at is myself for not expressing myself and utilizing the opportunity I had to change the point. I have no right to be angry at the other as I allowed that person to behave the way he or she did through not speaking up.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to then allow all these "little" points to accumulate inside myself over time -- not giving them direction through self-forgiveness and self-correction -- whereby the points just grow bigger and bigger until I cannot contain it any longer and I burst out in a completely unrelated event where I see it as "safe" to burst out -- such as bursting out towards the internet, my keyboard, pc as I know that they can't start an argument and debate with me -- I can simply scream, shout and hit stuff without these inanimate objects being able to respond to my tantrum.

When and as I see myself getting angry and wanting to break shit -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that what I am doing is destructive and does not assist and support me in anyway whatsoever. Instead I investigate why I want to break stuff: where in my reality have I allowed myself to accumulate points of discontent without communicating about them and allowing them to fester inside myself? Once I have identified the points I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in order to script the way before me to assist and support me in breaking this pattern and assisting myself with correcting myself within those points where I compromise.

When and as I see myself blaming "the situation" for how I experience myself -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am in fact abdicating my responsibility by projecting the cause of my experience unto my environment -- instead of seeing and realising that the cause was already existent within and as me and that the environment was simply functioning as a trigger to activate the point.

When and as I see a point that I would like to express towards someone and I start feeling anxiety, resistance and like a slight restriction of the chest coming up -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am accessing an ingrained behavioural pattern whereby I immediately see the situation as an argument/competition whereby I assume myself to already be the loser and within that not wanting to go through the losing experience thus I withhold myself from participating or starting a conversation in order to avoid such an experience of inferiority, loss and defeat. Within that -- I see and realise that I have actually already placed myself in a position of defeat by giving up before I have even tried and this this behavioural pattern does not assist and support me in my process of self-expansion.

I commit myself to investigate myself in every moment of emotional outbursts in order to identify where this outburst came from and how it ended up being accumulated to this point -- so that I may step outside my accepted and allowed energy limitations and direct myself instead of being energy-driven

I commit myself to the establishment of a world and a world system that is best for all where breaking things because you're angry is not considered "normal" and "good therapy" as a way to cope with your life -- but where a support structure is in place where one is assisted and supported to find the roots of one's anger problems so that they may change their life for the better and not have to be a slave to these experience of anger

I'll go into the guinea pig memory next blog post.

Day 4: Parrots

I was browsing around a parrot forum the other day, to check whether some vegetable from the garden would be safe to give to the parrots. As I was reading through a thread about Parrots and diet, I read one post and I got a bit angry.

Giving your Parrot sunflower seeds (only or a lot) is bad for its health as it is very fatty and will cause liver problems later and your Parrot can die from it. Now, there was one person on the forum who disagreed with everyone about not giving your Parrots sunflower seeds, or at least very little. She stated that she herself doesn't follow a healthy diet, but she eats what she likes and this makes her happy -- so she does the same for her Parrot in the name of letting him do what he wants and 'love'.

So I got upset at that point because that's an absolutely ridiculous excuse as to why you're not feeding your animal a diet that's in the best interest of its body. Yet at the same time there's no point in getting angry as we've manifested these type of points all together -- myself included.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react into and as anger when reading that someone does not give an animal a diet that support their body best because they do not do it to themselves either

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that getting angry is not a solution towards human stupidity and ignorance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to save the parrot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to a world where self-interest prevails over what is best for all and within that what is best for each individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to a world where it is okay to abuse yourself and others because we all have the right of "free speech" and the right to do whatever we want as our human happiness is the only true and important measuring stick in terms of what has worth in this world and what doesn't

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that to defend opinion and doing "whatever you want" from the starting point of 'free choice' is also the acceptance and protection of abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to ignorance and the right of "free choice" instead of seeing and realising that I too am part of the cause of ignorance within this world

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is not justified for me to become angry at another as they are simply a reflection of my own human nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value "what I like" and "what makes me happy" over what's best for all

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I start caring more about how I feel and less about how long I will live and support my body -- that there is a problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my body in how it functions, what it needs to take care of itself and what might be harmful for it -- all in the name of how I want to feel within my mind as energy -- completely disregarding the unconditional support the body provides me every day, every breath -- keeping me alive on this Earth.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that without my body I am just a thought

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose my opinions and beliefs unto my pets as what I believe they will like and will like me for it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care about what makes the body happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about my minds wellbeing and within that neglect my body's well being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care or regard my body because I have no clue how it works and it's just kind of "there" doing all these "things"  -- instead of pushing and moving myself to find out how me as every part of myself including my body and all aspects which make up my body work and function and together hold together "me" as the sum of all the parts together in one body

When and as I see myself giving my mind precedence over my body -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that within feeding the mind I am starving my body and in essence killing myself slowly.

I commit myself to the creation and establishment of a world where the human physical body and animal bodies are part of basic education so that we may know how we function and act in a way that actually benefits us as bodies

I commit myself to the creation and establishment of a world where people won't have to stuff themselves with food for the sake of "feeling happy" in contrast to not being when not eating the particular food -- instead one is in a place of support where one is content -- all the time -- period.

I commit myself to the creation and establishment of a world where diet and food are part of basic education as one of the building blocks of the educational foundation within a child's life -- as food next to breathing is one of the most essential parts to living as we are currently living within the world and is thus really something that we should know about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to save every parrot that I see being in misery

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that wanting to save all the parrots that I see as being in misery in terms of wanting to take care of them myself is practically not feasible and does not  address the real problem -- which is us human beings and our economic system as a reflection of our inner greed

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is nothing I can do for all the parrots, birds and animals suffering in the world as long as we don't fundamentally change the way we live and value things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that I cannot make a change or have a "quick fix" for all the animals suffering at the hands of human idiocy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad with myself within the realisation that I am part of the problem and cause of this horrific manifestation

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I and everyone else as myself created this world, this condition -- it is not a sad situation "by accident" -- we created it to be this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to a world where it is okay to disregard other beings and where they are defined as "other species" which somehow makes it okay to treat them as "less than" and do with them whatever we want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to a world where we trick and catch other beings so we can sell them and make money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to a world where it is seen as normal to take away and destroy the homes of other beings because "hey we need more space to do "our thing"!"

I forgive myself that I haven’t ever accepted and allowed myself to WAKE UP in the face of all the atrocities that are happening in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is all too much and too hard to change -- instead of seeing and realising that if we can create a perfect absolute fuck up we can create an absolute fucking paradise

I commit myself to the creation and establishment of a world paradise where all beings may live equal and support one another as ourselves as we would like to be supported -- a world where humans are truly changed and treat all other beings as animals and plants as equals

Day 3: Abroad

This is a continuation of my process of applying Self-Forgiveness on Words -- check my 'Day 1' for some more background.

Abroad

When reading the word 'abroad', I immediately got like a warm nice fuzzy feeling inside me -- I almost didn't notice it because it was very slight. So with this word I've given a positive connotation. The meaning of the positive connotation within myself refers to the point of ''abroad is better than home'' -- where 'abroad' is perceived to be better, more exciting and more 'free' than 'home' / 'here'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the word 'abroad' a positive energy charge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter a fuzzy warm feeling charge within myself upon reading the word 'abroad'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'abroad' as a positive thing and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'home'/'here' within a negative context

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the 'warm fuzzy feeling' I get when faced with the word 'abroad', is really only my desire waking up, to escape my current condition, environment,situation and go ''out there'' where apparently my 'current struggles' do not exist

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by favouring the word 'abroad' over 'home'/'here' I am in fact favouring escapism and zero-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the very reason why I would like to go 'abroad' is in order to not deal with my current reality and environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire going abroad as a point of entertainment and distraction instead of taking on my reality and my issues 'here' / at 'home'.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that ''going abroad'' isn't even going to satisfy my desire to escape -- as wherever I go, I will be there, carrying my inner struggles with me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my issues and struggles aren't place/location dependent -- but that they exist within and as me and thus wherever I go I will simply recreate them -- same points, different picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the creation of a system where people rather escape their reality and issues and ''take off the load'' for a moment -- by traveling and going on holiday. Where no-one considers that when one wants to be away from home that maybe there's a problem that should be addressed. Why is one place better over an other? Why aren't all places equally supportive? This obviously indicates an issue of inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support tourism as escapism within favoring 'abroad', and within that support a world of denial where no-one will look at the actual problem as one can simply just 'move out' for a moment and discharge all their worries to then simply go back and 'recharge' themselves full of shit -- creating a pattern of coming and going and never really finding a solution.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one person's holiday is another person's serving day -- where for one to 'relax' and 'have a nice time' other people require to be available to clean up after them all the time. Making their food, cleaning the room, doing the beds, doing the laundry -- all for the sake of survival in a world where the only thing that means anything is money.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the whole tourism and travel concept is really a concept of polarity -- where for one to have a fun time others need to slave away in order to provide the illusion that one can live without taking care of basic point of self-responsibility


When and as I see myself reacting within a positive energy charge association when hearing/seeing/reading the word 'abroad' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that what I am participating is a pattern of escapism and attempting to avoid self-responsibility and accountability. Instead, I investigate what it is that I would like to 'run away' / 'hide' from and direct myself to sort these points out.

When and as I see myself day dreaming about ''other places'' -- I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back here within the realization that I cannot run nor hide from myself and use this moment of daydreaming as an opportunity to reflect and investigate on why I would want to be somewhere else -- and then correct these points within Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Statements and Self Corrective Application

I commit myself to the creation and establishment of a world where there is no longer a need to go to 'better' places and where it is no longer felt to be needed to 'go away' from one's home environment due to the accumulation of stress as a consequence of survival

I commit myself to the creation and establishment of a world where people take responsibility for the points they face within everyday life so that we do not need to create an entertainment industry where others slave away in order for others to experience some delusional form of 'freedom'

I commit myself to the creation and establishment of a world where all places and all homes receive equal attention -- so that there is no situation of ''the grass is greener on the other side''. Instead the grass is evenly green everywhere  and people can be happy and satisfied wherever they live and wherever they are born

It is interesting how this 'small' and 'slight' fuzzy feeling inside unfolds into a whole construct and belief system with various implications. I almost wasn't going to work with these word because I deemed the reaction as 'too small' at first -- but then I considered that since there is something, it should be interesting to find out how it unfolds and what is implied within this feeling / construct.

Another interesting point is how abroad is constructed out of 'ab' and 'road' -- where by 'ab' stands for the point of 'leaving', 'removing', 'not present' (from derived from Latin) and then the word 'road' -- where going 'abroad' is one leaving one's 'path' and walking away from the road that needs to be walked.

Day 2: Death of a Pet

This is a continuation on my previous blog

Within this post I'll be working on the Memory which popped-up in relation to the word 'abandonment'.

Memory:
When I first found out that we were going to get guinea pigs I asked my mom how long her guinea pig lived when she was young. I wanted to find out how old I was going to be when the guinea pig would die and through that kind of 'calculate' how much I would be affected by his death. If the guinea pig wasn't going to live long then I didn't want it because I feared it would hurt too much. My mom then told me that her guinea pigged lived up to the age of 8. I was 8 at the time and so I calculated that I would be 16 by the time he dies. I thought this was pretty cool as I believed that by the time I'd be 16, I'd be an emotionless zombie (as this was my perception of teenagers at the time).

We then went ahead and got guinea pigs -- one for me and one for Maite. Maite's died first as they were both males and my boy was dominating Maite's -- making him sleep outside from their little house and not allowing him by the food. Then a year or so later my guinea pig died. I was dreaming that he was dying when my mom woke me up saying that something's wrong with him. I ran downstairs to check on him and he was choking on brown stuff inside his throat. We tried to get him to the vet but he died on our way there. A big white worm came out just after he died and I cut off its head because I was so angry that it had killed my guinea pig (the cause of death seemed to be that he had a worm that was eating him up inside out. I was completely devastated when he died and stayed home. I promised myself that I would never ever get another animal or create a relationship like that ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based my decision of getting a pet on the calculation of whether I would be affected by his inevitable death or not

When and as I see myself making a decision based upon fear -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am not using common sense within my decision making but instead allow emotions to direct me and my decisions. These aren't real decision but automated responses. I allow myself to release myself of the fear and re-assess my decision making process and make a decision within the consideration of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated the experience of 'pain' and 'loss' upon getting a pet

When and as I see myself anticipating and expecting a specific emotional outcome to an event -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am the one creating this consequence for myself and that it does not have to be so in effect. I can decide for myself how I want to direct myself through a particular event and allow myself to unconditionally participate without expecting a particular result

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection/link between 'pet' and 'dying'

When and as I see myself making a connection between 'pet' / 'animal' and 'dying' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that by participating in such associations I am placing myself in a position that I do not want to be in -- so why put myself there?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my behavior through the use of knowledge and information as to enable myself not having to face my fear

When and as I see myself reasoning myself out of a point -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am trying to justify my behaviour/actions/decisions and that I am thus inherently revealing to myself that I know that I am being dishonest. If I were honest with myself no justification building would be needed in support of an argument as the point would be self-evident within the context of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love' as separate of me and projected these points upon pets -- whereby as a consequence I believed that I would lose 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love' if the pet would die.

When and as I see myself participate in a pattern of attaching certain points of expression upon others in my environment and world -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am in fact separating myself from points within myself and enslaving not only me to others but also enslave those beings and object to which I have attached the points to myself -- as I will attempt to keep those beings and objects within my immediate environment/reality even if it is not within their own best interest. Instead when a decision has to be made -- I take into consideration all the various variables and make a decision according to what is best for all and not in terms of what best suits me, as this is deliberate abuse stemming from self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was never interested in the pet as the being itself -- but instead cared only of the 'benefits' it would provide for me in terms of 'fun', 'enjoyment', 'expression' and 'love'.

I commit myself to the starting point of taking care of animals as a point of custodianship whereby I assist and support the animal without placing 'conditions' on the animal where I expect certain things in return. It is a walking together within the consideration that the animal has its own life and that I am merely here to assist and support where necessary -- not to control its life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the death of pets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sadness inside me when a pet dies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'death' as a bad thing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that death is just like being born -- before you were born you weren't here, and then you suddenly are. Then later you are here on earth and then suddenly you aren't anymore. Yet birth gets celebrated and death is mourned.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to participate and support a world where beings dominate one another within a game of survival and will do whatever it takes to stay 'first in the race'.

When and as I see myself participate within the game of domination and submission -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am enslaving myself and the other in a never ending game which will never have a satisfying end. Instead I look into the situation and assess what direction to take which takes into consideration what is best for all involved. I see and realise that domination and submission only serves ego as the ego is always trying to win -- but there can be no winning without losing. And since I do not like it to be me within a losing position I let go of wanting to win as winning causes others to lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where beings die because of the polarity manifestation of submission and domination.

When and as I see beings participate within a pattern that is not beneficial for either parties, I intervene and make the necessary adjustments that will prevent the same cycle/pattern from happening over and over again. In the case of the guinea pigs it would have been to separate the two males or create a condition/environment that would allow plenty for both to live comfortably.

I commit myself to the finding of a solution to replace the current world system whereby a framework is put into place which provides for all equally and eliminates the need to be the 'strongest' in order to survive

Within this -- I also forigve myself for living in a world where animals of the same sex are sold together even though it is known that they will not function well together -- as the importance of money and profit has become greater than the well being of the whole.

I commit myself to bring about change in the world which will give back to the animals their rightful place in the world -- where they are no more objects of money but beings in their own right -- assisted and supported the same way as one would want to be assisted and supported within this world -- equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the current money system through my passiveness and indifference towards political and economic solutions -- whereby people are forced to sell other beings in the name of profit and survival -- whereby the wellbeing of the animals is completely disregarded 

I commit myself to bring about political and economic change in order to bring about a change in people's working conditions so they no longer have to place themselves in situations of abuse in order to survive -- instead a framework must be in place which is an extension of one's life and thus in essence no longer will be defined as 'work' -- as it simply becomes part and amalgamates with and as one's lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a participant of a world system where it is logically justified to chase people out of a safe environment only to secure one's own well being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a participant of a world system where it is logically justified to keep others away from your food -- because it is your food and not theirs.

When and as I see myself feeling the need to keep someone away from 'my food' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I would not want to be in the other one's position and that it thus makes more sense to share.

I commit myself to change the current world system of lack to a world system of sufficiency where all are provided and taken care of equally and indiscriminately

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a world where beings chase others away from food out of fear of not having enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a system through not speaking, not demanding change --  where within the system is an illusion of 'there is not enough' because of a money system being in place which does not distribute and allocate resources within a principle of equity but only in the name of economic efficiency -- forcing beings into a constant state of fear and survival

I commit myself to speaking and writing in order to share and spread the message of a new political and economic system which allocates its resources in a way that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of abuse through the manifestation of worms who eat the insides of other beings for their survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry at a worm for the death of a pet -- while I did not consider that it is obviously not the worm's fault as he is only doing what needs to be done to survive in this world

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anger or blame towards another -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that this reaction is indicating a point that requires to be realigned within myself -- not the other. I then take it up on myself to align this point and sort out the anger and blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as 'normal' that there are such manifestations as dominance and eating one another alive -- instead of questioning the state of our reality and investigate whether there is an alternative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear/promise myself to never ever get another pet or create a relationship with another animal out of fear of then losing this relationship

When and as I see myself making promises to myself to not do something from a starting point of fear -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that avoiding and postponing is not an actual solution but merely putting the issue 'on hold'. Instead I investigate what it is I fear and assist myself in understanding the fear in order to let go of it and replace the fear with common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'getting a pet' as an experience of 'gaining' -- whereby I gain 'love', 'expression', 'enjoyment' and 'fun' and thus also manifest for myself an experience of 'losing' through the death of a pet of the same points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself within a position of dependency through having certain expectations of pets instead of embracing myself as those points which I projected/placed unto pets

I commit myself to changing the current world system to a place which is safe and fun for animals and where animals are no longer subject to human beings wants, desires and needs. I commit myself to a world where animals' lives are respected and honored the way we'd want our own life respected and honored

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise 'love' as myself as 'self-love' and 'self-appreciation'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love and appreciation can only have its origin within a source outside of myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise 'enjoyment'/'fun' as myself as 'self-enjoyment' and  'self-fun'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'enjoyment' and 'fun' can only occur in conjunction with another being or thing but cannot manifest within myself, alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am dependent on outside sources to experience fun and enjoyment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I 'lose' something upon the death of a pet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally enjoy the presence of a pet as another being, a companion -- where I allow myself to make the best out of it until we no longer can -- instead of living in continuous fear that the pet might die -- which in itself is pretty dumb because then taking care of another pet as a being become something which does not support you and is not an enjoyable experience for self and then the death of the being is the only thing that will force the being in letting go of the fear, by manifesting it. Then if the pet is dead there is nothing more to worry about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swear and promise to myself to never ever create another intimate relationship with a pet in order to not face the sadness upon its death -- instead of taking it up unto myself to investigate why I fear the death of a pet and address the issue within me until it is no longer an issue

Day 1: Words

Some time ago - 4 years to be exact - I took it on to myself to start writing Self-Forgiveness with the aid of a dictionary - and write Self-Forgiveness every day. That commitment didn't really pull through and only lasted for about one post.

So now I decided to take this point back up again -- and commit myself to write Self-Forgiveness on words every day -- unless a specific point opens up during my day, then that point will have priority.

I basically start at the beginning of a dictionary and start reading the listed words. Whenever I come across a word where I have a reaction or memories popping up - I stop at that word, and take time to write out Self-Forgiveness on the points that opened up while reading the word. In this manner, I can work systematically through points and purify my vocabulary, and within that purify my inner reality -- as all this consists of is words.


So - Here I go

abandon
Upon reading this word the following reactions happened:
- Negative Feeling
- Fear
- Memory of Guinea Pig


Negative Feeling
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a 'negative value' to the word 'abandon'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given 'abandon' a negative connotation within and as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between the word 'abandon' and the emotional charge of 'fear'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'abandonment' / 'being abandoned' is something which should be feared
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'abandoned' as a bad thing

 When and as I see myself react to the word 'abandon' or 'abandonment' within a negative feeling -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am merely accessing a preconceived idea about 'abandon' / 'abandonment' from past memories. I see and realise that these ideas are not real and that my experience is simply indicating to me that there are still memories existent within me of which I haven't yet let go in relation to 'abandon' / 'abandonment'. Thus -- I will take it up on myself to investigate why I still react within a negative way to the word and take the necessary steps to release myself from this form of limitation.


I now for the first time read the actual definition of 'abandon' in the dictionary, and what is fascinating is that while I was reading it I found it to actually be a 'supportive' word --- whilst all the ideas and feelings I have around the word have a 'bad vibe' around it:

1 a : to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent b : to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in ‹~ property›
2: to withdraw protection, support, or help from ‹he ~ed his family›

If I look at it -- within me 'abandon' always stood for something where ''you're on your own now'' -- and feeling helpless. But now reading this definition I can see how abandoning something or someone or being abandoned can actually be a point of support -- as it forces one into a position to stand alone and see how one copes without the support (or perceived support which is actually a form of dependency) one is so habituated to.

Fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'abandonment'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing on my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between 'abandon'/'abandonment' and 'fear of loss'
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that 'abandonment' can be a point of support where I have the opportunity to find out for myself where I stand when a particular point in my environment is removed -- and to investigate who I am within this new situation. Am I still the same or have I changed, and if I feel changed -- why so?
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to embrace 'abandonment' as me, as self-support and assistance

When and as I see myself going into an emotional reaction of fear when being faced with the word/point of 'abandonment' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to enter into an automated response which I did not direct myself. Thus I direct myself stop participating within fear and bring myself back here, within breath. I see and realise that there is no need to fear 'abandonment' as this would imply separation. Instead, I move myself to investigate why I went into a fear reaction as this indicates to me that there are still points within myself from which I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself. I then take it up on myself to investigate this points and embrace them as me.

Helplessness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between 'abandon' / 'abandonment' and 'helplessness'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'being abandoned' necessarily implies 'being helpless'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'abandoning another' necessarily implies 'leaving them in a state of helplessness'.

When and as I see myself going into an emotional state of 'helplessness' upon hearing or seeing the word 'abandon / abandonment' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am merely accessing an idea about abandonment based on past memories. I do not accept and allow myself to let my past and my past experience direct me. I thus move myself to let go of these memories and bring myself back here, within breath.

I will lay out the Memory and Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements for the Memory in my next blog as this is going to be more extensive.

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